Anxiety disorders, particularly panic disorder and phobias, have many strategies for maintaining their hold on sufferers' lives. They arise from the ancient, reptilian part of our brain and seize control of our autonomic nervous system before consciousness can kick in. They attach themselves to our earliest memories and slowly infiltrate every area of our lives. But perhaps their most powerful weapon is shame – the shame of being weak, of being cowardly, of being abnormal.

And yet, nervous wrecks may be the bravest people on earth. Daily life presents more obstacles for phobics than any boot camp sergeant. Paradoxically, as Allen Shawn, himself an agoraphobic, points out in Wish I Could Be There, people with anxiety disorders may function exceptionally well in times of real danger. At last, their hyper-vigilant nervous systems exult, here's a situation I know how to cope with!

Shawn is the son of William Shawn, legendary editor of the New Yorker from 1952-1987, and the brother of actor/playwright Wallace Shawn, and a twin sister, Mary. The Shawn household was riddled with secrets and forbidden topics, ranging from the family's Jewishness to William Shawn's long-running affair with Lillian Ross. The silence most central to Allen's life was the removal of his sister Mary from their home. Mary's condition is now understood to be a form of autism. As a small child she grew more and more difficult to manage, until finally her parents made the difficult decision to place her in an institution. Because of William Shawn's own overwhelming anxieties, visits with Mary were few, and the family's sensitivities dictated that the decision to send Mary away remain undiscussed.

Fear shadowed Shawn's life from a very young age, but didn't blossom into full-blown agoraphobia until early adulthood. Despite his many fears, he has lived abroad, married and raised a family, and achieved success as a conductor and composer. No success, however, could expunge the deep shame he felt about his condition, or erase the hunch that his phobias were somehow meaningful. Wish I Could Be There is Shawn's attempt to make sense of his life and the role phobia plays in it:

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