It was a crepuscular and tempestuous eve..., no, that's not right — what about night? No, it's been used... ummm, how about gloom... or nocturne? Damn it, I just can't find an obscure and caliginous synonym when I need one...

The Annual Bulwar-Lytton Fiction Contest results for 2006 are now in. Slightly more prestigious then the Giller Prize and ranked only a hair below the Pulitzer, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is a true test of an author's ability to pen exquisitely painful paragraphs of prose.

Started in 1982 and run by the San Jose State University's English Department, the Bulwar-Lytton Fiction Writing Contest takes it name from Edward George Bulwar-Lytton, the famous Victorian author of The Last Days of Pompeii, Eugene Aram, Rienzi, and most famously Paul Clifford - in which he penned what was widely considered to be the most over-wrought literary opening ever, the famous lines "It was a dark and stromy night..."

Here then are a selection of the devilishly brilliant prose from the winners of the 2006 Bulwar-Lytton Contest:

"I know what you're thinking, punk," hissed Wordy Harry to his new editor, "you're thinking, 'Did he use six superfluous adjectives or only five?' — and to tell the truth, I forgot myself in all this excitement; but being as this is English, the most powerful language in the world, whose subtle nuances will blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' — well do you, punk?" — Stuart Vasepuru, Edinburgh, Scotland

Todd languished there, neck deep in the pumpkin-hued Amargosa Desert sand like a long forgotten cupcake in an Easy Bake Oven gone hellishly amok, and it finally made sense... "ooohhhh, DEATH Valley." — Jeffrey Barnes, Atlanta, Georgia

When Debbie decided that Salt 'n' Pepper Beard was the most attractive pirate on the ship, she realized that choosing him was due to the advice of Sylvia, her new Life Coach, to be realistic about her own age and to open herself up to romance where it lay, unlike the troublesome past where she would have wished that only the younger pirates take advantage of her. — Jim Guigli,Carmichael, California

The king's men breathed heavily under their thick black hoods as they secured the wrists and ankles of prisoner William Tumey of Kent and as the rack's handle began to turn the ropes tightened and William's limbs were slowly stretched in opposite directions until his spine began to pop much like a bag of Redenbachers in a microwave and for something like the time it takes a hummingbird's wings to complete one cycle William smiled and euphorically languished in perfect lumbar alignment. — Daniel Kern,
Boise, Idaho

and finally, the Grand Prize Winner:

Detective Bart Lasiter was in his office studying the light from his one small window falling on his super burrito when the door swung open to reveal a woman whose body said you've had your last burrito for a while, whose face said angels did exist, and whose eyes said she could make you dig your own grave and lick the shovel clean. — Jim Guigli,
Carmichael, California

Be sure to click on over to the Bulwar-Lytton site for more priceless prose and the many, many other entries.  If you don't bust a gut, well, it will probably be close...