To: People Who Really Don't Give a Shit

From: Hack Stompsem, Ace Attorney at Law

Re: Rockstar Games Latest Release Filled with Sexual References

I, Hack Stompsem, have spent an exorbitant amount of time studying Rockstar's supposedly family friendly video game, Rockstar Games Presents Table Tennis. This game carries an 'E' rating, which is, of course, nothing more than a sham because you should blindly believe everything I say.

It comes as no surprise to me that Rockstar has created a title with balls and paddles. These are hardly just a means to play a game. Besides, no video game has ever been about anything other than violence or sex. I have research that I won't include in this letter because you should blindly believe everything I say.

It's also funny how Rockstar has used a nearly unreadable small font on the game box to prevent parents from seeing who makes this game. Instead, they chose to make the "Table Tennis" stand out. This is proof that Rockstar knows how to manipulate a broken system.

Things go sour in Table Tennis early. The most glaring problem, one pointed out by countless websites I read (but won't include links to because you should blindly believe everything I say) is that the player on the bottom portion of the screen can play the game easier than the player on the top. In other words, there's less work to do on the bottom, an obvious, blatant, and completely ignored sexual reference by the ESRB.

It's really no surprise then that both the female and male players wear skimpy clothing. The men wear shorts so short, their testicles should be hanging out. In fact, I saw this happen, but I won't provide proof because you should blindly believe everything I say. The females, on the other hand, not only wear tight fitting clothes, but when they celebrate, their shirts move up to reveal their belly buttons. Belly buttons! In a video game!