Rate the following statements on a scale of one to five, one meaning "not true at all" and five meaning "very true."

1. I sometimes get depressed.

2. When I get depressed, I feel sexy.

3. During sex, I often imagine what I would look like from the perspective of an observer.

4. Introspective wistfulness and bumpin' uglies go together like Natty Light and the NFL.

5. The Emily Haines lyric "There's a new crime: sexual suicide / There's a new crime: let's commit it" is totally hot.

Now divide your total score by five, and you've got yourself a personalized five-star rating for the new Emily Haines record, Knives Don't Have Your Back. My score: two stars out of five. The rest of the weird-ass MPP staff would probably give it a five. It all depends on how thin your line is between sexiness and sadness.

Knives Don't Have Your Back is an album of piano ballads. Each song trudges along slowly. There are fantastic accompaniments of guitars, horns, and strings, but the emphasis always rests firmly on Haines' piano and voice. This is the sound of a solo artist singing at a piano; not of a band with a piano in it. However, if you're looking for some American Idol-type shit (and I wouldn't hold it against you, Fiona lover that I am), you will be sorely disappointed. They aren't that kind of piano ballad.

The ballads of Knives are not fist-clenching or cathartic. The only emotion to be found is muted sadness. Therein lies the sex appeal (or lack thereof, depending on your quiz score). It feels less like "Piano Man" than Portishead. The stars of the show, piano and voice, both sound detached at all times. Even when Haines sings lyrics like "Love is hell, hell is love," her depression is carefully restrained. That doesn't mean it's disingenuous, but it's never vulnerable or pure. This is a very 21st century album in its self-awareness.

If this brand of attractive misery sounds appealing to you, then you should buy Knives Don't Have Your Back. You would be hard pressed to find such kicks anywhere else in greater abundance or quality. The melodies and chords are dark and lovely. The arrangements are just the right amount of clever. She broods like she invented it. Personally, though, I find happiness to be much more of a turn-on.

by Dave Koenig