Dear Elsa,

About two months ago, my first serious boyfriend of about a year dumped me flat on my ass. Not just broke up with me, he dumped me.

He left me for someone else while I was away at school, told me a month after the fact in a letter, and didn't even have the decency to return my calls afterward. It was not the best relationship in the first place, and especially considering the cowardly way he broke it off, I have absolutely no interest in trying to get him back or anything like that.

I don't know where to go from here. I realize I'm probably not in any condition to get into another relationship just yet, but on the other hand, I feel so lonely and repulsive. I really just want somebody to hold me and tell me I'm beautiful.

I'm really starting to doubt my own judgment. I mean, I fell for that loser. What's to keep me from doing so again? It's a thought that scares the hell out of me, especially since I'm not exactly the sort of girl who has men waiting in line.

The rest of my life is pretty much under control — good summer job, going back to school in the fall, awesome friends, all of that — but most days I just want to curl up in my room and not come out. I've never had to work through anything like this before and I don't know how to approach it. Any words of advice would be much appreciated.

Emotionally Drifting

Dear Drifting,

OUCH! I am so sorry for you. And I wish I had some sort of magic shortcut, but I think you’re going to have to just continue to lay low and sort through this. Somewhere in this mess there’s a nugget. There are probably a bunch of nuggets, but you’re not going to find them unless you stay in your pain.

For example, you write that you “fell for this loser.” How’d that happen? You need to find out. You need to figure out how this happened. Did you miss the signs? Did you unconsciously want this sort of experience? Why? What did you hope to get or glean?

See, there is an opportunity for gain here and I advise you to take it because, otherwise, this will continue to haunt you. Right now you are questioning your judgment, but you have to come to see that entering this relationship was your judgment and you are not a fool. There is some rhyme or reason to the fact you were cut this way and you have to find it. It's that or be compromised.

I always say, “If you cut me, I get your knife.” And this is true of you as well. But you have to go into the muck and dig it out. Otherwise you’re just injured.

So this is my advice: Stop thinking about what happened. Instead, ask why. Come up with the answer to that and you will heal. Not only that, you'll have this guy's knife for the rest of your life.

Take care and good luck.