According to a recent New York Times article 51% of women in the U.S. are now living without a spouse as indicated by their analysis of census results.

The article states: "Several factors are driving the statistical shift. At one end of the age spectrum, women are marrying later or living with unmarried partners more often and for longer periods. At the other end, women are living longer as widows and, after a divorce, are more likely than men to delay remarriage, sometimes delighting in their newfound freedom." According to Prof. Stephanie Coontz, director of public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit research group, "On average, Americans now spend half their adult lives outside marriage.”

I had no idea it was that high or that I was in such a minority. I've already spent over half my life in marriage, (albeit not the same one continually) or living with someone I would ultimately marry. I love being married. After nearly 15 years I can honestly say, without hesitation, that my marriage to Scott becomes richer every year, even as we become more individuated as adults (maybe because of this).

Are good marriages really becoming a thing of the past? William H. Frey, a demographer with the Brookings Institution, notes “For better or worse, women are less dependent on men or the institution of marriage. Younger women understand this better, and are preparing to live longer parts of their lives alone or with nonmarried partners. For many older boomer and senior women, the institution of marriage did not hold the promise they might have hoped for, growing up in an ‘Ozzie and Harriet’ era.”

This article disheartened me, but not because I think everyone should be married. I have no problem at all with people choosing to remain single.  I'm discouraged because I see so many unhappy relationships and have talked to many people who really did want a good marriage (regardless of gender orientation).  Many people are not single because it was their first choice. But even more, it saddens me that so many women in this article talked about the freedom they have now that they couldn't get in their relationships.  For so many, marriage now feels like it would take something away from them that they value.

Someone once said to me that they thought good marriages were an urban myth and I had to take issue with that because I am in one. But how have Scott and I avoided being another statistic? What have I learned in 25 years in personal development work as a therapist and life coach in addition to my 26 cumulative years of marriage? As I look at the increasing statistical evidence and have listened to the experiences of those around me, the single, the married and the mostly commited, I have drawn conclusions as to why most relationships will fail.

Top Ten Warning Signs that a Relationship May End Badly

1. Demonstrated failure to support each other's growth, feeling threatened by a spouse's success, jealousy toward your partner. This can be communicated in directly undermining ways like when a husband handed divorce papers to his wife when she achieved a hard-earned business goal, withdrawing them later when her business began to flounder, or passively/passive aggressively by moping, irritability or other tension that result in the successful partner feeling they have to minimize their achievements or hide them in some way.


2. Hypersenstivity to "control issues" in arguments, often translated as "I hate it when you call me on my shit and just remember you aren't the boss of me." Having every request for compromise or a change in behavior result in some comment referring to "not needing a mother/father."


3. Selfishness/more focus on what you are getting than what you are giving.  Keeping score, especially an internal hidden tally of all the times one has "given in" or done something for the other. Always taking note of who gets the biggest piece of cake.


4. Resistance to taking responsibility for oneself and one actions "Oh yeah? Well you aren't so terrific either. Remember that time you..."


5. Forgetting the "or worse" part of the marriage vows or whether married or not, failure to equally share the burden during hard times.  Example (yes, I know this will be sexist but I have seen it more than once): Husband loses job, wife continues to spend like she always has, assuming he will be able to continue to provide in the same way he always did by pulling some magic rabbit out of a hat.  Family goes into debt. Wife panics and maybe gets angry, wondering what "they" will do now.  Husband feels pressure to seek high-paying job in organization he believes will eat him alive in return for his efforts while wife considers working part time at Hobby Lobby to help make ends meet until "they" get back on their feet and she can quit her hobby job.


6. Beginning with the end in mind or "How will I protect myself when we break up and they try to screw me out of all my stuff?"


7. Basic lack of respect, calling each other names, using sarcasm or demeaning each other in the name of humor.  Cruelty in arguments, use of personal insults when angry. Using anger as an excuse to be hurtful.  (Yes, I did say that. Anger is not an excuse to be cruel and hurtful in your speech or actions.)


8. Sneakiness, "If you don't know about my shit you can't call me on it, now can you?"


9. Framing every compromise as a win-lose proposition.


10. Choosing a partner because something is better than nothing or for what they aren't ("They don't beat me.  I could do worse."). If you can't say immediately and with enthusiasm why you are with your partner, well, why are you with your partner?  Don't treat them like a place-holder until something better comes along or a way to stop from being alone if nothing does.