Satire: Televangelist Suffers Heart Attack After Shooting Down Blogcritics' Blimp And Getting A Sign From God!
Published July 19, 2006
We all saw the video on the evening news last night along with the ambulances, fire trucks, and the lawyers. Now here’s my own first-hand, in-depth story behind yesterday’s headlines.
This is actually two unrelated stories that became one by accident or as Rev. Faldown predicted — a sign from God — though probably not the one he’d hoped for!
Internet multimillionaire Eric Neslo thought he’d come up with the perfect investment. Two years ago he purchased three blimps from the old Goodyear fleet and had them joined together. The project involved converting the bottom third of the largest of the trio and turning it into a luxury hotel/airship for rich high rollers who desired leisurely (average speed only 65 mph) cross-country or transatlantic flights.
The posh airship, named after his website Blogcritics.org, would eventually have 120 luxury staterooms, all looking down of course, a grand ballroom, gourmet dining, a gym, and a casino rivaling any in Las Vegas.
The two customized outer hulls were 242 feet long and 75 feet in diameter; the larger was 305 feet long and 120 feet in diameter. As a unit the entire ship spanned 280 feet across, weighed 43,280 pounds before inflation and incredibly only about 350 pounds after inflation. The builders estimate it had 222 tons of gross lift and would be able to carry a crew of 55 and 240 pampered passengers.
For the trip from New Jersey to Ohio it was fitted with just four, (two on each gondola) continental IO-360 fuel injected engines. Once converted though, it would double that to eight for a total estimated horsepower of 840. After the conversion the airship could carry enough fuel, water for both drinking and ballast, helium and supplies to stay aloft for 48 hours and its weight would increase to an incredible 63,414 pounds.
With the basic construction work completed last month, the grand ship, looking like a UFO out of a bad Buck Rogers episode, was on its maiden flight across Maryland, Virginia, Pennsylvania and on to its final destination to the massive airdocks of Akron, Ohio, where the conversion was to take place over a period of 18 months.
At the time of the accident the craft only carried Eric Neslo, his wife Dawn, a crew of 15 (including pilots) and 61 reporters (including myself.)
Meanwhile…
The Rev. Jerry Faldown, leader of the American Majority Movement to Bring Morality to the Internet was playing substitute teacher for a rocketry class in an open field half a mile from his Christian Academy complex. It was later revealed that Faldown wasn’t qualified to teach the class.
From his pulpit at Freedom Baptist Congregation in Lynchburton, Virginia last Sunday, he said he was waiting for a sign from God before he unleashed his “Christian Soldiers,” primed to electronically attack and mass overload any website he deemed not having “a higher moral code.”
In a pre-dusk cloudless sky at around 8PM yesterday, “The Blogcritics” passed low overhead interrupting a pre-launch prayer session. Several of the elementary rocketry class paused to look up at it. Despite protests and numerous warnings, and after sarcastically remarking that he’d laugh his head off if he actually shot the heathen ship down; he fired the rocket. The model missile on the pad was an unusually large one that a student had been modifying and working on for his professor. It was later revealed that it shouldn’t have been fired until it’d been checked out.
Jet is the not yet published author of two spy novels, SYSTEM 10 and its sequel GHOST OF A CHANCE, and a professional artist. He likes to collect books, music, chess sets, and friends. Favorite quote: "Evil only succeeds when good men do nothing."
In 2004 his "good life" came to an aburpt end with a robbery and near-fatal beating. He now works as a writer/artist on disability.
- Satire: Televangelist Suffers Heart Attack After Shooting Down Blogcritics' Blimp And Getting A Sign From God!
- Published: July 19, 2006
- Type: Satire
- Section: Culture
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Culture: Religion
- Writer: Jet Gardner
- Jet Gardner's BC Writer page
- Jet Gardner's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
To paraphrase Captain Solo, it's too big to be an airship!
Don't make me come over there and confiscate your geek card.
This is the consequence when no one wanted to suggest what I should blow up next!
oh....the humanity!
/golfclap
i especially like the photoshop work, fucking priceless
Excelsior?
(whimper) ...forgive me Eric. It's just as well I have my shrink appointment at 1PM today...
