It's a mystery concealed inside an enigma.  Perfectly legitimate organizations, groups who do good stuff to help lots of...things...people, animals, plants, plankton, Lithuanian refugees...want to get publicity for their cause.  And they should.  You wouldn't believe what Lithuanian refugees go through, but that's something protected under the "Better Not Blab Or We'll Throw Your Ass In A Hidden CIA Prison" Act of 2003, so I can't talk about it. 

Take dog fighting.  How sick is getting off on putting two dogs in a ring and letting them tear each other to shreds?  These are people without enough genetic diversity in their backgrounds.  Perhaps no genetic diversity at all.  Maybe they spring from odd plants grown in secret underground government laboratories.  But I can't talk about that.

Or cock fighting.  First of all, Bubba, change the name if you want to be taken seriously.  Second, it's as sick as dog fighting.  Read Roots.  The stuff the trainers do to the...roosters...when they get whacked by another...rooster...is, well, just gag me with a stick.

So, The Humane Society of the United States wants to toughen laws against this behavior.  O.k., cool.  I'm with you.  Especially the cock fighting.  That cracks me up.  I mean, that's just terrible.

Who you gonna call?  Imagine the Board of the Humane Society sitting around trying to decide who's going to be their spokesperson.

"Well, we could get Bridget Bardot," says one octogenarian.

"She's too old," mutters another.

"Who is she?" asks one young whippersnapper.

"How about the Barbi Twins?" asks a young dude with slicked-back, black hair, an earring and a nose stud.

"Cool," responds a young woman with a rather prominent...endowment.

"No good," says the Chairperson, "they're working with Willie Nelson on that horse eating issue."

"Whoa," says another, "haven't you heard about Willie Nelson--busted."

"Huh?" from the Chairperson.

"Yeah, September 18th, Willie and his band were pulled over in Louisiana, and the fuzz found a pound and a half of marijuana and some magic mushrooms on his bus.  Got off with a misdemeanor."

"What?" yelled the slicked-back hair dude.  "I got 6 months for one joint."

"Doesn't matter.  Serves the Society for Animal Protective Legislation right for getting a bunch of has beens and never weres to be their spokespeople," said the Chairperson.  "We need someone with gravitas."

They made their decision.  It took a long time.  Then they pulled in the PR help.  Blogcritics got an advanced e-mail news release, as did 2,345,235 others before they release it publicly Thursday, September 21st.

Who you gonna call?  (Would I lie about this?)  Hulk Hogan!  Hulk Hogan?  He can talk, which gives him an advantage over the Barbie Twins -- or it may be that no one listens when they do talk, so they had him do a (excuse me, I have to fall on the floor now) video.  Actually, it's not a video.  According to the Humane Society, it's a "cool clip from Hulk Hogan to Congress."