As I revisit those snarky opening paragraphs, I realize I'm probably making The Return seem much worse than it really is. Despite my eagerness to rip the film to tiny bite-sized pieces, I must say that there's really not a lot wrong it. Asif Kapadia's direction is spot on, and his visuals are just as striking and eye-catching as they were in The Warrior. Why he decided to make his big Hollywood debut with a silly Sarah Michelle Gellar vehicle is beyond my range of comprehension. I'm sure it had something to do with a paycheck, one that probably had quite a few zeros printed on the appropriate line.

What sends you off to Sleepyland faster than fourteen candy-coated Xanax is Adam Sussman's lifeless script. The story just kind of lays there, begging someone — nay, anyone — to kick it around a bit. Sussman has seemingly raped and pillaged the supernatural mystery genre in search of inspiration. Problem is, he bought one too many trinkets at the Cliche Gift Shop on his way to the word processor. If you want your narrative to unfold slowly, that's fine, but at least try to give the viewers a few crumbs to munch on while they're waiting for the good stuff.

Oh, and be sure to include the good stuff, too. Crucial, that.

The acting isn't too bad, but it's nothing to write home to mother about, either. Gellar is just as hollow and empty as she always is, leaving her listless co-stars to foot the bill. Australian actor Peter O'Brien is probably the film's best kept secret. His turn as Terry Stahl is sharp and engaging, allowing him to easily eclipse the flick's top-billed actress whenever the two share a scene. And please don't get me started on Sam Shepard again, okay? Blink twice and the man is simply gone. Unreal.

The Return, I'm sorry to say, is nothing more than a watered-down episode of Ghost Whisperer masquerading as a faux-spooky horror picture. Truth be told, it's barely anything at all, just a collection of scenes that build to a climax that leaves you wondering why you bothered giving it a chance in the first place. Asif Kapadia is better than this, and I hope he finally gets a Stateside project worthy of his talent. Slumming with the likes of Gellar isn't going to help his career whatsoever. If you doubt my words, just as Freddie Prinze, Jr. Go ahead!

He's in the backyard right now, cleaning my pool.