Speaking of shrinks, Jet, would you be willing to review a book for me? Don't worry, it's not one written by me. I've been meaning to write a review of it for quite awhile now, and just haven't been able to make the time.
Yeah, I am all about going down....with the ship!!! Jet, I am starting to worry about you :)
i....can't....resist....
Dawn sez...
*Yeah, I am all about going down....*
now we all know why the picture of big E is always smiling...
/hides
Excelsior?
Poorly written unfunny drivel. Expect better of this site.
You are aware that Blogcritics tracks unique IP addresses aren't you, "Sam"?
Was I almost taken out by a "sam" missile there Chris?
All right Victor, why didn't someone TELL me I had a geek card?
Victor#9 I honestly would like to help you but with my eyes in the condition they're in, it'd take for ever.
I'm honored you'd ask though...
Jet
Dearest Sam #12, I'm truly sorry, and I'll try to do better next time. Smile for me.... Please?
Christopher Rose, you big lug, you make me blush.
Dawn Olsen, wait till you see what I name the replacement ship!
dammit gonzo...I just found this and the first thing that came to mind was...oh the humanity!
Andy I was going to make you the blimp pilot but you were busy in Florida... sorry
That's okay Andy, kinda makes you wonder what Mrs. Faldown was doing in the basement doesn't it?
You're a funny guy Jet! I actually made that last comment before I realized it wasn't fatal!
hey, at least it wasn't Andy in the basement with Falldown...
they are neighbors...
sort of
Excelsior?
Gonzo #7 Photo shop???
Okay first I saved a .bmp of the goodyear blimp, then converted it to a .jpg with microsoft paint, then copied it to Microsoft Word 2000 to enlarge it to scale to three different sizes so I had the perspective right for the two outer blimps, then stretched and enlarged the center one.
Then took each individually and superimposed them on top of eachother in line. Then I used Corel draw 2000 to fade/edge each into eachother, and enlarge the fins upward on the outer and backward on the inner.
Took it all back to Microsoft Word 2000 and used the WordArt tool to scale and rotate the BlogsCritics logo in Wide Latin Black and superimosed it over the ship. Then back to Paint to pick and choose the shades of blue-gray making them lighter as they went forward on the ship to reflect the sunlight, and add the running lights.
Transferred the whole thing back to Corel to pull the letters out of focus to match the picture and to warp them to fit the curvature of the blimp. also to change the color and texture of the fins and get rid of the origianal goodyear logos.
Back to paint to create and make sure the braces were straight for the under carraige than back to Corel to fade them out of focus to match the focus of the original photo and also to expand the sky around the jagged edges.
Then to Photo Art 1998 to adjust the contrast and sharpen the overall focus slightly and also to adjust the color down from all the contrast work.
Back to Word to scale it, and finally Paint to put the whole thing together as one package.
And you wonder why it took all day?
I sold my professional graphics computer two months ago to make the rent.
It was worth it judging by the comments, I'm glad all of you enjoyed it. I may expand the sky on the original so it can be used a wallpaper.
shwew
OK, Jet, you didn't critique my Bowie/Eggnoggin duet, but I made up a little ditty to provide a sound track to your blimp story anyway.
Sung to the tune Copacabana by Barry Manilow:
His name is Falldown, he was a preacher
With a mug that blows hot air and a gut that sags to there
He preached the fire, he preached the brimstone
He professed to love The Word, but he's a hypocrite, a turd
He's a Bible thumping boor, a Christian soldier losing the war
But he was rich and he had a mansion
Who could ask for more?
At the blogsite, Blogcritics blogsite
A sinister cabal that covers blimp flights
At the blogsite, Blogcritics blogsite
Celebrity bashin' is always in fashion
With this blogsite.... Jet fell in love
His name was Eric, he was a blogger
He bought a Goodyear blimp, he did anything but skimp
It had a restaurant, it had a sauna
But before it cruised too far, something happened quite bizarre
Falldown led a class, and of himself he made an ass
There were hopes for a sign from God
But the timing was flawed
At the blogsite, Blogcritics blogsite
The sinister cabal imagines blimp flights
At the blogsite, Blogcritics blogsite
Amazon linking is always in fashion
With this blogsite.... Jet fell in love
His name was Falldown, he hated heathens
With the Goodyear overhead, he sneered and shook his head
He had a vision, a cataclysm
An idea like a lightning rod, he would do the will of God
And then the rocket flew, the blimp was blown in two
There was blood and some helium
Falldown made the blimp fall down
At the blogsite, Blogcritics blogsite
The sinister cabal invents a blimp flight
At the blogsite, Blogcritics blogsite
Guitar poll a-trashin' is always in fashion
At this blogsite.... Jet feels the love
Hell, I messed it up. I wanted to put in the line
"Amazon cashin' is always in fashion"
instead of what I posted. Oh well, it was a rush job.
