Serial rapist and child pornographer Joe Francis, the gajillionaire smut peddler behind the Girls Gone Wild videos, called into the Howard Stern show yesterday to discuss the lawsuit Paris Hilton has pending against the purveyors of the ParisExposed.com website. (Sadly, no longer available - I want my money back.) Francis attempted to be outraged by the invasion of privacy.

Editor's note: Francis is prominently featured in the Hilton videos, frequently attempting to fondle Paris and often being shutdown. He is also credited on film with supplying a chestful of coke.

Howard Stern, bored with all the posturing and BS, did what he does best and easily led the loopy-sounding Francis into discussing celebrity poontang.

Francis, always the gentleman and a total class act, was happy to dish about the ladies he's "supposedly" bedded. I use the term "ladies" here real loosely, it just seemed nicer than "gaping holes." Among the names Francis dropped were Lindsay Lohan, Kimberly Stewart, Tara Reid, and the ubiquitous Paris Hilton. It's like a who's who from the skeevie ho hall of fame. Here's a synopsis of the conversation:

Paris Hilton gave the best "oral favors." ( I've seen video and I object to this claim! I OBJECT!)

Tara Reid was the "worst" in bed. When asked to elaborate, all Francis could muster was "...well I only used protection with her, so maybe that made it less pleasurable...."

Stern pressed for more details with creative questions like, "So she just laid there?" and apparently some other really gross insinuations that self-respecting news outlets refuse to print (losers), Joe responded, "More or less, yeah."

Francis also went on record with this tasteful comment, "Well I don't plan on having sex with Paris again, especially after seeing the medical documents on the site." We're assuming this is in reference to Paris Hilton's prescriptions for Valtrex, one of the many savory items seized in the auction free-for-all.

Oh whatever, like he isn't some kind of walking STD experiment the government is conducting for use as a weapon of penile destruction.

What does all this mean? Well, being the math genius that I am — for reals, I have ribbons and stuff — I am going to present you kids with a math equation to unravel the riddle.

A = Joe Francis having unprotected sex

B = Paris Hilton

C = Lindsay Lohan

D = Kimberly Stewart

E = Tara Reid - this is represented by (E?) because there is the "unknown factor" of condom-less penetration, but we all know Joe Francis is a liar, but we still have to go with the "unknown" quotient.

F= Joe's penis

A + B + C+ D+(E?)x F= G

G=Superstrain of Herpehivitisavianebolacoli

Apply the Olsen Law of Corollary Theorem ™ and the only conclusion is G=H and H= Joe Francis hates his penis and is trying to make it fall off.

A surgical tool would be faster and there are probably thousands of women who would cheerfully assist him in his endeavor.

Class dismissed.