Movie Review: Apocalypto
Published January 17, 2007
"He was drunk" a woman in a purple cardigan shouts. "Folks say a lot of things when they're drunk. I told me ma I was pregnant one night I was wrecked on porter, and by Christ I've never even flicked me own bean."
"He crafts exquisite spectacles" says another.
"Spectacles, is it? I think I need spectacles, for I can hardly believe what I'm seeing! A crowd from here to Auschwitz lining up for observe the twisted brain-farts o' some hateful Nazi bastard just cause it has a bit where a cat bites the lips off of somebody's face."
This said, he drops to his knees and roars to the heavens. "C'mon then, Riggs!" shouts he, "C'mon y'great whelp of a goon, c'mon then and call me to my face a beak-mugged money-huddlin' torn-cock swine, c'mon and tell me here and now! Where's my phone-call, where's my apology? Are you a man at all, or perchance are you as the ropes o' jelly dangle 'twixt a cow's fandango followin' a good solid calving?"
Walking on across the foyer, I turn to the woman in the purple cardigan. "Still" says I, "You can see his point, sure as God, and I wonder now how I can feel anything at all for those protesters who stood up at the ballet in London Coliseum there for to shout down Simone Clarke, on account of her being all BNP, when here I am wandering happily t'wards the ticket booth for to pay to see the latest Mel Gibson?"
"Did you support the protesters?"
"Well yeah, mean, the British National Party are a buncha malignant, vicious, cancerous fuckers. All the same, mind you, she was just performing a ballet, she wasn't shooting swastikas out her hoo-hah or nothin'."
The brain jiving and jagging and jiggering 'thin my skull like an arse fulla jackals, I'm pressing a finger and thumb 'gainst my eyes, grimacing some. "This is gon' have me awake for a month" I'm sighing. "Why couldn't he have blurted something I agree with, for fucks sakes."
"What does it matter" says she. "Mean, who knows what shit Orson Welles or Pasolini or Lucio Fulci maybe gabbled when pished? Nobody knows, because they gabbled it back in the day, back before anyone gave a shit what drunken celebrities might splurge far-side of a ruction with the fuzz."
"Anyway" she adds, reaching for her purse, "It's a flick about the Mayans. What difference what he thinks of Jews in the 20th or 21st century? It's surely not gon' have anything to do with this."
"But see, now" says I, "Pasolini, blessed Pasolini, thon was a Marxist of impeccable intellect and humanity and sense, and when I see, say, The Gospel According To Matthew or The Decameron or Salo, I see that worldview fairly burning the celluloid afore me, whether it's set in Biblical times or Medieval times or whenever. By thon same token, if'n perchance there's some racist, right-wing ideology slinking about the corners of Gibson's head, it's more likely than not gon' show up in his work whether it's set last week or in the footfalls of the dinosaurs."
The Duke (Aaron McMullan to his parents and the clergy) is a Northern Irish writer, performer and insomniac currently residing in London. He is the creator of Mondo Irlando, wherein his scribblings and hollerings can be found. He is currently working towards the completion of his first novel, and his debut "punk / country / folk / whatever" album has recently been released by Ex Libris Records . You can also pop by His MySpace Page and maybe have a coffee and a biscuit.
- Movie Review: Apocalypto
- Published: January 17, 2007
- Type: Review
- Section: Video
- Filed Under: Video: Action, Video: Adventure, Video: Foreign Language
- Writer: Duke De Mondo
- Duke De Mondo's BC Writer page
- Duke De Mondo's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Wow, Duke. This is simply amazing. Perhaps your best yet. I'm awestruck.
Wow.
i just then wrote a grand reply to the pair of you, but didn't my browser cut me off. I'll try to recall it...
Mat - Of the two cinemas dotted about (there were three, but, alas, the man who owned and ran [with his delightful wife] the third recently died), one of them, the one in question, allows for smoking in the hallway. This is odd, becuase of the two, this is by far the biggest, the most corporate, and therefore the one you'd assume would be most likely to ban any such tomfoolery. Now, unofficially, the aforementioned delightful wife who worked in the aforementioned closed cinema would also allow the like, but it was very hush-hush, and if'n the boss-man came a-wandering, it was to be stubbed the hell out. I recall puffing merrily throughout Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.
Phillip - thank you very much, i'm glad you liked it!
It also occured to me that this number, perhaps more than usual, has a vast number of "thons" on display. "thon" is an ulster-scots word meaning, simply, "that". So the phrase "thon is an unlster scots word" could also refer to some OTHER word, and still make loads of sense.
i.e; "thon's the bugger stole my duck, dammit!" or "thon's a right wicked thirst you've on you, Thomas" or "did you perchance see thon fella with the red jacket, for he's owing me forty-seven quid."
Duke, one thing that strikes me in reading this review and the one for United 93, is that you know how to write dialogue, which, in pretending to start writing a novel, I found to be much more difficult than writing narration.
How's the novel coming along?
"Mean, who knows what shit Orson Welles or Pasolini or Lucio Fulci maybe gabbled when pished? ....
This voices my opinion on the matter quite precisely. What should our position be? Boycott those who have been busted for opening their traps, do business with those who have the good sense to keep their mouths shut? Throughout my life, everyone that I have gotten to know pretty well has said something that would best not be repeated in public. That goes for me, too.
Choices:
(1) Selectively boycott providers of products who, based on some careless utterence, might hold positions that you find objectionable.
Fine, but then you assume that the drummer in the jazz band for whose CD you just plopped down $16 does not practice satanic rituals in his basement with the neighborhood kids. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.
(2) Selectively boycott providers of products who are known to hold positions that you find objectionable.
Seems workable, though possibly misguided. Should I care whether or not the local expert garage mechanic thinks people of my profession are sponging off taxpayers?
(3) Thoroughly research the backgrounds of providers of products, thus verifying for yourself that they hold no positions nor have performed any actions that you find objectionable.
Rarely, if ever, workable. Imagine trying to ascertain whether or not the designer of the electrical system in your new Toyota has a history of domestic violence, drug violations, drunk driving, racism, etc.
(4) Ignore providers of products entirely regarding matters not related to their work. Pay for the product based on its worth to you as a consumer of the product.
This is workable, maybe a tad irresponsible. But this is my choice.
I think I got this new Duke language down. How's this
Thon is the Duke fellating himself in front of christs church
Thon is some nekkid teenage boy and thon is the Duke there with him. What they are doing, I'll never tell.
Duane, you are more than correct in that the Duke is a master of dialog. Search out his review of King Kong disguised as a argument with a leper. Tis brilliant
Nice job as usual!
You have KFCs over there? Really sorry to hear it - I apologize on behalf of my country.
Did I detect a reference to my "Mel Call" piece of a few months back? If so, I'm honored. If not, bugger me. (See, I'm getting down with thon lingo of yours.)
P.S. Predator had Schwarzenegger, not Stallone.
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(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/58324)
Whoa, Duke, you've totally blown my mind. You mean you guys still allow smoking in your theatres?!