/falls off chair
geeez...duane...[chortles]...please...stop..[gasps]
please...mercy... [herniates self]...ya gotta.....
arRRRRrrRRRRrrRRgGGGGgGGGggGGGhhhhh
Excelsior?
Duane, I'm blown away, flabbergasted, and flattered. Thank you for the smile
Jet
I'm getting closer and closer to changing my tag line from "Only my opinion" to "Dear God what have I done?"
You bet, Jet. Thanks, gonzo.
Of course thanks to yout hat damned melody will be stuck in my head the rest of the night...
Thanks a lot Duane, now I've got Barry Manilow stuck in my head hanging out of a bell tower screaming "The Blimp, Boss, The Blimp!!!" and Herve Villechanece as Tattoo is flying the blimp...
Oy vay
Jet, you are a genius. Very funny.
I was overwhelmed by the seriousness of the ridiculous.
I can't wait for the movie to come out!
Thanks Maurice; as for the movie, I'm still waiting for financing from multimillionaire Eric Neslo, and we have to buy the rights from Barry Mamilow for the theme song.
alas
I wonder if millionaire Bruce Wayne ever hangs out with Multimillionaire Eric Neslo... Maybe I should rephrase that.
I'm thinking Christopher Walken as Rev. Faldown...
Oh, Jet - you DID go get better drugs from your doctor like I suggested! Good for you!
Ahhh...would that at least part of this scenario were true (the destruction of everything connected w/a certain televangelist).
Oh god they're casting the movie already! Brad Pitt as Eric Neslo-with plenty of nude scenes?
Carus deus, quis have ego commissio?
Jet
Hey,
I found this from a google link! Great satire. Too bad it will become an urban legend and fact within 6 months! I would not be at all surprised to see it show up in the news someday soon!
Wil
What link WilsonZ? Despite what I just wrote on my "Golden Umbrella" string I'm going to find a way to laugh through this if it kills me.
Okay Brad Pitt as Millionaire Mark Neslo-who would we cast as his faithful and courageous wife Dawn?
either Angelina (YES! nude scene is a MUST) or, if ya wanna be eeeeeee-vil... Jennifer Anniston (talk about fireworks on the set!)
glad ta help
Excelsior?
We could get Dave Nalle to play the heroic blimp pilot-he's an expert at controlling hot air!
May I suggest Lindsay Lohan to play me. We have a lot in common. The red hair, our proclivities for exposing ourselves in public, the whole coke whore thing and oodles of talent just oozing from our blemish-free pores.
but...but... will she go down......with the ship, of course..as readily or as ably as you ? or Angelina for that matter?
there's the Question
/runs from the Olsen horde
Excelsior?
Jet #46
I was waiting for someone to say the 'hot air' thing. I thought maybe you would accuse Sussman of hot air.
Of course his satire already crashed and burned earlier.....
Dawn 47-Yeah, like I'm going to disagree with you? Since I'm the "creator" I'd go back in time and pick Rachel Welch in her mid 20s to play you.
We could get Christopher Rose to play the guy in the basement?
Maurice 49 sorry for a lack of response, but I crashed and burned this afternoon, and I'm just recovering...
OH LORD! this article was reprinted automatically on line in The Maryland Energy News about halfway down the page after some computer spotted the words, electrical fire, powerlines and Maryland in this satire!
ROTFLMGDAO
best....bit....of...the...week
ya gotta luv bots
Excelsior?
Forgive my ignorance but you've lost me... sorry
oh no..
i mean that the e-magazine picked up your Satire due to a bot search engine that auto updated their page
i find that Amusing...
silly Jet
Excelsior?
