You Don't Have to Say Goodbye When Someone You Love Dies
Published May 20, 2007
There is no magic word, action, or pill you can take to get you through the death of a loved one. Even time, which is said to heal all, will never totally take away the pain. It will dull it, help make things better, and allow us to become stronger. I've discovered something that helps more and is quicker than time. It has helped me and has given me a new perspective. It is an exercise to do during the grieving period, a crucial time in healing.
Before I share, I would like to tell you a story.
My Dad died last November from heart failure due to complications with stomach cancer. He had been through many storms with his health, and survived all but this one. Call it a daughter's intuition, but I knew it was his time. I'd been preparing myself for that day since 1985 when he had his first heart attack - 21 years of knowing daddy wasn't going to be around forever.
I did my best to cherish every moment with him, but I didn't obsess about it. When he would fall ill, I knew he would get through those challenges. I also knew no matter how much I prepared myself it was going to be hard. There is never a right time to say goodbye.
So don't. I recently finished the book Don't Kiss Them Goodbye by Allison Dubois, the woman who inspired the hit NBC Television Series Medium. I am now reading her second book, We Are Their Heaven. Whether you believe in one’s ability to communicate with the dead or not, Allison gives some great advice in her books.
First, remember, “You have to fall apart so that you can rebuild yourself.” This is why the grieving period is so important. Allow yourself to cry, give yourself time to be sad, and don’t expect or demand yourself to be strong. Second, know that our loved ones never really leave us. If you believe in life after death or a place called heaven, this won’t be so hard to do. If you don’t, allow yourself to have an open mind, to consider the possibility and explore this belief further. Physically they leave us, spiritually they don’t. This is Allison’s main point.
- You Don't Have to Say Goodbye When Someone You Love Dies
- Published: May 20, 2007
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Society, Culture: Religion, Culture: Personal History, Culture: Family and Relationships, Books: Nonfiction
- Writer: Kristi Niedzwiecki
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Comments on this articleComments
Like Victor I will agree that "Mourning is a long and difficult road." I, too, have had a hard time with the loss of my wife.
After 38 years profoundly together I am still learning to feel truly alone. But, as you wrote, I still live pretty much as we lived together. I felt her near me at first, can still talk to her and know pretty much what she would answer. I need her back to discuss what I should plan for myself now.
I also feel her having moved away to some other level where I can no longer walk with her.
I think of her in the morning during those freshly awake moments we shared together before the hassles of the day began. We swam together, and having spread her ashes in the lagoon we loved, I feel her around me in the water. We swam together and, eyes closed in the rhythm of the strokes, we still do.
But, yes, it is hard. It was a sweet piece you wrote. Thanks.
In my closet, there is a box with lovely cotton nightgowns that have incredible Swiss embroidery on them. After 9 years, they s-t-i-l-l smell like my mother. Every so often I look at them and smile.
On my left ring finger, there is a platinum ring with 3 rows of small diamonds. My mother proudly and lovingly wore this ring for 50 years. I wear it with love.
I look at my children and remember the woman who brought me into this world, and whom I guided into the next. These are true gifts.
Thanks for a lovely post.
Thank you all for your sharing your beautiful thoughts about your loved ones.
I hope you all are doing well and are finding peace and comfort throughout your days.
Kristi
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(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/64166)
Kristi, my Mom will be gone a year at the end of this month. I have not been able to reconcile any of what has happened. Plus, I lost her sister (my favorite aunt and godmother) last February. Having lost both of these special women so closely has devastated me.
Nothing much has worked for me. I went to the group in my parish (I'm Catholic too), but it didn't help (not because of the group but because I was not open to it).
I am trying to be open now, but I have to admit that I have a hard time with it. I do try talking to them at odd moments, and they come to me in my dreams (sometimes pleasantly, sometimes not).
Mourning is a long and difficult road. Some should find your piece helpful, and I will try to think about my grief more openly.
Thanks.