Things I learned about life from watching Glass Trap:

1. Hundreds of oversized radioactive ants come from a few trees delivered to an office building.

2. Said radioactive ants can remain unseen in sapling during loading and unloading process.

3. The assistant is always the cute one if the boss is bitchy.

4. Bumping heads with cute assistant means you're meant to be together.

5. USDA has many levels, some of which "the president doesn't even know about." They also have a special SWAT team for reasons far beyond typical moviegoers' logic.

6. Radioactive ants are different than regular ants. They can eat without moving their mouths.

7. The bitchy boss woman has no chance to survive.

8. When making a film about oversized radioactive ants, ensure ants are created with a few blown up balloons and black spray paint. The results are spiffy!

9. When balloons look too fake, ensure CGI looks cheap enough to match.

10. In the script, give the best campy lines to the most hated characters.

11. All oversized radioactive ants are eliminated when office building is filled with poison. Never mind the garden they came from. That's just a plot hole. Move along.

12. If Fred Olen Ray directs a film with a budget less than $500,000, run like hell.

13. The Waldman building in Generic City, USA is awfully unpopulated for its size, even if it is a Saturday.

14. Five minutes of screen time featuring a character stealing files from a computer is unimportant after the deed is done. Who needs the character's reasons for doing something like that after all?

15. When in danger, don't go down. Head to the roof to eliminate any possible means of escape. Surely the people riding on the planes in the background that accidentally made it into the shot will see you.

16. With a PG-13 rating, go for nylon, bathing suits and thongs only. Wouldn't want the kids to see too much.