I must have been suffering from a severe brain aneurysm when I decided to rent veteran stunt coordinator Vic Armstrong's 1993 directorial effort Army of One (aka Joshua Tree), starring the always entertaining Dolph Lundgren. It's the kind of brainless action experience that allows you to do something — nay, anything — in between the film's bevy of clumsy fight sequences and half-cocked shoot-outs. After all, why waste your mental prowess on a motion picture that doesn't bother to properly wrap up the storyline by the film's rather abrupt conclusion? Unless you just enjoy watching Lundgren spit spoiled dialogue in disjointed clumps and phrases, it's best to approach this particular outing while you're doing other things.

Like, say, cleaning out your gutters during a fierce thunderstorm with a lightning rod strapped to your back.

Maybe I'm being too hard on poor little Lundgren. Maybe I'm expecting too much from Sweden's most famous thespian/chemical engineer. However, coming off the success of the inevitable 1992 Jean-Claude Van Damme team-up Universal Soldier, you'd think the guy would have better cinematic opportunities scattered across his front lawn. Alas, this was the hand our misunderstood hero was dealt, resulting in a professional downward spiral that would lead to such forgettable genre fare as Jill the Ripper and The Last Patrol. Sorry to kick your post-theatrical career around the basement like a dead baby in a bag of dirty laundry, Dolph, but you can't hide from the bitter truth forever.

Lundgren stars as the strong and silent Wellman Anthony Santee, a man wrongfully convicted of murdering a highway patrolman during a routine cargo run across the California desert. After a "pee break" goes horribly wrong, Santee escapes from his shoddy prison transport and disappears into the barren sun-cracked countryside. Soon he's well-armed and fully equipped with a saucy little hostage (Kristian Alfonso), who just so happens to be a highly-decorated member of the local police force. How impossibly convenient for him! And they say coincidence is dead.

It is later revealed that Santee isn't nearly as squeaky clean as we initially think he is. More importantly, his past dealings with a pair of corrupt cops may have something to do with his current sticky predicament. And if they have anything to say about the situation, Santee will shortly find himself with a brand new rectal opening to call his very own. Can our lanky hero outwit his dastardly pursuers before they fill him and his newfound girlfriend full of white hot lead? Furthermore, can you physically stomach a plethora of horrible B-grade actors and wonky hand-to-hand confrontations long enough to behold the film's podunk climax for yourself?

This film came recommended to me by quite a few well-informed B-movie aficionados, though I really don't know why. Army of One lacks what every low-budget action flick needs: a sprinkling of substance. It doesn't have to wine and dine me before getting to the bump and grind portion of our date, mind you, but it does help matters considerably if they give me something to snack on while patiently waiting for the next action set piece to arrive. Sadly, the script doesn't allow for much personal interaction between its characters, leaving you with only a handful of quality conversations that actually help move the plot forward. The rest, sadly, is comparable to what you'd find in an episode of Silk Stockings. By the way, that's not a compliment. At all.