Actually it three now:
Maryland Energy Newa
East North Central U.S. Aerospace News
and a fire insurance website called Real Estate Hot Zone
actually I was wondering about the "ROTFLMGDAO"
Carus deus, quis have ego commissio?
Jet
"rolling on the floor laughing my god damned ass off"
you know i live to Serve...
Excelsior?
I'll have to jot that one down...
Eyes are starting to hurt, have a long day tomorrow, thanks for the smiles and education today my friend...
Jet
no worries Jet..
take care, and good Luck on the morrow
Excelsior?
Gonzo #60 Thanks Gonzo... As always... Carus deus, quis have ego commissio?
Jet
The hell with casting this one, what'll I do for a sequel???
perhaps a story about the strange relationship between Bush and his gay chicano speech therapist...?
Jet. I am concerned about you.
....his gay chicano...
Both would be funny.
Maybe Laura was trying to "Save" him before George got to him?
Alas, it appears as though all three websites have removed the story suddenly realizing it was a satire.
it was fun while it lasted though
Carus deus, quis have ego commissio?
Jet
I think I'll write a part for Chantal as the church secretary...
...I could title the sequel Eric and Dawn's Excellent Adventure!!! Now all I need is a laser, a mop and bucket, a pound of ground beef, a 1981 Chevy Citation, blue food coloring, a can of Budweiser chilled to exactly 51 degrees, two goldfish and some KY jelly!
...Oh and a packet of mayonaise from the local fish and chips shop.
Hmmmmmmm
Wher can I find a funnel?
Carus deus, quis have ego commissio?
Jet
Just found this on the The Maryland Energy News site again, you have to go to the bottom of the articles and click next and it's half way down on the 2nd page!
Their computer keeps coughing it up because of the mention of electrical fire, power poles etc!!!
Someday I'm going to figure out why everything disappears like that.
I wonder what Rev. Faldown's sermon for today was?
I wonder what Rev. Faldown's sermon for today was?
I heard it was Hezbollah means Homosexual in Arab. It was a dissertation on why Hezbollah must be destroyed. Not because they are philanthropic terrorists, but because they're queer.
Silas! You're back? Trust me Hezbollah is completely hetrosexual, no organization that caused that much trouble could be anything else.
Did you finish my Novelization?
Okay, I'll cast Clavos as the heroic blimp pilot in the sequel...
I'd be careful my pretty, or I could crash a blimp into your house too! Heh heh heh
HEADLINE-Israeli forest strangers invade Virginia college campus to steal blimp remains to sell to N. Korea to make more missiles to aim at Lebanon.
Meanwhile in Honolulu Rev. Faldown tries to write the whole thing off as a business expense!
Meanwhile the massive "Dawn of Time" is being constructed to multi-millionaire Eric Neslo's exacting specifications and no one can understand the blue prints... for some reason he wants the twin front nose cones painted flesh-colored and the mast attachments painted dark red so they're easier to see???
Why was the mysterious arms dealer in the basement with Faldown's wife?
What sinister fiend has found a way to make satelite radio continously play only an odd movie theme sung by Barry Manilow TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY!
Stay tuned...
DAMN IT DUANE-BECAUSE OF YOU I CAN'T STOP HUMMING COPA COBANA!!! THE CURSE OF BARRY MANILOW!!!
You guys should've told me you went to Las Vegas, I'd have sent the new blimp out to crash into something or at least circle around for a while!
Carus deus, quis have ego commissio?
Jet
Beware... the next blimp could fall on you!
Attention: I'd like everyone to investigate the right side menu. That button marked BC Forums....
Attention: I'd like everyone to investigate the right side menu. That button marked BC Forums....
Today is the 70th anniversary of the Hindenberg crash... kinda gives you pause? doesn't it?
So long Jerry Faldown... I'll always remember you with a smile...
Damn! and I was warming up the blimp for another pass too!
Nice to know that time eventually wounds all heels.
Howya doin' Jet? Long time no hear....
Look out Ron Paul! BC has the answer to your blimp!
Add your comment, speak your mind
(Or ping: http://blogcritics.org/mt/tb/50545)
Thanks Mark!