Election 2006: One Week To Go And It's Time For More Important Issues
Published October 30, 2006
Next Tuesday, if Americans are excited as they were four years ago, maybe 64% will go to the polls to decide if elephants or donkeys will control Congress for the last two years of President Bush's term. Ironically, that's only 4% fewer than voted in a mid-term election in 2002. While these numbers are historically high, given all the sturm and drang about soccer moms morphing into security moms, immigrants putting Mexican spices into every goddamn cuisine we've stolen from other countries, fears about the economy, despair about America's world image, you have to wonder, you know, why anyone would sit home on election day. Your vote may not matter, but at least it's a way of doing something other than powering down another Twinkie — although I wouldn't want anyone to think I was disparaging Twinkies.
But that's not what I'm concerned about today. Well, I was concerned about it as I sat down to spread layer upon layer of complex political analysis upon you, but I got sidetracked by something that's been bugging me for as long as I can remember.
You may know that it was Thomas Nast's fault that we have those two obnoxious symbols for our august parties. Mr. Nast was a 19th century political cartoonist probably best known for tearing the arms and legs off Boss Tweed and his machine in New York. He created the elephant and the jackass. Is it any wonder people have trouble acknowledging their political allegiance?
"Hi. I'm a big, smelly, flea-infested pachyderm. Vote for me."
"Hi. I'm an ass. Vote for me."
I'm mostly a Democrat, and I have given much thought to this problem. The last thing an ass needs is to be recognized as one. Nor does it help that slow, dimwitted, cranky Republicans should be so well-characterized by elephants. Politics has never been about truth — it's about reality, the reality we create for those we hope to lift from despair and dump into utter stupidity.
So... what images best reflect the best that we can be, regardless of whether we ever reach it or not?
Ultimately, there is only one animal fit to capture the spirit of Democrats building with such pride their mandate across the blue fields of grain: Our new symbol should be [trumpet fanfare]: the Peregrine falcon -- a bird of extraordinary beauty and grace whose soaring flights should echo in our hearts as we think of the land of opportunity — no, not Bolivia, you idiot. Ah, the Peregrine falcon — nature's most remarkable flying hunter.
- Election 2006: One Week To Go And It's Time For More Important Issues
- Published: October 30, 2006
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Politics
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Politics: Elections and Candidates, Politics: U.S.
- Writer: Mark Schannon
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- Mark Schannon's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Believe me, I'm not trying to be insulting but I think cats must do for Republicans and rats for Democrats. I have always this Tom-and-Jerry kind of feeling for these two parties.
I don't know about the republicans, but you probably have Columbus Zoo's Jungle Jack Hanna shaking in his boots!
Liked the article sir
Jet
LOL. Thanks.
And, more seriously:"Politics has never been about truth -- it's about reality, the reality we create for those we hope to lift from despair and dump into utter stupidity. "
Right, which is to say it's now more than ever about image and belief--precisely why we really need a new panda/hawk makeover.
You had the balls to call this opinion and not satire, Mark? With that kind of Hutzpá, you have the makings of a good Israeli - not that we really need another Hutzpán here. Seven million is enough, thank you.
Frankly, having read a good part of the Animorph series of books, I can tell you that calling Democrats peregrine falcons is an insult to the peregrine falcon. My only comment about the panda is that it, like the elephant, is an Asian import. Speaking as the Asian that I am, all I can say is that you should have to pay premium prices for both the panda and the elephant.
Republicans are rich enough to afford both.
Great article! Thanks for the laugh on an otherwise aggravating subject, Mark. It was very much appreciated about now. Gotta say I like the lemmings image for the GOP. I don't know that yaks say much, tho, but I would propose perhaps a monkey as a symbol for the Dems: play around all day & never get anything accomplished? That's pretty spot-on. And monkeys DO make an awful lot of chatter, as any visitor to a monkeyhouse can attest. Yeah: monkeys & lemmings. Good ones for our new national images.
The Democratic Dolphin - social, friendly, concerned about the safety of others. (humps a lot)
The Republican Coyote - western, self-reliant, strong. (untrustworthy)
We're getting some good suggestions here.
Just remember, over the objections of Ben Franklin, we picked as our national bird one of the few raptors which is primarily a carrion eating scavenger rather than a noble predator.
Dave
"primarily a carrion eating scavenger"
Seems fairly accurate to me.
Ruvy, there's not an iota of sarcasm in this piece. I'm deadly serious here, my man. And I do appreciate those who've offered other symbols--except Mayank who wants to label me a rat, yuk, or Nancy and monkeys, phew. I don't know enough about Yaks, but I was trying to be nice to the elephants, so while I like the lemming...don't think it's quite fair.
In Jameson Veritas
Based on John Kerry's recent remarks I'd say the jackass is the perfect animal to represent Democrats
Now Arch, let's be fair. One ass does not a body politic make. You need arms and legs. I'm going with the peregrine falcons. You can pick anything you want for your overweight, pea-brained elephants.
In Jameson Veritas
"One ass does not a body politic make."
One? I can name at least 10 jackasses on the left side of the aisle in the next 20 seconds off the top of my head
Hillary Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Joe Biden
Chuck Schumer
Harry Reid
Ted Chappaquiddac Kennedy
Cynthia Mckinney
William Jefferson
John Edwards
All have the official jackass stamp of authenticity!
And on the right...
10. Bill Frist
9. Denis Hastert
8. George W. Bush
7. Dick Cheney
6. John Boehner
5. Jerry Falwell
4. Pat Robertson
3. Tom Delay
2. Donald Rumsfeld
1. Arch Conservative
Arch says...One? I can name at least 10 jackasses on the left side of the aisle in the next 20 seconds off the top of my head
I bet it's uncomfortable having a jackass on the top of your head Arch... are you sure it's not in it?
Ok, twenty jackasses do not a body politic make.
Do I hear thirty?
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Perhaps Yaks and Lemmings? One does nothing but talk about how they would be better, if only we'd give them the opportunity. The other is busily following their leader off a cliff. I have to say, neither the Dems or the Reps are thrilling me these days.