At a press conference recently Madonna — aka Ester — admitted to wanting to "bring this great spiritual, mystical tradition into the 21st century by adding some sex" to its teachings. Madded further explained, "After spending a lifetime perfecting the art of selling sex I figured why not? I even asked Jenna Jameson for her advice."

With her pop hits 'Material Girl' and 'Like a Virgin' playing over loud speakers, Madonna lectured that, "The Kabbalah means 'that which is received.' Sex is all about give and take. Sometimes some give more and others take more but in general it all balances out. Like ying and yang. Frick and frack."

Madonna would like to return to the Chelsea Hotel in New York City to photograph her version of the Bahir book. "It will be modern and explicit. I was never much for philosophy with all the money I was siphoning by exploiting vices." At times Madonna was difficult to follow but her message was clear. "I also intend to revive the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn branch of the Kabbalah. Alastair Crowley was right but he just didn't do things right."

Jewish mystical experts remained confused about Madonna's plans. "I was unaware of this," a distant relative of Gershom Scholem mentioned. "It certainly is bold," added Moses de Leon the XL.

At the conclusion of the press conference Madonna was overheard speaking to a disinterested turtle. "I just want to give back, you know? I feel so empty sometimes. Like, as if my body of work is pointless. I get the sense smart people, you know nerds who watch Jeopardy! are laughing at me. I want to make a difference. Oh well, sex is what I know."

Madonna was asked if she was planning a special trip to Spain where the Kabbalah is said to have originated. She answered "No. Wait. Maybe. Do they have castles there?"

What is the moral of the story? "Stick with what you know," Madonna proudly replied. And that is good, sound advice! Ka-ching!