Movie Review: Apocalypto
Published January 17, 2007
The foyer bristles with such banter, great clods of debate and critique and lamentation and highest praises all spilling out o'er the front steps and down into the car-park and lipping and lapping at the walls of the KFC across the way.
Fidgeting in my jacket pocket for a packet o' cigarettes, I stop by the ashtray-bin things set out either side of the toilet doors. Two lasses are stood there also, one puffin' on a pencil-lead roll-up, the other grimacing her way through a counterfeit Regal King Size. "The thing about it all" says the roll-up woman, "Regardless of whether it was good or bad, and I'd put forward the notion that it leaned nearer the former than the latter, regardless of all of that says I, it was still worth paying for, and why? If for no other reason than it shows to the multiplex honchos that folks are more than willin' to watch a film has subtitles, if'n they have the opportunity to do so."
"Pavin' the way for the rest of the arthouse lads" says herself there with the bootleg fag.
"Well now, I wouldn't go that far. It's hardly an arthouse film. It's an action flick with pretensions, and in that regard it's not an inch removed from those Steven Seagal pictures where he kicks a man's throat but then no, it's about the environment, or it's about Buddha, or whatever."
"I wonder what Seagal thinks of the Jews, now when you mention him?"
"Funny, I was wondering the same thing this morning. Or Van Damme. Would you say Van Damme has any opinion on the Zionists?"
"It would be odd, now, if he hadn't."
An A4 sheet's been folded up and tucked away within my wallet, an A4 sheet upon which a number of points were noted and jotted throughout the screening. Of these notes and jots, the following might be considered a fair representation;
"The humor in the first half hour is by equal turns refreshing and god-awful. The dream sequence around the end of the first act is wretched and ridiculous and very very shitty."
"Despite Gibson's braying to the contrary, the film says no more about the fall of the Mayan civilisation or about its parallels with Western civilisation in the here and now than The Omen III - The Final Conflict said about abortion. It's altogether possible that folks may well discuss said issues when discussing said feature-flicks, but that doesn't mean the works themselves do anything in particular to justify it."
"The last hour and a half is astounding. Nowhere near as violent as folks've been led to believe, I doubt it's got a solitary drop o' guts more than Braveheart, but by God it's as invigorating as a shot o' raw ether to the bell-end for all of that. As the recent Empire review noted also, with regards Jungle Runnin' Trials, all the Big Hits are in evidence; Jaguars, quicksand, hastily-fashioned traps and tricks, darts fashioned from the poison of indigenous critters. Plenty crowd-pleasing catastrophe rained down 'pon the bellies and the faces and the tongues of both hunter and hunted."
The Duke (Aaron McMullan to his parents and the clergy) is a Northern Irish writer, performer and insomniac currently residing in London. He is the creator of Mondo Irlando, wherein his scribblings and hollerings can be found. He is currently working towards the completion of his first novel, and his debut "punk / country / folk / whatever" album has recently been released by Ex Libris Records . You can also pop by His MySpace Page and maybe have a coffee and a biscuit.
- Movie Review: Apocalypto
- Published: January 17, 2007
- Type: Review
- Section: Video
- Filed Under: Video: Action, Video: Adventure, Video: Foreign Language
- Writer: Duke De Mondo
- Duke De Mondo's BC Writer page
- Duke De Mondo's personal site
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Wow, Duke. This is simply amazing. Perhaps your best yet. I'm awestruck.
Wow.
i just then wrote a grand reply to the pair of you, but didn't my browser cut me off. I'll try to recall it...
Mat - Of the two cinemas dotted about (there were three, but, alas, the man who owned and ran [with his delightful wife] the third recently died), one of them, the one in question, allows for smoking in the hallway. This is odd, becuase of the two, this is by far the biggest, the most corporate, and therefore the one you'd assume would be most likely to ban any such tomfoolery. Now, unofficially, the aforementioned delightful wife who worked in the aforementioned closed cinema would also allow the like, but it was very hush-hush, and if'n the boss-man came a-wandering, it was to be stubbed the hell out. I recall puffing merrily throughout Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.
Phillip - thank you very much, i'm glad you liked it!
It also occured to me that this number, perhaps more than usual, has a vast number of "thons" on display. "thon" is an ulster-scots word meaning, simply, "that". So the phrase "thon is an unlster scots word" could also refer to some OTHER word, and still make loads of sense.
i.e; "thon's the bugger stole my duck, dammit!" or "thon's a right wicked thirst you've on you, Thomas" or "did you perchance see thon fella with the red jacket, for he's owing me forty-seven quid."
Duke, one thing that strikes me in reading this review and the one for United 93, is that you know how to write dialogue, which, in pretending to start writing a novel, I found to be much more difficult than writing narration.
How's the novel coming along?
"Mean, who knows what shit Orson Welles or Pasolini or Lucio Fulci maybe gabbled when pished? ....
This voices my opinion on the matter quite precisely. What should our position be? Boycott those who have been busted for opening their traps, do business with those who have the good sense to keep their mouths shut? Throughout my life, everyone that I have gotten to know pretty well has said something that would best not be repeated in public. That goes for me, too.
Choices:
(1) Selectively boycott providers of products who, based on some careless utterence, might hold positions that you find objectionable.
Fine, but then you assume that the drummer in the jazz band for whose CD you just plopped down $16 does not practice satanic rituals in his basement with the neighborhood kids. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.
(2) Selectively boycott providers of products who are known to hold positions that you find objectionable.
Seems workable, though possibly misguided. Should I care whether or not the local expert garage mechanic thinks people of my profession are sponging off taxpayers?
(3) Thoroughly research the backgrounds of providers of products, thus verifying for yourself that they hold no positions nor have performed any actions that you find objectionable.
Rarely, if ever, workable. Imagine trying to ascertain whether or not the designer of the electrical system in your new Toyota has a history of domestic violence, drug violations, drunk driving, racism, etc.
(4) Ignore providers of products entirely regarding matters not related to their work. Pay for the product based on its worth to you as a consumer of the product.
This is workable, maybe a tad irresponsible. But this is my choice.
I think I got this new Duke language down. How's this
Thon is the Duke fellating himself in front of christs church
Thon is some nekkid teenage boy and thon is the Duke there with him. What they are doing, I'll never tell.
Duane, you are more than correct in that the Duke is a master of dialog. Search out his review of King Kong disguised as a argument with a leper. Tis brilliant
Nice job as usual!
You have KFCs over there? Really sorry to hear it - I apologize on behalf of my country.
Did I detect a reference to my "Mel Call" piece of a few months back? If so, I'm honored. If not, bugger me. (See, I'm getting down with thon lingo of yours.)
P.S. Predator had Schwarzenegger, not Stallone.
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(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/58324)
Whoa, Duke, you've totally blown my mind. You mean you guys still allow smoking in your theatres?!