In this spirit, I slapped down my plastic on Major League Baseball's new online television package a month ago. MLB.tv Premium offered a new product, Mosaic, which would offer me six baseball games in one screen. I would be able to park my ass in front of more baseball in one night than my ancestors could see in a month. I could zoom into a single game for full-screen semi-sharp glory or bounce around all the games for as much coverage as I liked.

I would not settle for six games, of course. I would flick my wrist through even more games, flittering through 8 or 9 games, while drinking neat Scotch, smoking Nicaraguan cigars, and cycling through a wide selection of college-aged women that did not require me to remove my eyes from the screen.

After a month of MLB.tv Mosaic, I would be forced to purchase a specially modified van so I could use a wheelchair lift to help me lift my gigantic testicles into and out of the vehicle.

When the first full slate of games came out April 2nd, I laid out party food and drink to rival a Super Bowl spread. Of course, I invited no one over; I didn't need anyone nattering over my shoulder or eating the onion dip while I slapped my fire hose on the keyboard and engorged myself in the raw sports action. My manhood would finally receive its due.

After about ten minutes, I found myself curled into a ball in the far corner, sucking my thumb and singing "I Will Survive" at the top of my lungs to drown out the six screens of raw sports being hammered through me.

I crawled back to the computer, unplugged it, and threw a blanket over the top. The cool breeze that blew through my crotch, unimpeded by dangly bits, was a sharp reminder of my vanquished state. I flipped on the television and set down the remote control gingerly.

As I wiped away tears at the utterly unfair treatment of Deidre Hall at the hands of her cruel husband, William Katt, I tried to make sense of it all. Maybe I could get a small child to come over and I could get a Nerf bat and...