The Bachelor is in Sicily at a villa-type spa that looks vaguely like the place Michael Corleone stayed with Appolonia, the pure-hearted Sicilian beauty who represented his last chance at redemption. Sadie (did she tell the camera she’s still a virgin yet?) is in a white bikini straddling Prince Lorenzo while giving him a back rub. She tells us Lorenzo has now been responsible for so many firsts in her life -- flying a plane, scuba diving in a pool, giving outdoor backrubs to naked men in Sicily with extra VIRGIN olive oil, etc. We're supposed to think Lorenzo's next first for Sadie will be to help her become the first woman to give up her viriginity before a national television audience. I can see the producers telling one another, "We get that on video and we can go head to head with O.J.'s semi-confession on the Fox Network; we're back in the reality TV big leagues."

Mmm...I do remember something like it on a special episode of Doogie Howser and we now all know what happened with Neil Patrick Harris. I also vaguely remember similar firsts with Tori Spelling's character in Beverly Hills 90210, and maybe there was a lost episode of Heathcliff Huxtable drugging one of Lisa Bonet's friends, having his way with her, then paying an undisclosed settlement. Isn't it strange how reality TV is so much more like sitcom or soap opera TV than actual reality?

I checked the ABC site and, where it once said "Sadie, San Diego, California, 23, occupation: event planner," it now apparently says "Sadie, occupation: telling America repeatedly that she's a virgin."

After the fifth reminder in six minutes, I was screaming at the TV. "Call in Tattaglia to put a bomb on Lorenzo's private plane. Sadie's going to want to show him how she's learned to fly all by herself!"

Do I need to remind myself that just a week ago there was this guy in Colorado who was writing books with his wife about how to keep your marriage vows before God and was helping the people of Colorado ensure that marriage was only for heterosexuals? Sadie is working so hard at letting America know she has an intact hymen that she's sounding an awful lot like Ted Haggard, which makes the "Lorenzo reminds me of Dad" thing even creepier.

Please don't even get me started about the excitement of scuba diving in a swimming pool while you're like thirty feet from the Mediterranean or this whole "I fell for you because you have a pilot's license." I'm thinking, "okay, a boy asks my daughter out and picks her up in his car." Daughter goes, "Wow, I'm in the car with this guy and my life is now in his hands. I must really trust him. He must be really special." Sadie, you do know more people die in cars driven by teenaged boy idiots than in private planes not flown by major league pitchers? I guess, if the prince doesn't pick her in two weeks, we know where we can find Sadie. She'll be hanging around the bar at Lindbergh Field in San Diego, looking for guys with wings on their coat pockets.

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