Movie Review: Apocalypto
Published January 17, 2007
"So then you react to that, and you say that's bullshit, but I like this, with the frog dart things. Mean, by way of an example, I can tell by those teeth of yours that you'd be a man fond of The Louvin Brothers."
"Jesus oh, you'd be right about that."
"Right, and yet those trousers you've on aren't the trousers of a Christian man, so how come you can appreciate the beauty in a song about 'Broad-minded is spelled S-I-N' even when, by the looks of things, a fella in the street saying that to you would be met with little more than a half-smile and a duck o' the mug?"
"Aye, that's a fair comment, now." Reaching the green to the fella pumping tickets out the doohickey 'side the till, I turn back to the woman there and say "And maybe, mean, maybe I just kinda feel sorry for him. As you yourself pointed out, many's a wretched word's tumbled off of a grog-lashed tongue afore now, and I dunno how just it is to hold anyone wholly accountable for such blather in the gloom of the hungover morn."
A series of fragmented screams and rages ring out back my eyes, the cursing and the threatening and the… "I've said things I didn't mean" I continue, wandering towards the doors of Screen 1. "I said things a decade ago that still keep me awake, and God knows I meant none of them."
She nods solemnly, then stops. "Balls" says she, "I forgot t'grab a bag o' peanuts. It'd be a quare time I'd have if'n I forgot to take a bag o' peanuts to the pictures."
She races off to the sweetie stand, joins the queue behind a young lad in a Deicide shirt with a haircut juts out a foot and a half from his head at a 36 or 37 degree angle. Sucking the air through my teeth, I give the collar a tug a time or two and proceed towards yon screen.
"Alright, Mel" I'm thinking. "Don't be making me look a pillock now, y'hear? This best be fucking amazing."
II. Regarding Apocalypto
"That was fucking amazing!" a fella's roaring as he bounds out the doors of Screen 1 with the erection gnawing the denim out his jeans and the arms flailing frantically about him. "By God I've rarely saw a finer flick about men cut others' heads off in all my born days and nights and noontimes!"
"It was alright" says another, "But I tell you, it's a rare Mayan tribeswoman would've referred to her mother as 'mom'."
"How do you know?" yonder zealot counters. "Where you there, perchance?"
The Duke (Aaron McMullan to his parents and the clergy) is a Northern Irish writer, performer and insomniac currently residing in London. He is the creator of Mondo Irlando, wherein his scribblings and hollerings can be found. He is currently working towards the completion of his first novel, and his debut "punk / country / folk / whatever" album has recently been released by Ex Libris Records . You can also pop by His MySpace Page and maybe have a coffee and a biscuit.
- Movie Review: Apocalypto
- Published: January 17, 2007
- Type: Review
- Section: Video
- Filed Under: Video: Action, Video: Adventure, Video: Foreign Language
- Writer: Duke De Mondo
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- Duke De Mondo's personal site
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Wow, Duke. This is simply amazing. Perhaps your best yet. I'm awestruck.
Wow.
i just then wrote a grand reply to the pair of you, but didn't my browser cut me off. I'll try to recall it...
Mat - Of the two cinemas dotted about (there were three, but, alas, the man who owned and ran [with his delightful wife] the third recently died), one of them, the one in question, allows for smoking in the hallway. This is odd, becuase of the two, this is by far the biggest, the most corporate, and therefore the one you'd assume would be most likely to ban any such tomfoolery. Now, unofficially, the aforementioned delightful wife who worked in the aforementioned closed cinema would also allow the like, but it was very hush-hush, and if'n the boss-man came a-wandering, it was to be stubbed the hell out. I recall puffing merrily throughout Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.
Phillip - thank you very much, i'm glad you liked it!
It also occured to me that this number, perhaps more than usual, has a vast number of "thons" on display. "thon" is an ulster-scots word meaning, simply, "that". So the phrase "thon is an unlster scots word" could also refer to some OTHER word, and still make loads of sense.
i.e; "thon's the bugger stole my duck, dammit!" or "thon's a right wicked thirst you've on you, Thomas" or "did you perchance see thon fella with the red jacket, for he's owing me forty-seven quid."
Duke, one thing that strikes me in reading this review and the one for United 93, is that you know how to write dialogue, which, in pretending to start writing a novel, I found to be much more difficult than writing narration.
How's the novel coming along?
"Mean, who knows what shit Orson Welles or Pasolini or Lucio Fulci maybe gabbled when pished? ....
This voices my opinion on the matter quite precisely. What should our position be? Boycott those who have been busted for opening their traps, do business with those who have the good sense to keep their mouths shut? Throughout my life, everyone that I have gotten to know pretty well has said something that would best not be repeated in public. That goes for me, too.
Choices:
(1) Selectively boycott providers of products who, based on some careless utterence, might hold positions that you find objectionable.
Fine, but then you assume that the drummer in the jazz band for whose CD you just plopped down $16 does not practice satanic rituals in his basement with the neighborhood kids. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.
(2) Selectively boycott providers of products who are known to hold positions that you find objectionable.
Seems workable, though possibly misguided. Should I care whether or not the local expert garage mechanic thinks people of my profession are sponging off taxpayers?
(3) Thoroughly research the backgrounds of providers of products, thus verifying for yourself that they hold no positions nor have performed any actions that you find objectionable.
Rarely, if ever, workable. Imagine trying to ascertain whether or not the designer of the electrical system in your new Toyota has a history of domestic violence, drug violations, drunk driving, racism, etc.
(4) Ignore providers of products entirely regarding matters not related to their work. Pay for the product based on its worth to you as a consumer of the product.
This is workable, maybe a tad irresponsible. But this is my choice.
I think I got this new Duke language down. How's this
Thon is the Duke fellating himself in front of christs church
Thon is some nekkid teenage boy and thon is the Duke there with him. What they are doing, I'll never tell.
Duane, you are more than correct in that the Duke is a master of dialog. Search out his review of King Kong disguised as a argument with a leper. Tis brilliant
Nice job as usual!
You have KFCs over there? Really sorry to hear it - I apologize on behalf of my country.
Did I detect a reference to my "Mel Call" piece of a few months back? If so, I'm honored. If not, bugger me. (See, I'm getting down with thon lingo of yours.)
P.S. Predator had Schwarzenegger, not Stallone.
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Whoa, Duke, you've totally blown my mind. You mean you guys still allow smoking in your theatres?!