The first step in recovery is announcing it. I don't even think you have to go to a rehabilitation program, but you certainly have to tell people you are. That is what is totally awesome. The first, middle, and last step of recovery is announcing you are going to rehab.

I read today that Brittney Spears is in rehab. Why? I think because she showed her vagina in public. Me? I am staunchly pro-vag showing in public, but I am not in charge of these things. This is why I, too, need to go to rehab.

Last month, that actor from Grey's Anatomy called his co-star a 'fag'. He did this in front of the whole cast and cameras, so it was tough to deny. Yet, genius went on TV the very next week and said, "I never called him a 'fag'." Needless to say, this isn't how you show sensitivity. The actor announced he was going to enter rehab - seriously.

Isaiah Washington entered himself into rehab for calling his co-worker a 'fag'. While I am not proud of it, I have certainly used that term as well. For me, though, it was never a reference to sexuality or hate. It is just bad Gen X slang I am trying to shake. Specifically, something like this might be said, "You drank my last beer, you fag." This is not acceptable use of the vernacular, and I am not justifying it, just explaining it. For this reason, I am going to enter rehab.

The reason you aren't supposed to say that 'f' word is because it is hurtful, derogatory, and totally unnecessary. Ah, never mind the explanation; just stop using that term (same goes for 'retard'). Stop using it, and then tell people you were in rehab. Case closed!

Last week, defrocked and humiliated Reverend Ted Haggard announced he was just out of rehab. What was he being in rehab for? Being gay. True story; he went to rehab to de-gay and wanted everyone to know it worked. I am not gay, but I certainly wouldn't kick Eddie Vedder out of bed, if you know what I mean. Clearly, I need to go to rehab as well.

Lindsay Lohan was in rehab this fall, but not for alcohol or drugs. Nope, her mommy said Lindsay didn't do drugs or alcohol. What was Lindsay Lohan in rehab for? 'Exhaustion'. I am tired much of the time, too. Getting out of bed sucks, especially on Mondays. Surely, rehab will fix that. No matter what you did, rehab will fix it.