There is nothing quite like the feeling of living in fear of your own memories. Not the things you can remember easily, but the events you can feel lurking like shadows on the periphery of your consciousness. It's like seeing something at the extreme edges of your peripheral vision; a teasing glimpse that plays on your awareness.

For more than twenty years now, I have blocked out memories of my childhood; memories of being sexually abused by my father. Disassociation at the time of the events, coercion from my father at the time in the form of threats and promises, and alcohol and drug dependencies from thirteen onward all were factors in the repression and denial of the events that took place over a period of at least ten years.

While it may be obvious to most people how my substance abuse ensured I could avoid dealing with realities that were unpleasant, in truth it was only was successful in masking the fact that something had happened in my childhood that I didn't want to think about. It was also an expression of the loathing I felt for myself due to those incidents.

The actual burying of the memories was caused by my sense of self-preservation, and the influence exerted by my father. You don't often stop to rationalize why you are an addict while you are in the process of becoming one; you don't wake up one morning and say, "I think I'll get addicted to drugs and alcohol." Even though the result is the same as if it were a conscious decision, that's not how it works.

First, you're in denial about being an addict so you're not going to have "decided" to become one, and second, if you remembered what had happened you would have no need for the addiction. The drugs and the booze are compensation for something that you think is missing from your life. They offer solace and comfort that you don't seem to be able to get from any other source, be it a person, belief, or endeavour.

You don't have any memories of your childhood like so many others around you seem to have. Where they can talk about things they did with their fathers, you only seem to have blanks, and can't remember anything about being alone with him. Or when you force your mind in those directions you either come up against a sense of fear, or the feeling that if you say anything you'll be betraying something.