The situation in Iraq is grim. With sectarian violence rapidly spinning out of control, a war-weary American public is demanding an end to the chaos. The Pentagon has responded by putting three options on the table: Go Big, Go Long, or Go Home.

But I believe this is a false trichotomy. Going Big isn't really an option unless we bring back the Draft, which neither political party wants to do. Going Long will merely ensure that more US troops are killed and more billions of taxpayer dollars wasted in an unwinnable quagmire. And Going Home would leave behind a power vacuum that would quickly be filled by our arch-enemies Iran and al-Qaeda.

Thankfully, there is another option available to us: Wholesale nuclear slaughter. (Call it "Go Apeshit.")

Just think about it. Fallujah - GONE. Completely wiped out, along with every knuckle-dragging terrorist savage within ten miles of it. Same thing with Haditha, Ramadi, Qa'im - hell, all of Anbar province. Let's turn the whole fucking place into a giant sheet of glowing green glass.

And then there's Samarra, Tikrit, Basra - shit, even Baghdad is fair game. It'll be a tad bit depressing to have to blow up all those hospitals and schools we just rebuilt, but as a wise man named William Tecumseh Sherman once said, "War is all hell." And anyway, Halliburton can always bid on the re-rebuilding of Iraq, once the ol' rads get down to a reasonably safe level... like maybe in ten thousand years or so. Heh.

Yeah, those 7th-century primitives thought they knew what "shock and awe" was all about. Well, let's see how smug they are after their retinas have been charred to ashes, and their children are limping around in the rubble, starving, with ragged gray strips of flesh loosely hanging from their bodies. Ha! That'll show 'em who's boss!

To paraphrase Michael Richards: Fifty minutes from now, we could have Muqtada al-Sadr upside-down with a fork in his ass!

Some may worry about world opinion. But the world already hates us, so we've got nothing to lose! And while the mere thought of such an action may make our weak-kneed British allies a bit skittish, I believe Blair will come around in the end. He always does.

Massive butchery of the innocent on a "biblical" scale sounds like a plan to me. Kill 'em all! Let Allah sort them out!