Travel Tips for the Washington, D.C. Tourist
Published April 03, 2007
Spring is here at long last. After weeks of hiding behind chilly-to-freezing winds, and the sounds of drunken singers from Ohio at the hotel next door to my office, I have my strongest confirmation yet: it's that time of year in D.C. - tourist season.
This surely isn't a secret to anyone who regularly (or irregularly) visits big cities, tourist destinations, or big-city tourist destinations, but we don't like you. We feel like we're in an ant farm that exists for your benefit. You're gawking and crowding the sidewalks of our home, which, yes, we love, and that's why we made it part of our life. Hence, it is our life you're turning into a spectacle, asking us to take pictures of you, and stumbling around with no idea where you are – and may I add, asking us the same banal and annoying questions over and over again.
We can relate: we've been there. We were new here once and had to ask people how to get to the Supreme Court. I suspect that with only a little bit of effort, you can relate to us, too. Once we've been here a single summer, we've had somebody ask us that ten times each week.
All of that said, here are some tips for those wary of Washington. These little tidbits might help you to blend in, not be such an obvious tourist (and therefore target) or, if not, at least make you more agreeable to the people who live and/or work here.
Ready?
- I can't stress enough: When you're on the escalators of the D.C. Metro, stand to the right and walk to the left. This includes your children. This is a busy city with people often having to run up and down the stairs of very long, very steep escalators that are almost always packed. It might be a question of national security that they get the train that's just pulling in, or they might just be pissed-off with a bottle they're willing to throw at your head. I was the recipient of such a bottle once when I'd lived here for a week. With you, I can't promise I won't be the thrower, but if you or your six-year-old are standing on the left, I promise that you or your kid deserve the throwing.
- Speaking of the Metro, pay attention to the maps. The color-coded subway lines are not that hard to figure out, and those little guidebooks you carry around almost always tell you what stop to get off at for the site you want to see.
- Don't wear those stupid little American Flag lapel pins on your casual shirt. Just don't. The only people who wear them work in the Capitol, and only when they wear suits, and only when they're going to be on NBC Nightly News.
Michael J. West is a writer, editor, and dilettante jazz critic in Washington, D.C. In addition to BlogCritics, he writes for JazzTimes, Washington City Paper, and AllAboutJazz.com. He occasionally writes at Pop Musicology, too. He's very cute. His mother told him so. And he is not at all related to Adam West, Michael J. Fox, or any of the other similar-and-famous names that you might bring up because you're so original! 
- Travel Tips for the Washington, D.C. Tourist
- Published: April 03, 2007
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Travel, Culture: Society, Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: Michael J. West
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- Michael J. West's personal site
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I've proposed that resolution to the D.C. Council every year, and it always loses by one vote. Damn you, Phil Mendelson!
*Shakes fist menacingly*
Amen and allelujah! Great post. Here's another reason to hate tourists: they pile off their tour buses at a downtown McDonalds during the middle of lunch hour then proceed to stand at the front of the counter staring at the menu like it was written in Martian, or as if we have a completely different menu here in D.C. than they have in Des Moines. Folks, a Big Mac is a friggin' Big Mac. There are no Royales with Cheese here.
Another tourist-on-the-Metro pet peeve: how each member of a family of six needs to have his own seat and how they scramble to bunch back together when they get to someplace like Metro Center or L'Enfant Plaza and a human tidal wave comes pouring in through the doors.
Funny Metro-Tourist experience: a white middle class family at Gallery Place/Chinatown gets on a Green Line train heading in the direction of Branch Avenue when they clearly wanted to be on the Yellow Line to Huntington. The great majority of riders heading in the direction of Branch Avenue are Afrian-American, most of whom are completely non-threatening. The look of terror on the faces of the kids and concern on the parents' faces was almost comical and they got off the train at Navy Yard once they realized they were not on their way into Virginia.
I have three rules for tourists on the Metro.
#1 Travel only 10am to 3pm
#2 Travel only 10am to 3pm
#3 Travel only 10am to 3pm
There is no need for tired, cranky commuters in the morning to have to accept the fact that you and your 10 children or bus load of midwestern off-color-t-shirt wearing douche runoffs need to get to the National Mall before it opens. FYI, its grass... GRASS. There is no Barnes and Noble, GAP or anything of the like. I overheard a conversation about this between two small girls, while sitting in their own seats and senior citizens struggle to reach the new overhead bars.
Anyways, in my very haphazard rambling.
TOURISTS, DO NOT TRAVEL ON THE METRO DURING RUSH HOUR!!!!
Just thought that you should all know that the subway tips are great! I am a future tourist of the DC area and look forward to my visit. Please remember that it is everyone's right to visit such an important hub of American History. I live in a city that is also a major tourist attraction and I understand your frustrations but please,try to remember that you are a tourist as well when you go other places. I have people ask me directions all the time and I am happy to give them as a representative of my city. That is all I wanted to say except Thank you for the warmest welcome to your fine city!
I accidentally came across this blog because I am going to DC next week and wanted to get the lay of the land.
Wow. A lot of very unhappy people that love to lash out on tourists. The negativity that comes across on your blog reads off the charts. You must be a very unhappy person.
peronal attacks are not allowed.....unless they are against tourists?
Sheesh makes me want to reconsider and stay in San Francisco.
Well Sandra, you truly have made this post worthwhile. If we can prevent one dumb tourist looking for secret service guys to take pictures with them, im happy.
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As a fellow DC resident, I cannot endorse this post highly enough. Hey, if it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?