In an attempt to not write sports and celebrate Hanukkah — neither of which ever happens all too frequently in this guy's world — we present you the fifth of an eight-part series, "The Magical Hanukkahtime Section Variety Hour." On the fifth sundown, it's the gift of: Blogcritics Books!

It may take some crack investigation, a team of dedicated detectives, and a little bit of luck, but it will be possible to find tangible evidence that I have, in my seedy past, read a book. Multiple books, in fact.

It wasn't easy, but getting through them was accomplished through a long and arduous process of flipping through the pages, flipping back when I got confused, and ultimately thinking up my own ending for the book when I had too many pages remaining.

Therein dwells the problem. I'll be reading a book I like, then after a couple pages I'll suddenly realize I have drifted off in thought, perhaps thinking about crispy Waffle House bacon. I'm sure some of you will maintain it's also how I write.

It took several years to realize that simply looking at the pages while contemplating life's other mysteries is a horrible way to finish a book. This explains most of my English Lit. grades in high school - the other reason being that I used class time to write a full-length script starring Shannon Elizabeth and Gallagher (never did get produced, by the way).

Short literary works are no problem. Take our fine BC offerings. Mental_Floss's Question of the Day? A cinch to read and digest (Okay, I shelled your pub. Fork it over.). As for any of the fine essays by Richard Marcus, well, that's sort of like a feast. I have to plan in advance and not read anything all day, or else I'll get full halfway and get the runs.

So it's nothing against the written word. Clearly I can read. I just read the previous sentence to ensure it was typo-free (It was!). But aside from the Harry Potter series and a few Christopher Moore novels, you won't find many freshly used paperbacks in my room.

Were the audiobooks cheaper, I'd snag those up in a jiffy. My daily drive from Toledo to Ann Arbor is one I could do blindfolded — and have in the past — but it's extremely depressing (but maybe it's simply because one hour I'm in Toledo and the next I'm in Ann Arbor). It's just not practical to read while you're driving. Especially at night, when you also have to hold the candle in the other hand.

Still, this won't deter me from trying to find yet another novel which shall capture my interest. And if I have my choice, I won't take easy way out and choose the leaflet Famous Jewish Sports Legends.