Um, I read your article up until the "she" part. How can you assume that only women suffer emotional abuse?

daryl d;
I didn't completely. I did initially say (if you look back) "The person who is suffering from verbal abuse is not so easily recognized."

To be honest, I was speaking from personal experience so it's difficult to switch genders while talking from the heart. The books I recommended and sites I recommended cover all abused people.

only advice to be given to ANY person who feels they are being abused in ANY way, shape or form...

get the fuck AWAY from the abuser

until the victim does that, there is NO help for them, after they do this one , simple thing... then they can begin to get past it, and heal.

all abusers are liars.

Hey jaz...

"One simple thing"? To type that is; the rest doesn't even apply to this crisis. For those who's lives are threatened if they try to leave (not mine, but I know of some who were) & for those who are disabled & unable to live on their own, to even earn a living, the choices aren't that simple at all!
I appreciate your right to heckle (per your comment at your blog) but please don't heckle this!
Thanks =)

Ginger - i don't say this lightly

my wife was in an abusive relationship when i first met her, verbal, emotional as well as physical

there's more...but let me just say that like you, i DO have direct experience

the "first step" IS simple...leave

dealing with it, and recovering from such behavior is NOT as simple

but the ONLY way to deal is to take that first step

this one wasn't a heckle, but rather some basic advice from someone who has helped others through all the shit

take it for what it's worth

the Tao of D'oh.

Jaz;

Thanks for clarifying, but it's still only one instance you're basing your advice on. Your wife was very fortunate to have some place and someONE to go to. I assume, since you didn't say otherwise, that she was/is a healthy, able woman? And you met her and saw her relationship first hand; so there was no question in your mind as to what she was going through. She is very lucky to have you in her life...a true knight in shining armor then, I guess. ~*wink*~

But what of the victim without any family? Or at least a family that's not so self-involved that they cant 'see' the abuse?

I had a friend married to a wealthy man & she suffered abuse from him. But her family didn't want to help her because they would be cut off from the generousity he showered on them. Everybody has their agenda and the victim is in the middle of all this.

And what of the unemployable person who wouldn't get a cent to live on from the person they left? All of a sudden the words seem something they have to endure, see what I'm saying?

Most cases have so many peripherals, so that a simple 'just leave' won't apply to them.
Aah, for a perfect world, huh?
~G-force~

ok..the process took over a year, i did NOT know anything until the very end, the abuser made certain of it...

and i think we have a miscommunication abotu my basic point...

you ask many "what if's?"...each very valid points

this does nto make my own point invalid

the Abuser will NOT change, their habits will NOT go away, and the one being abused has NO ability to change the Abuser...can we agree there?

so it leaves the victim NO other recourse to solve the problem and end the abuse except one...

leave

never said it was an easy thing, nor simple

yes, i DO understand you points about very unfortunate circumstances for some...and i still say that with NO other Answer for the victim, there appears only 2 choices....

live with the abuse, or leave the influence of the abuser...as i stated, never have i even heard of a case where the Abuser suddenly changes their habits, much less found one in honest research

your friend, married to the wealthy man...perfect case in point, self rationalizing rather than confronting the Abuse...even to end it by leaving

the last example, not getting a cent from the Abuser, MUCH worse example(for the victim), and how many Abusers have operated since the dawn of Mankind... still has the same thing...what is there except either to leave, or continue to be abused?

never said it was an easy thing, my entire point isthat there is NO help for the Victim, until they themselves choose to begin, by helping themselves

oh yes, as i stated earlier, but you seem to have missed, my wife is NOT the only example of those i have known, and helped...with such a problem, but that's a sidereal issue (i spent 4 years doing social work of a type in the late 80's, after marrying my wife...and was a bouncer at night, who dealt with these issues directly in some cases for co-workers in desperate need...pimps are a perfect example of hideous abuse)

not trying to be acerbic, or to contradict your wanting to help in any way...just sharing my experience, and offering the ONLY answer to this problem i have ever experienced.

best to you and yours

Jaz - >best to you and yours<

Danke to you as well...

No, you really didn't miscommunicate at all; this is a case of you jig & I jag; that's not to say we don't end up in the same place. Only that we've arrived through different routes. By the sound of it, yours hasn't been scenic, nor has mine.

And no; the abuser will never, change. That goes without saying. Which I hope I didn't imply. I was saying really that sometimes the decision to leave is more daunting than to stay. To stay in the home they know (however bad it is) & just bite the bullet seems the safer or less scary thing to do. And unrealistically hoping you can come away relatively unscathed.
Halfway houses & places like this offer short term help for the victim(s) but ultimately they have to move on. Sometimes just knowing that, stops the victim from walking out.

We had an instance, actually two instances in Vegas when I lived there last year. Both in my own neighborhood btw.
The first was a woman with four kids & as far as I know the kids hadn't been harmed. Visually at least. The woman decided to seek help & informed her husband she was leaving. He stopped her so she got a lawyer & was placed in a Safe Nest house there with the kids. A month later she got a small house & the husband found her, came to the house while she wasn't there & vandilized the kids outdoor gym & killed the kids dog just for spite. Sure she could report it to the police; but it didn't bring the kids dog back to them. And being a newly single mother of four, she's not going to afford to replace their gym either.

The second incident was much more sinister.

The mother & both her kids were being abused. A girl of 2 & a boy not yet a year old. She also took her kids & left in cover of night but made the bad mistake of telling a neighbor where she could be reached. The husband tracked her through the neighbor & might even have kidnapped the daughter. As far as I know, neither the girl or the husband have been found.
So...if a victim decides they can't take any more, they need to have support. Just walking out isn't enough nor is it something that can happen without devastating results sometimes.

My friend with the rich husband really didn't expect her husband to change. In fact, she lived in fear that if he did change, it would be for the worse. But she wondered if she could weather the abuse until such a time that her family would see through his charade & offer her support. A dubious & futile choice for those that know better, but it was the only one she felt she had open to her.

And I do appreciate your insights. I think that it's good to get dialog going publically so victims of this that are looking in, will see the various stories & be able to make intelligent decisions for themselves.

jaz:

"get the fuck AWAY from the abuser
...
all abusers are liars."

True. They are also intractable: they don't change. Until they're dead, maybe. Maybe. Though some are good enough to reach back from beyond the grave to make you miserable.

All abusers have contrived intricate moralities and rationalized their own behaviour to reinforce it and make it utterly rational to themselves. Often, they will cite ancient writings like the bible or koran to justify their excesses. Maybe they're narcissists because of exaggerated sense of 'respect' that they demand towards themselves. Gang members often do that: "I killed the pawnshop owner because he didn't respect me". "I beat my wife because she was disrespectful".