The most clichéd problem among married couples is whether or not the toilet seat is left up or down. Advice columns and bulletin boards offer “solutions” to this ongoing “problem” without offering insight into why this is something couples bother to argue over.

This is a somewhat difficult issue for men to win in a “logical” debate. Women will assert that closing the lid is important for “sanitary” or safety reasons as if many a woman has fallen into the bowl and broken off her tailbone. The weaker argument of how aesthetically unappealing it is to gaze into the unsightly gaping maw of the toilet bowl is sometimes employed.

Neither of these arguments really holds much water. The biggest sanitary issue comes from the flush which sends microscopic water particles into the air or from the bowl itself if you don’t clean it regularly. The aesthetic issue is a pretty subjective one. A toilet isn’t going to look great whether the lid is up or down. The only argument that works on any level is keeping it closed if you have a dog that likes to dip into it for liquid refreshment.

The truth is that this argument is about women asserting dominance in household matters and applying their values to men. In fact, it’s probably the earliest indication in a relationship that there might be arguments about housework later on. The reason I can say this with some confidence is that I’m a woman with relatively high standards for neatness, cleanliness, and order. While my husband and I have never had an argument about the toilet seat (we each can manage to put it up or down as needed without suffering great trauma), we did have issues early on in our marriage about housework.

After arguing about what my husband wasn’t doing to help out enough for several months, we finally reached some conclusions and started communicating productively about how we could both reach a state of satisfaction with the situation. The most important step was realizing that it wasn’t fair to apply my standards to him. Except in cases where health or safety are an issue or external factors affected our situation, there was no reason my husband should have been pressed to comply with what I wanted. For example, I like things kept tidy all the time whereas he prefers to pretty much keep everything where it is most convenient for him to access and put away. Rather than nag at him to keep cleaning off his bedside area, I just let it be or clean it up myself.