Movie Review: Apocalypto
Published January 17, 2007
"Also, if a man were to fall asleep in the trailers and wake up 100 minutes in, he'd swear on all that's holy he's found himself sat at a screening of Predator. There are moments when Rudy Youngblood's performance is uncannily similar to that of, I believe, Sylvester Stallone in John McTiernan's masterpiece, particularly the bits where he's all mucked-up and lain o'er tree-branches glaring at the pursuers down below. It'd be a braver man than me would suggest Gibson hadn't watched the aforementioned Jungle Horror a time or two afore he got to growing that beard and pointing thon cameras. Maybe he also watched Predator 2 with his ol' mucker Danny Glover who's too old for this shit."
"That birth shot was glorious. Best birth shot since Man With A Movie Camera, or maybe Warlock - The Armageddon. Special mention also to the birthing in Lars Von Trier's The Kingdom, and the similarly conceived (no pun intended, unless it made you laugh, in which case it was well intended, and worked out months ago) tomfoolery in Takashi Miike's Gozu."
Being well-smoked and a touch knackered about the head-holes and in dire need of something feels like it was kneaded together from the sweat of the damned and the arse-gas of lepers from out thon establishment across the way, I made a final visit to the Gents afore departing.
Within said off-white cocoon, two gentlemen are stood either end of the trough with the filths in the paws and the yaps all tuned to Gibson. "It was like Quest For Fire meets the trailer for The New World" says the one stood nearest the sink, fella with a Nirvana lyric tattooed around the back of his neck. "Or Ninja Scroll meets Pocahontas."
"To tell you the truth" says the one nearest the rubber dispensary, "I thought it resembled nothing so much as The Passion. That bit with them wandering through the forests and the villages en route to the city, lugging thon wood about o'er their shoulders, sure wasn't it as near as dammit to Christ ascending yon hill, with the slow-motion and the eyes of the onlookers all empty and cold and, save us, lest we forget the evil children."
"Aye, he's a wild man for a sprog afire wi' the devil, that Gibson."
As chance would have it, I emerge from the pishers just as the woman in the purple cardigan from earlier is herself coming a-dandering out the Ladies. "Well" says I, "What did you think?"
She shrugs. "It was alright, aye, was really good sometimes, was fuckin' shockin' at others. You?"
"I enjoyed it" says I. "Mean, it was no Passion, but it was as good an action flick as there's been since Face Off. Gibson obviously learned a thing or two from George Miller, sure as God."
The Duke (Aaron McMullan to his parents and the clergy) is a Northern Irish writer, performer and insomniac currently residing in London. He is the creator of Mondo Irlando, wherein his scribblings and hollerings can be found. He is currently working towards the completion of his first novel, and his debut "punk / country / folk / whatever" album has recently been released by Ex Libris Records . You can also pop by His MySpace Page and maybe have a coffee and a biscuit.
- Movie Review: Apocalypto
- Published: January 17, 2007
- Type: Review
- Section: Video
- Filed Under: Video: Action, Video: Adventure, Video: Foreign Language
- Writer: Duke De Mondo
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- Duke De Mondo's personal site
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Wow, Duke. This is simply amazing. Perhaps your best yet. I'm awestruck.
Wow.
i just then wrote a grand reply to the pair of you, but didn't my browser cut me off. I'll try to recall it...
Mat - Of the two cinemas dotted about (there were three, but, alas, the man who owned and ran [with his delightful wife] the third recently died), one of them, the one in question, allows for smoking in the hallway. This is odd, becuase of the two, this is by far the biggest, the most corporate, and therefore the one you'd assume would be most likely to ban any such tomfoolery. Now, unofficially, the aforementioned delightful wife who worked in the aforementioned closed cinema would also allow the like, but it was very hush-hush, and if'n the boss-man came a-wandering, it was to be stubbed the hell out. I recall puffing merrily throughout Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.
Phillip - thank you very much, i'm glad you liked it!
It also occured to me that this number, perhaps more than usual, has a vast number of "thons" on display. "thon" is an ulster-scots word meaning, simply, "that". So the phrase "thon is an unlster scots word" could also refer to some OTHER word, and still make loads of sense.
i.e; "thon's the bugger stole my duck, dammit!" or "thon's a right wicked thirst you've on you, Thomas" or "did you perchance see thon fella with the red jacket, for he's owing me forty-seven quid."
Duke, one thing that strikes me in reading this review and the one for United 93, is that you know how to write dialogue, which, in pretending to start writing a novel, I found to be much more difficult than writing narration.
How's the novel coming along?
"Mean, who knows what shit Orson Welles or Pasolini or Lucio Fulci maybe gabbled when pished? ....
This voices my opinion on the matter quite precisely. What should our position be? Boycott those who have been busted for opening their traps, do business with those who have the good sense to keep their mouths shut? Throughout my life, everyone that I have gotten to know pretty well has said something that would best not be repeated in public. That goes for me, too.
Choices:
(1) Selectively boycott providers of products who, based on some careless utterence, might hold positions that you find objectionable.
Fine, but then you assume that the drummer in the jazz band for whose CD you just plopped down $16 does not practice satanic rituals in his basement with the neighborhood kids. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.
(2) Selectively boycott providers of products who are known to hold positions that you find objectionable.
Seems workable, though possibly misguided. Should I care whether or not the local expert garage mechanic thinks people of my profession are sponging off taxpayers?
(3) Thoroughly research the backgrounds of providers of products, thus verifying for yourself that they hold no positions nor have performed any actions that you find objectionable.
Rarely, if ever, workable. Imagine trying to ascertain whether or not the designer of the electrical system in your new Toyota has a history of domestic violence, drug violations, drunk driving, racism, etc.
(4) Ignore providers of products entirely regarding matters not related to their work. Pay for the product based on its worth to you as a consumer of the product.
This is workable, maybe a tad irresponsible. But this is my choice.
I think I got this new Duke language down. How's this
Thon is the Duke fellating himself in front of christs church
Thon is some nekkid teenage boy and thon is the Duke there with him. What they are doing, I'll never tell.
Duane, you are more than correct in that the Duke is a master of dialog. Search out his review of King Kong disguised as a argument with a leper. Tis brilliant
Nice job as usual!
You have KFCs over there? Really sorry to hear it - I apologize on behalf of my country.
Did I detect a reference to my "Mel Call" piece of a few months back? If so, I'm honored. If not, bugger me. (See, I'm getting down with thon lingo of yours.)
P.S. Predator had Schwarzenegger, not Stallone.
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Whoa, Duke, you've totally blown my mind. You mean you guys still allow smoking in your theatres?!