Dear Elsa,

I’m really feeling depressed with my life. Even at this age, I have not found the love of my life. Whoever has crossed paths with me so far was not for me; they just leave me in tears.

I don’t know whether I’m destined for true love or not. I have not been married even once – and I'm also not the socializing kind, I'm very reserved and shy. Deep inside I need someone to share my life with, that’s the truth. I have good friends, that’s all, nothing more.

Will I ever find my man? Please help, I’m feeling damn lonely and miserable.

Loveless

Dear Loveless,

If you keep doing whatever it is you are doing, you are going to get what you’ve always had. Benjamin Franklin defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.” You are solidly in your 40s now and if you want to see a change, you are simply going to have to take it upon yourself to transform your life.

When something happens over and over and over in relationships with others and when a theme repeats, this means it is you with the problem. You are the common denominator in all the various scenarios. If you are not willing to go deep and put yourself in the shop for a major overhaul, then most definitely your past is going to predict your future.

What if you do want to get your ass in gear? What if you do want to get proactive? What if you do want to take a hard look at yourself? Well, then I think you can fix this. I do not count anybody out, ever. There is always hope. But at 45, you cannot afford to wait for someone to solve this for you. So do you want to know where to start? I’ll tell you what I glean, from just the one paragraph you wrote.

You identify yourself as a victim (“they just leave me in tears…”) without any words about the part you might have played in these relationships. This indicates a lack of taking responsibility for your life in general.

You write, “I have good friends, that’s all, nothing more…” which shows a marked lack of gratitude and appreciation. Having good friends is an enormous gift. There is also a lack of humility, as well as a sense of entitlement.

You say life has only delivered you these few friends, but you don’t speak to any efforts you have made or plan to make. You’re just lonely and miserable. You’re a victim of life who has gotten the short end of the stick. And I don’t know if you can see this or not, but I can’t imagine anyone in their right mind who would sign on to put up with this out of a woman in her 40s.

So I hope you get to work on this because it doesn't have to be the way it is, I promise you that. Good luck.