SATIRE

Satire: Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and LA Times Staff Join Forces with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton Over Anti-Golden Retriever Campaign

Written by Daryl D
Published April 14, 2007

Meet Cody. He's a well groomed golden retriever who is loved by friends, family, and strangers. When somebody is having a bad day, Cody is there to make their lives better. So why are people such as Jesse Jackson, Oprah Winfrey, Al Sharpton, and Dan Rather demanding that Cody be put to sleep? Unfortunately, Cody growled at a child, Eric Barnes, who is one quarter Irish, one quarter Italian, one quarter Russian, and the other quarter African American, when Eric broke into the residence where Cody lived in order to try and steal him.

“It doesn’t matter that the child tried to take him," said Al Sharpton. "Eric is only nine years old and Cody should have just gone with him. Eric's slightly darker skin certainly played a part in Cody's racist decision!” After Cody growled at Eric, he started barking for help. June Clyter, a neighbor and a prominent member of the Democratic party, immediately arrived on the scene and saw something that will forever break her heart: Eric Barnes was crying so hard that he soaked his shirt. He was immediately taken to a psychiatric hospital where doctors comforted him. Several even offered to buy him his own golden retriever.

Despite trying to be taken away from his home, Cody was not offered the same sympathy. He was moved to a dog pound and is now a possible candidate for death row. Katie Couric, also a member of PETA, claimed that Cody's death will let America know that racism will not be tolerated. Even Hillary Clinton chimed in: “We need a society of tolerance. That is precisely why Cody should be put to death!”

Cody’s cruel treatment of Eric Barnes led Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson on to another discovery: golden retrievers have surpassed the sale of chocolate labs by four to one. Soon after, the LA Times did a huge editorial on the issue and, along with Jesse Jackson, Oprah Winfrey, Al Sharpton, and Al Franken, called for a boycott of all Petco and Petsmart stores, even though they don't sell dogs. “The very fact that they are associated with companies that deal with the underlying racism in pet sales is insulting and immoral,” the Reverend Jackson said, while on his way to send a check to his six-year-old daughter’s mother, who had an extramarital affair with Jackson seven years ago.

Even though Cody’s actions against a boy who was only trying to steal him have started this whole fiasco, bad publicity can still turn into good publicity. Realizing that the canine community listens to music, Madonna has paid for Cody to be rushed over to a London recording studio, where she is also collaborating with producer Timbaland and Justin Timberlake. Jennifer Aniston wants to date Cody, while Mariah Carey wants to eat him. Angelina Jolie has agreed to adopt him, but wants to first test him out to see if he looks good in photo ops. If Cody is going to be put to death eventually, he will definitely die a rich dog. Meanwhile, the debate on whether golden retrievers are inherently racist continues across America.

Daryl, who thinks that both Democrats and Republicans are ruining our country, is a freelance writer who writes articles on politics, technology, and entertainment. If you want to send him feedback on any of his articles (good or bad) don't hesitate to email him at report345@yahoo.com.
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Satire: Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and LA Times Staff Join Forces with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton Over Anti-Golden Retriever Campaign
Published: April 14, 2007
Type: Satire
Section: Culture
Filed Under: Politics: U.S., Culture: Humor and Satire
Writer: Daryl D
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Comments

#1 — April 14, 2007 @ 15:11PM — Steven Thorne, Sr.

Is this a joke?If it isnt then there are some human jokes out there as we know.

#2 — April 14, 2007 @ 15:20PM — Sandy Moschetti

I can't not believe these people want to put this dog to sleep. Is this a joke? That kid broke into someone's home and tried to steel their dog. The dog was defending himself. I'm sure the dog is color blind and did not growl because of this kids color. He growled because this kid was in his house. I think everyone should own a dog to protect them especially from kidnappers.

#3 — April 14, 2007 @ 16:11PM — James

Osama needs to kill us all. We are way to stupid to live.

#4 — April 14, 2007 @ 16:40PM — Paotie

LOL

Great story. Makes me wonder, what's next in place of corporate takeovers? Social takeovers of corporations?

At this rate, we may see people being killed merely for buying Coke, because somebody somewhere will inevitably be offended, demand that Coke not be bought, and if a person refuses, firebombs and protests will ensue.

Gee. Good thing I don't like Coke, anyway.

:o)

Paotie

#5 — April 14, 2007 @ 17:17PM — sandra

Nice work, Daryl. I know you were pissed off about this issue when you talked to me the other day. The sad thing is that even though this article could very well come true soon. Don't get me wrong because Don Imus is annoying. But this issue goes beyond Don Imus.

