Election 2006: One Week To Go And It's Time For More Important Issues
Published October 30, 2006
The Peregrine falcon is "admired for its incredible speeds which are seldom exceeded by any other bird. Plunging from tremendous heights, the peregrine falcon can reach up to 180 mph in pursuit of prey. It feeds primarily on birds, which it takes on the wing."
Oh to be a falcon, to be one of the great warriors who dominate their kingdom through the force of their personality, their courage, their quiet but unassailable strength.
But I also want to be fair. What do to for Repubicans? Let's face it, being an elephant sucks. I have given this dilemma much thought as well. As Americans, we should stand proudly next to symbols we treasure most. Our fearlessness and courage in the face of adversity, but also our humanity, our soft side, our belief that if only everyone would believe the way we did, wouldn't the world be such a peachy keen place to raise your kids and race your cars and smoke your dope?
And so, while I haven't canvassed any Republicans, I know the Grand Old Party will be thrilled to learn that their new image is — the beloved panda.
This extraordinary animal has won the hearts and minds of Americans across our great land of opportunity, and we owe a special thanks to the Chinese Communists for renting them to us at such reasonable prices.
I know some of you, particularly Republicans are grousing, "Hey, we get a damn Commie animal for our symbol?" To that, I simply say, remember that the panda was there long before Mao Tse Tongue made the long march from somewhere to somewhere else sending Chin Check Mate into exile on some island. And the panda will be be there long after the Chinese shuck off the idiocy of communism and start beating everybody's brains in within the capitalist system.
Most important, wouldn't it be cool to rally the troops around symbols that give them a sense of pride, of accomplishment, of delusion?
The Hawk and The Panda.
America: The future is bright and clear, clouds torn asunder by the power of these two heroic images leaving us standing proudly under a bright sunlight while immigrants are busy selling sunscreen #45 at only five times the retail price.
Goddamn bless America. Is this a great country or what?
- Election 2006: One Week To Go And It's Time For More Important Issues
- Published: October 30, 2006
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Politics
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Politics: Elections and Candidates, Politics: U.S.
- Writer: Mark Schannon
- Mark Schannon's BC Writer page
- Mark Schannon's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Believe me, I'm not trying to be insulting but I think cats must do for Republicans and rats for Democrats. I have always this Tom-and-Jerry kind of feeling for these two parties.
I don't know about the republicans, but you probably have Columbus Zoo's Jungle Jack Hanna shaking in his boots!
Liked the article sir
Jet
LOL. Thanks.
And, more seriously:"Politics has never been about truth -- it's about reality, the reality we create for those we hope to lift from despair and dump into utter stupidity. "
Right, which is to say it's now more than ever about image and belief--precisely why we really need a new panda/hawk makeover.
You had the balls to call this opinion and not satire, Mark? With that kind of Hutzpá, you have the makings of a good Israeli - not that we really need another Hutzpán here. Seven million is enough, thank you.
Frankly, having read a good part of the Animorph series of books, I can tell you that calling Democrats peregrine falcons is an insult to the peregrine falcon. My only comment about the panda is that it, like the elephant, is an Asian import. Speaking as the Asian that I am, all I can say is that you should have to pay premium prices for both the panda and the elephant.
Republicans are rich enough to afford both.
Great article! Thanks for the laugh on an otherwise aggravating subject, Mark. It was very much appreciated about now. Gotta say I like the lemmings image for the GOP. I don't know that yaks say much, tho, but I would propose perhaps a monkey as a symbol for the Dems: play around all day & never get anything accomplished? That's pretty spot-on. And monkeys DO make an awful lot of chatter, as any visitor to a monkeyhouse can attest. Yeah: monkeys & lemmings. Good ones for our new national images.
The Democratic Dolphin - social, friendly, concerned about the safety of others. (humps a lot)
The Republican Coyote - western, self-reliant, strong. (untrustworthy)
We're getting some good suggestions here.
Just remember, over the objections of Ben Franklin, we picked as our national bird one of the few raptors which is primarily a carrion eating scavenger rather than a noble predator.
Dave
"primarily a carrion eating scavenger"
Seems fairly accurate to me.
Ruvy, there's not an iota of sarcasm in this piece. I'm deadly serious here, my man. And I do appreciate those who've offered other symbols--except Mayank who wants to label me a rat, yuk, or Nancy and monkeys, phew. I don't know enough about Yaks, but I was trying to be nice to the elephants, so while I like the lemming...don't think it's quite fair.
In Jameson Veritas
Based on John Kerry's recent remarks I'd say the jackass is the perfect animal to represent Democrats
Now Arch, let's be fair. One ass does not a body politic make. You need arms and legs. I'm going with the peregrine falcons. You can pick anything you want for your overweight, pea-brained elephants.
In Jameson Veritas
"One ass does not a body politic make."
One? I can name at least 10 jackasses on the left side of the aisle in the next 20 seconds off the top of my head
Hillary Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Joe Biden
Chuck Schumer
Harry Reid
Ted Chappaquiddac Kennedy
Cynthia Mckinney
William Jefferson
John Edwards
All have the official jackass stamp of authenticity!
And on the right...
10. Bill Frist
9. Denis Hastert
8. George W. Bush
7. Dick Cheney
6. John Boehner
5. Jerry Falwell
4. Pat Robertson
3. Tom Delay
2. Donald Rumsfeld
1. Arch Conservative
Arch says...One? I can name at least 10 jackasses on the left side of the aisle in the next 20 seconds off the top of my head
I bet it's uncomfortable having a jackass on the top of your head Arch... are you sure it's not in it?
Ok, twenty jackasses do not a body politic make.
Do I hear thirty?
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Perhaps Yaks and Lemmings? One does nothing but talk about how they would be better, if only we'd give them the opportunity. The other is busily following their leader off a cliff. I have to say, neither the Dems or the Reps are thrilling me these days.