There is no question that M. Night Shyamalan is one of the strongest present-day filmmakers. His intense camera angles and extensive aerial shots are Hitchcockian. His writing is certainly original, and his incorporations of faith and purpose are principled. However, much like with The Village, M. Night has once again pushed the envelope of style over substance. Lady in the Water is a presumptuous fairy tale that moves slowly, borders on silliness, and ends poorly. You don’t get your typical M. Night twist; heck, you don’t even have a good time.

At The Cove, an apartment complex in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Cleveland Heap (Paul Giamatti) is the super. He welcomes the new residents, collects rent, and kills rodents — all while stuttering up a storm. When he spies a young woman emerge from the apartment pool, his life – and the life of each resident – changes.

The “Lady in the Water” is a narf (sea nymph) named Story (Bryce Dallas Howard) from the Blue World. She claims that she must share her story and depart with the help of the apartment complex’s inhabitants.  Assistance arrives in residents like Mr. Farber (Bob Balaban), a film critic, Mr. Dury (Jeffrey Wright), a crossword puzzle fanatic, Reggie (Freddy Rodriguez), a man who only works out the right side of his body, Vick (M. Night Shyamalan), a political writer, and Young-Soon (Cindy Cheung), an Asian college student — among others. However, with a creature lurking in the grass and the clock ticking, the heat is on to return Story to her homeland.According to Shyamalan, the plot itself is based on a “spur-of-the-moment” bedtime story that he wrote for his kids. The non-human characters are laughable in title and context. With silly names like Scrunt, Narf, and Eatlon, the film goes beyond the likes of Narnia or Lord of the Rings and spirals into childishness. In fact, because the film is reminiscent of The Little Mermaid in spurts, a temptation lies – during one scene in particular – in suddenly belting out the lyrics, “Look at this stuff...isn’t it neat; wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete.” 

While some might call Lady in the Water an earnest attempt at art, it’s really just a poorly plotted excuse of a feature and an utter pool of rubbish. At its foundation, the film is a standard damsel in distress tale with staple threats and unlikely heroes. While it’s easy to enjoy Giamatti, Howard, and Shyamalan’s work, the film as a whole doesn’t float. Then again, throughout the film, Shymalan makes his opinion abundantly clear that critics aren’t necessarily correct in every instance.

Personal postscript: The extra on camera from 1:31:11 – 1:31:17, who has the raindrop fall on his right shoulder, was the lead singer of my high school band (in which I played the drums). Even with one of my friends getting face time in the film, I still can’t recommend the feature for purchasing and/or viewing.