#6 — April 14, 2007 @ 17:53PM — Rosalie

Dog are color blind so how can coty be blamed for prejust. He is a good dog cause he could have torn the kid up. He just gave him a little warning and the child should be punished not the dog. This has to be a sad joke.

#7 — April 14, 2007 @ 18:37PM — Judy Wolfberg [URL]

What the heck is wrong with our society? Why was this kid trying to steal this dog? What were his parents doing during this time?

Doesn't anyone know that over 3,000 of our young men and women have died in a worthless endeavor? Isn't that more important?

Just one more question: What kind of society have we become?

#8 — April 14, 2007 @ 18:39PM — Al Barger [URL]

Daryl, I am morally offended by your racist article. That you would take the side of this Aryan dog against the poor African-American child tells US all we need to know about you. For shame! You're no better than Cody.

#9 — April 14, 2007 @ 18:43PM — daryl d

I know, but Golden Retrievers are so nice. I have a major revelation about all this: I own Cody! The picture of him in this article is one I took last night.

#10 — April 14, 2007 @ 19:01PM — Glen Boyd [URL]

While I'm not sure I agree with the underlying sentiment here (in fact, I know I don't), this was a very amusing piece to read. Much, much better than the vitriol you have spewed in the past about Bruce Springsteen. I think you may just have found your niche Daryl. Congratulations.

-Glen

#11 — April 14, 2007 @ 19:06PM — daryl d

Glen: there are other artists out there besides Bruce Springsteen. While I can understand you are a fanatic, understand that if someone doesn't like Springsteen, that doesn't make them bad people or bad writers. But even if I found my niche here, it's quite obvious that some people aren't educated enough to know what satire means. It's pretty easy to find my email address and you should see some of the email I've been getting.

#12 — April 14, 2007 @ 19:12PM — Glen Boyd [URL]

Glen: there are other artists out there besides Bruce Springsteen.

I stand corrected Daryl. You are quite right. I completely forgot about U2.

-Glen

#13 — April 14, 2007 @ 19:21PM — daryl d

seriously, though. Why are there no calls to boycott CBS and MSNBC by true Americans. I have to say that this is the first issue in a long time that has not only made me angry, but sick as well. I almost feel like moving to Europe or Canada and for once, it's not because of George W. Bush.

#14 — April 14, 2007 @ 19:32PM — Glen Boyd [URL]

The only thing I find weird about the whole Imus deal is the odd sense of timing involved. Imus has talked this type of trash for years, so the million dollar question from my point of view is simply "why now"?

There is also a certain sense of hypocrisy in play here. Though I personally find the man to be funny as hell at times (his Saturday Night Live appearance a few years ago was classic), it's not like the Rev. Al Sharpton himself has never uttered a racially insensitive remark in his own life.

Personally, I've never found Imus funny at all. I'm more of a Howard Stern guy myself, because he is an equal opportunity offender where nobody is spared and because you always are aware that what he does is done strictly for laughs.

Again though, it's the whole timing thing that has me scratching my head here.

Why now?

-Glen

#15 — April 14, 2007 @ 22:26PM — Sterfish [URL]

This piece reminds me of a great King Of The Hill episode where Hank's dog Ladybird barks and growls at a black repairman (voiced by Bernie Mac). The town shuns Hank thinking that his "racism" rubbed off on his dog. Instead, it was his hatred of repairmen that did.

#16 — April 14, 2007 @ 22:38PM — Kaonashi [URL]

It's so sad that some people do not understand what satire means.

#17 — April 15, 2007 @ 03:50AM — daryl d

why now? Because the politically correct forces thought it would be a good time to push their hypocrisy on us. This is only the beginning. Trust me, it'll get a lot worse. It's not a good time to be in radio!

#18 — April 15, 2007 @ 11:49AM — Al Barger [URL]

Brother Sterfish, that's probably my favorite episode of King of the Hill. They've gotten a fair amount of humor over the years out of straitlaced Hank Hill trying to relate to more freewheeling black folk. There was a fine episode with Chris Rock losing his job as a standup comic, and Hank getting him a job selling propane and propane accessories.

#19 — April 15, 2007 @ 12:16PM — daryl d

king of the hill is a good show. but it's no south park

#20 — April 15, 2007 @ 12:27PM — Robin

Has everyone gone mad!!! Dogs are colorblind. They don't see colors.

#21 — April 15, 2007 @ 15:01PM — daryl d

Robin:

Yeah, people have gone mad. Cody is colorblind, but the racial extortionists don't care. This is even worse than the Imus affair!

#22 — April 22, 2007 @ 02:00AM — judy stanley

this is insane,he is a gentle giant who was warning the kid and protecting his home,he should not have to die for this,these people are stupid.

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