Dear Elsa,

At the beginning of this year I met a guy. The attraction was instant and mutual, and now we have been together for seven months.

The problem is I don't know how to face his complicated personality. He is extremely intelligent, reliable, and very successful in his career, but he's totally messed up in the world of emotions. For example: when we are with friends in public, he is very pleasant, kind and polite, talkative and positive - an optimistic, shining star. The same when we communicate via phone, messengers and emails. When we are alone, he becomes shy, cynical, defensive, pessimistic, and unpleasant. He often uses irony, is critical of everything, and very unsure of himself.

When he has these days, I do not know how to react. Sometimes he seems to be so emotionally cold and distant (like a stone statue) that I think he has no emotions or heart at all. I'm a very sensitive person, and at the beginning I felt so hurt I thought I would leave him. I did leave him a few times, but we always ended up together. We both feel what is going on in the other; the difference is that I'm an open book with him and he is not at all, which is hurting me, of course.

I know he had a difficult and loveless childhood. He spent lots of time alone in his own world, reading books and studying. I think this is the result. He learned to hide everything that could make him vulnerable in front of others, even those who love him.

Sometimes I think this relationship is too difficult for me, because I know I feel safe with someone who is showing his emotions openly. However, I must also confess I find this relationship very interesting and challenging as well, like an adventure. We have lots in common.

Am I oversensitive and should forget analyzing his behavior? Maybe I should become more pragmatic and concentrate on things he is doing for me and not on his bad days and emotional issues.

Analyzing Girlfriend

Dear Girlfriend,

"Analyze" is a word that triggers. I think it's fine to try and understand your partner's nature, but what are you going to do with the information? Are you going to use it to love him better? To be a better partner to him? Or are you trying to take him apart, like some kind of science project?

I think you can see how one focus will enhance your relationship, and the other will destroy it. This is where I would suggest you train your finely honed Gemini mind.

Beyond that, I'll be honest and say your post does make me a little uncomfortable because you can see this guy's shadow and you obviously don't want him to have one. You want him to be a full-time shining star, but he's not, is he? He's a human being, and apparently a compelling one. 

I get the idea you would like to eradicate his more private self, which would of course make him a different person. I doubt he wants to be a different person.

It is not really a question of him and his childhood. The question to ponder is this: are you willing and capable of loving a whole human being? It sounds to me as if this is what he is offering. I think you sense this opportunity and I hope this helps you sort it out.

Good luck.