The Man Who Changed My World - Remembering Kurt Cobain
Published April 05, 2007
I try to live life with as little regret as possible, but sometimes it’s just too much to ignore. It’s amazing to even myself how much regret I have as it pertains to one person. A person I never met. I’m not always sure how I feel about it myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should just let it go, but certain things hit you at a certain time in your life, and no matter what ups or downs you experience, they will be with you.
Thirteen years ago today, on April 5th, 1994, Kurt Cobain, lead singer of Nirvana, and reluctant voice of a generation, died in his Lake Washington home due to a shotgun blast to the head. It would be three days until his body was discovered, three days until a legion of the most important music fans since the days of George, Paul, John, Ringo, Plant, Page, and Sabbath would be forever changed, three days until part of me would be dead, too.
At first, I thought it was a joke. I hoped it was a joke. It just couldn’t be true. When someone who has so much is no more, it just doesn’t seem real. I don’t remember much about the day his death was announced, because everything was a blur. My brain went numb. The only person I knew who understood was my friend Darett, who was as big a fan of Nirvana as I was at the time, if not bigger. Darett and I share a birthday. Same day, same year. But that day, we shared a soul, and it was not doing too well. And although both of us were experiencing the same pain and the same loss, neither of us said much about it. We just knew. We spent the rest of the day listening to Nirvana. That helped and made it worse at the same time.
That evening, we went to a little get together and watched somebody’s tape of Nirvana’s MTV Unplugged performance while drinking cheap beer. It helped and made it worse at the same time. I remember just sitting in a leather chair trying not to cry, although my insides felt like a complete wreck. I hate to compare my pain to his, but I imagine the feeling in the pit of my stomach was similar to the feeling that Kurt spent a lot of his adult life experiencing. The same pain that may have led to his death. I remember a couple of people there laughing and ignoring the re-broadcast, impervious to anything and everything that was happening to Darett and me. I wondered how they could not appreciate the impact of what had just happened. Maybe Kurt was not your rock n’ roll savior, but couldn’t you relate to his absence?
- The Man Who Changed My World - Remembering Kurt Cobain
- Published: April 05, 2007
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Music
- Filed Under: Culture: Celebrity, Music: Rock
- Writer: Jonathan Medina
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And a few years later, Layne followed him in the same yet different way. Nirvana was huge for me - still is. Alice may have actually been a tinge huger.
Fuck. This just turned my day upside down, but it's really well written.
I have to tell you, Jonathan--that was a beautifully moving piece. Anything I might add would be meaningless. Well done!
i really identified with this. i hoped it was a joke. i cried. nirvana did so much for me, and youre right, nowadays, its hard to go "yeah nirvana is my favorite band", even though nirvana is solely responsible for at least 72% of who i am today.
well done.
Kurt was Generation X's John Lennon.
I know why Kurt killed himself b/c he told us, sort of. In a extremely abridged nutshell:
He was born into a horribly dysfunctional family. He had general contempt for both his mother and father, which is very rare b/c most of us have guilt about even disliking our mother's cooking. After divorce (traumatic enough) he lived mostly with his mother who, although we don't know the exact details, probably abused him emotionally not unlike Courtney did. It's not a coincidence that he would go with her, it's all he knew.
When children are abused their natural coping propensities come out. Unfortunately Kurt's was suicide ideation, meaning whenever he had a traumatic event he relieved stress by imagining killing himself. Note that it's just a stress releiver but if you're 27 and on heroin and your wife is Courtney Love and you're probably on anti-depressants (linked to psychosis) and other psychoactive drugs and bipolar - well, given that environment your fantasized stress relief can manifest itself in reality.
Kurt was a true artist, he sublimated (in the Fruedian sense) his horrible anguish that was wordless and could only come out in Art. If had hadn't had Art as an outlet he probably would've killed himself a lot younger. Kurt could never understand (based on biographical accounts) that his problems were emotional - meaning emotionally charged events and their associated feelings (like PTSD) kept trying to come out and he kept them at bay through heroin injected unsurprisingly directly into his stomach.
He was as blind as a soldier coming back from Iraq who finds himself drinking incessantly or having homicidal thoughts after a period or relative calm. Psychotherapy might not have been able to save him but I think it could have. If he could just realize that the reason he hated himself is the reason why a lot of children hate themselves - because them blame themselves for not being loved adequately.
Suicide NEVER happens in a vacuum. It's not about blame - it's about cause and effect.
I too have written a blog about Kurt Cobain and his impact on music. Check out The GotuitMusic Blog for it as well as Nirvana's Music Videos!
siempre te recordaremos y te amaremos Kurt! Eres una gran inspiracion en mi vida!! grax x haber existido!!!!!!
