God, Please Save Us From Gwen Stefani!
Published March 28, 2007
Dear God:
I try to keep believing in you, but it’s been a little bit hard lately. With thousands of innocent people being murdered in Vietnam II (or, is that Iraq?), how can you exist? Recently, a man walked into a hot dog stand, murdered three teenagers, and then pulled the trigger on himself. If you were watching over us, why would you allow that to happen? What really pushed me to question your existence was listening to Gwen Stefani’s latest album, The Great Escape. Why would our creator allow someone to record such vile, commercial crap that belongs in toilet wastebaskets rather than record bins? I’m crying my eyes out God, so explain why!
Gwen Stefani has become a symbolic representation for the present status of the music industry: bland, talentless, and trying to sell records by appealing to the lowest common denominator of society. Is she actually “singing” or is that Minnie Mouse having an orgasm? Did she decide to hire Madonna’s “vocal coach” from the early eighties? Does she write the lyrics to her music while she is drunk or were they written after bad sex? Doesn’t she realize the horrible effect she’s having on the world?
On her previous album, Love, Angel, Music, Baby! Gwen tried really hard to appeal to the lowest denominator of teenagers and she actually succeeded. It was enough to make somebody want to go bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s, especially when she took two classic songs, “Another One Bites The Dust” by Queen and “Mickey” by Tony Basil, combined them, and spit them out in brainless fragments on her number one single, “Hollaback Girl.” Even more pathetic is the track “Harajuku Girls” which completely exploits Japanese women. It’s enough to make me hope a Japanese pop star writes a song about Gwen Stefani called “Ugly, White-Trash Suburban Girls.”
Gwen’s current album, The Sweet Escape, is a collection of bland songs with generic hip-hop beats that makes someone want to hop off a bridge after listening to it. Gwen demonstrates her pathetic musical abilities the most on the musically disastrous single, “The Sweet Escape,” which sounds like an anthem for second-grade girls. “Orange County Girl” sounds even more amateur than “Sweet Escape,” but at least a brainless seven-year-old may like the former. On many of the other songs, Gwen tries to repeat the formula for “Hollaback Girl,” but how can you do well by repeating a formula that is already awful?
Daryl, who thinks that both Democrats and Republicans are ruining our country, is a freelance writer who writes articles on politics, technology, and entertainment. If you want to send him feedback on any of his articles (good or bad) don't hesitate to email him at report345@yahoo.com.
- God, Please Save Us From Gwen Stefani!
- Published: March 28, 2007
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Music
- Filed Under: Music: Pop, Culture: Humor and Satire
- Writer: Daryl D
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Comments on this article
Daryl D's personal weblogComments
While I can't stand Gwen Stefani, even I'll admit that she can sing and has a good voice. It's foolish for you to say something like that. The whole Minnie Mouse thing? Dumb. Seriously - you can dislike something and say so in respectable, meaningful ways. Maybe it won't get you as many comments as this piece will because it's not as "controversial," but at least you'll have done something worthwhile. This is the kind of thing that makes me embarrassed for Blogcritics - the kind of things that degrades us to mere everyday blog-level critics. Shouldn't we strive to be above that?
actually, I think this review is incredibly funny. It is more satire than review, but it is very creative.
Hilarious article! Gwen is the new "Britney Spears"
saw Gwen last night on American Idol. I wished that a huge lightbulb would have crashed down on her plastic face.
SPOT ON! I especially like the comments about Bozo, I mean BONO.
Gwen Stefani's first solo record was astounding. just astounding. no one else in mainstream pop made records that sounded as oddly eerie, otherworldly or original as Hollaback Girl. that right there is a stunning, stunning piece of music. for innovation and melodic invention, Love. Angel. Music. Baby. beats the hell out of anything she did with No Doubt.
No comment on the new record, mind you. the recent single was wretched.
i love you hannah!
well if she IS so talentless how come she's a millionare and will has more money then you can even dream of having? but who cares cause your opinion doesnt matter
Let me put this in a way that all of you can understand. GWEN STEFANI IS CRAP. She is completely and utterly talentless. She is just like every other plastic pop artist out there claiming to produce "music".
Your article is unfair. While it does address Gwen Slutfani's lack of musical ability, it doe not address her total lack of ability as a fashion "designer". Oh yeah iLoveGwen is a butt plug.
Hey! You wanna know what I think about all the bitches who hate Gwen?
Here it is:
GO JUMP IN A LAKE, AND FLUSH YOUR OWN WORK DOWN THE TOILET. WOULD U LIKE IT IF PEOPLE TALKED ABOUT YOU LIKE THIS? I DON'T THINK SO!
i love gwen stefani! you are totally degrading did not need to say all that crap...at least be more appropriate!
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First off , her album is called "The Sweet Escape" so if you're going to bag on it atleast get your facts right.And second , Harajuku Girls does not degrade Japanese women , Gwen merely tells of her fascination with their style , which she likes.