Satire: If I Told People I Killed JonBenet Ramsey...
Published August 23, 2006
As John Mark Karr emerges as the alleged killer of JonBenet Ramsey, TV exclusives like The Insider are interpreting relics from his past as they attempt to create and understand the profile of a potential killer.
This has included pictures of him in marching band (you know what they say about those band kids ... they're up to no good!) and things he wrote in high school yearbooks.
This leads me to wonder: If I go crazy and kill someone famous or something like that, how will people interpret my high school yearbook? And so we turn to my senior high school yearbook, Hicksville High School Hixonian 2003, Volume 88, to get a glimpse of the killer profile that is Chelsea Louise Snyder.
Page 16, Senior directory. Chelsea Snyder was involved in many, many student organizations and assumed leadership in many. She also received many awards. What does this mean? Chelsea Snyder kept herself busy so as to prevent others from suspecting that she had the mind of a killer and a thirst for blood.
Page 16G – Snyder's senior portrait shows a "come hither" stare and a peak of cleavage. Clearly a provacative Lolita, Snyder must have satisfied her bloodthirst in these young developmental years by utilizing her Basic Instinct-like skills to lure and kill unsuspecting suitors.
Page 28 – Snyder is featured with other senior girls at Homecoming. She is in the back row, third from the left. This position signifies that Snyder is a loner and likes to be behind the scenes so as to better prepare herself to claim her victims.
Page 32 – A quote blurb is featured by Snyder in response to the question, "What was your best memory of the senior trip?" to which she responded, "The many interesting events in the hotel at night." Clearly, she killed someone that night and is alluding to it so as to taunt authorities.
Page 34 – Snyder is pictured as the "Most Artistic" member of her graduating class in the group of senior superlatives. Artistic and dangerous.
- Satire: If I Told People I Killed JonBenet Ramsey...
- Published: August 23, 2006
- Type: Satire
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Personal History, Culture: Humor and Satire, Culture: Family and Relationships, Culture: Crime and Court
- Writer: Chelsea Smith
- Chelsea Smith's BC Writer page
- Chelsea Smith's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Great fun, Chels! I read this earlier today but didn't get a chance to leave a comment.
So all the stuff that the yearbook staff wrote about you is interesting, but what did YOU write in other people's yearbooks. I bet tthat'd be quite a story!
Nice article! That made me actually laugh out loud. I was in the band too...
Aw man, I was a band geek, and had so many extra-curricular activities listed that perhaps I could've done it...us band geeks. We're evil incarnate.
You forgot:
"...Chelsea harbored a desperate obsession with receiving attention and admiration from total strangers; always participated in very public, explicit forms of "Look at me! Look at me!" She particularly wants others to know intimate details from her short past, including likes, dislikes, awards, and cutesy collaborations/public split-ups with her boyfriend the Sports Geek..."
: )
Oh, almost forgot:
Check out "Chelsea's Pants"!!!
(Looks at Shark's yearbook)
Wow, voted Most Likely To Be In Need Of A Good Cockpunch.
Very, very funny, Chelsea. Enjoyed it a lot.
[Looks at Suss's yearbook]
Wow.
"...voted Most Likely to Publicly Court and Then Dump His Fiance -- and Yet Continue to Come to Her 'Defense' Like Some Digital Knight in Shining Armor. "
Hmm, you seem pretty happy, so I'll leave you in that fantasy world where you have arcane knowledge of our relationship.
Very amusing article, and alas, too much on target for comfort. Especially the part about marching band members.
Ahh, don't sweat it, Suss. These past few months have been incredibly tough going for our dear old friend Shark here...despite much counseling and the occasional shock treatment, the doctors have been unable to cure him of the delusion that he's amusing.
Miss Chelsea, you think you're some kinda psycho killer? HA! Imagine what they'd come up with for ME. Not that I'm a narcisstic psycho, or anything.
nah...
we all know the only real psycho around here has the initials gm...
but i digress...
Fun article!
made me chuckle
Excelsior?
Sharkypoo, when are you going to take me out on that date?
Gonzo, I laugh at your pretensions of psychosis. Let's put it this way: Is there anyone here who can testify to YOUR cannibalistic tendencies? I didn't think so.
Pay no attention to the Shark behind the curtain! He's just jealous of Chelsea's gravitas.
And Mr. Barger, I have just one URL for you: www.eathufu.com
As bloggers, aren't we all a little psychotic?
Victor, Pretty cool! How did you make that link work only for Al? :>)
for big Al in number 18...
of course not..i ate the witnesses!
psychotic, mebbe...but not dumb
oh yeah, and fer my favorite Shark....
i luv you maaAAAaaAAAaan!
XOXOXOXO
Excelsior?
Hmm. That link seems to have taken a little vacation, hopefully a temporary one. The curious and enterprising can enter the link into Google and then look at Google's cache of the site.
Shit, I wish I was psychotic. But these days I'm a pretty lousy blogger, which makes me a pretty lousy psycho.
Chelsea:
As bloggers, aren't we all a little psychotic?
As WRITERS we're all a little psychotic. It's a prerequisite; didn't you know that? :-P
"Psycho killer - qu'est-ce que c'est?"
I have no idea what is going on here. You know I don't speak Spanish.
Just Mr. West showing his age, perhaps (?!?!).
I hope he doesn't cause Chelsea to run run run run run awaaaay.
Ya ya ya ya!
Dave
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Hah! your article is hilarious!
In HS, I was voted "most quietest." Clearly, I'm an angry sociopath with an Electra complex who preys on older women who resemble my mother. :-P