Great ending! "If it were so easy, there would've been a thousand other Nirvana's by now..." Excellent.
Matt had a great post too. Not sure I'd ever here about him injecting into his stomach thoguh unless that's a metaphor...
Nirvana was the best concert I have ever seen, heard felt. A total transformational experience in that I neve thought RFUS could be pulled off live and it was the first song played and lifted me beyond expectation. After that moment the hypnotic condition just vibrated through my body for the entire show.
Outstanding thoughts, Jonathan. I was a sophomore at Binghamton University, lounging in a friend's dorm room, when I learned of the news in 1994. "You're lying," I said. I didn't want to believe it either. Nirvana had a profound influence on me as well, changed the way I looked at music and was a fantastic conduit for the pain and strangeness and alienation of growing up.
very nice jonathan. great to see others out there for whom music isn't just entertainment.
That was really beautifully written and certainly thoughtful and touching... I too love Nirvana and find their music so full of meaning and depth. Rest in Peace Kurt Cobain.
hi ....
wonderfull memories u have...
i was 18 when nirvana exploded big time..and to this day it still hurts when any nirvana songs are played and to hear a god- like voice in kurt cobain is to hear rock immortal. todays generation are so much about dreaming and hoping living a life of excess materials, bling bling and text messaging crap, young girls idolizeg pop tarts rather then the actual genuine artist to me is very dissappointing..kids today all they know about are video games, offensive materials, and car stuff..
its sad how low society has drowned out..plp today dont want to fight and be a bigger cause then themselves...i guess they rather enjoy bling bling and pimp juice then representing a social changes. thus, the next nirvana will not happen ever again...plp are still enjoying so much craps...to ever appreciate kurt cobain artistic genuis and the like of nirvana.
rip....kurt
Yo, Broheim... you know full well that I am never full of shit. Keep that in mind when I say this is one of the BEST things you have ever written. I find myself shrugging off a tear or two. You have managed to capture the feeling of true devotion without delving into blind worship. I can honestly say this is you at your home. Keep working on the general music book, but seriously consider putting out a short collection of essays about Kurt... your passion is just so damn tangable, this is where you come alive.
Living in the Seattle area, I can remember the footage of Courtney reading Kurts note at Seattle Center, looking like shit and crying through the whole thing on the local news. Then there were the candle light vigils. It was surreal.
Your article is proffesional and honest. You are so very capable of making music journalism a career.
I quote The Rough Guide To Rock, third eddition "Like nearly every other musical icon from Elvis to James Brown to John Lennon to Micheal Jackson to Madonna, Kurt Cobain had a psyche that was too big for one body."
Your reviews are on the same level.
Very nicely written, Jon.
I can somewhat see where Matt is comingfrom but have to admit that it totally seems like a propaganda piece and kind of ignore it, in a sense.
Vale speaks the truth, simply.
I also missed a Nirvana show, and obviously, it was something that would never come to be.
My grandmother passed on the 11th of April in 1194 when all of the Kurt stuff was still very much in the news and it was just... I don't even know how to put it. Not many people would tie grandparents and Nirvana together, but I think of my grandma when I hear them. Weird, perhaps, but maybe healing in a way as well.
Anyway, let me stop rambling. I really enjoyed this piece and it is quite obviously heartfelt... not that other stuff isn't, but in this, you shine.
IM NOT FROM THE NIRVANA GENERATION IM A BIT YOUNGER BUT THEIR MUSIC SHOWED ME HOW PATHETIC THE MUSIC NOW A DAYS IS IN COMPARISON AND I HOPE THAT MY GENERATION WILL HAVE A PERSON 2 LOOK UP 2 HALF AS GOOD AS KURT THEN ID BE HAPPY, HE REALLY WAS PASSIONATE ABOUT HIS MUSIC.
GOOD JOB
They (layne and kurt) will never come back...and we will always remember them...when we are alone...what else is there to say?
Just feel....
That's it.
maybe nietzsche was right...those whom the gods love...die early.
This.. Is Just amazing. The way you described your feelings. It's all very real.. I Can feel the way you were feeling too.
It brings a tear to my eye. Even though being sad is a bad thing.. Remembering Kurt is a good thing, right?
Thankyou, It's beautiful.
I feel the same way. This was well written. I too miss that son of a bitch.
i think its really great that other people are affected by nirvana as much as i am. such a great band. ive been playing music since i was 14 and kurt is the reason i started singing and playing and writing songs. his passion for music makes me want to try my absolute best to make a change.
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Thank you Jonathan. That was very beautifully written. You get it. Kurt Cobain is missed terribly....
Thank you again.
Toni