The quest for a higher power is as old as television itself. Strike that. The quest for a higher power is as old as man himself, so why shouldn’t television get into the act? It should. It has. TLC will premiere (on October 22) a new five episode series entitled The Monastery, in which five men will live in a monastery with 30 Benedictine monks for 40 days. Too many numbers there for you? Five episodes. Five men. 30 monks. 40 days.  Or, if you add it all together, 80, like the number of days plus the number of nights the Great Flood lasted. Coincidence? I think not.

Much like the Great Flood, The Monastery features precipitation (it snows during an episode). And, much like the Great Flood, The Monastery features lots of flowing liquid (seriously, there’s a whole lot of drinking going on with some of these five fellows). And, much like the Great Flood, after the first few hours of The Monastery, I was pretty much done with the whole thing, counting down the minutes until it would be finished.    

The problem isn’t so much that the concept is bad, it’s not. It’s actually a really interesting notion. They take five different men, all facing personal crises, and throw them into a monastery, sealing them off from the outside world for 40 days so they can learn more about themselves and their world and possibly discover faith. See? Vaguely interesting, right? It’s just too bad the people they chose to send to the monastery are so completely and totally uninteresting. For example, let’s look at Warren Huber (not one of the drinkers). Warren is an introvert, studies physics, is striving for the “Gandalf look,” and, here’s the hook for Warren, he’s a former Satanist. 

Yeah. Now we’re talking. That’s what people want to see. Let’s send a Satanist to live with monks. That’s not good TV, that’s great TV! It’s an actual battle of good versus evil and should be just plain fantastic to watch. Oh. Wait. One little glitch here. He’s a “former” Satanist. Former. That takes all the oomph out of it.  Warren has renounced Beelzebub and wants now to be an Episcopal priest. Oh well, that’s not Warren’s fault. It’s actually pretty good for Warren to have renounced Satan and found God.