Satire: Karl Rove and the Gospel of Judas
Published April 08, 2006
"Chancelucky, this is Karl Rove. We met at the horse milking party."
"Karl, I wanted to apologize for not shaking hands with you afterwards. It wasn't personal. I'm just a little squeamish."
"No problem, not everyone likes to see me polish my push polling techniques up close."
"No problem Karl. I'd have to say the results have always spoken for themselves."
"Let me get right to the point. I have a project for you."
At this point, I had visions of being able to finally achieve some of my most ambitious dreams on the Internet. I could, for instance, send hundreds of thousands of get well messages to that sick kid in West Virginia. I could pay for dozens of free three-night stays in Las Vegas. If things really went well, I might even have the 800 dollars it took to buy that free iPod.
"Im looking for someone to help me write a new gospel for the New Testament."
My giddy fantasies quickly gave way to reality.
"Karl, I have to confess that I've only read the New Testament a couple of times."
"Don't worry about it. That's a couple times more than Rick Santorum's read it by his own admission. The religious right happily still votes for him."
"Okay, but why the New Testament?"
"It's called firming up the base. Besides, the DaVinci Code was a big hit in the blue states. The party doesn't want to be Left Behind even when it comes to apocryphal bestsellers."
"Firming up the base?"
"Only 25% of the American people believe the President is being sincere about this Valerie Plame thing. A lot of those folk are evangelical Christian voters."
"Can't you just spread some absurdly false stories about Wilson being a liar and how you never knew her name? Those right wing bloggers believe anything as long as it's in a set of talking points."
"First of all, I don't spread false stories. I imply them. Have you noticed that the White House itself doesn't actually comment on any of this stuff?"
"I've noticed that they don't even comment on you lately."
"Well, as you know, the President has high standards for his staff. He even very courageously said the other day he'd fire anyone on his staff who commits a felony. That's every bit as high a standard as they have for working at Wal-Mart and it's significantly higher than the one at Tyco or Enron."
- Satire: Karl Rove and the Gospel of Judas
- Published: April 08, 2006
- Type: Satire
- Section: Politics
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Culture: Religion, Politics: U.S.
- Writer: Chancelucky
- Chancelucky's BC Writer page
- Chancelucky's personal site
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/golfclap
best...read...of...the...day!
now i gotta clean the orange soda off of my Monitaur...
nuff said?
Excelsior!
Hey,
This literally seals the issue that I have been breaking my head over many many years....that Christianity was not what it seems to be.
Thanks, and I am avidly looking for more.
Georgie
Thanks for all of your kind comments. The first time I posted this on my own site, I was getting about 10 hits/day so wasn't sure if more than a couple people read it. It's very gratifying to know that people read it and enjoyed it.
The Karl Rove stories are part of a series btw over on my website. They're listed either in humor or Karl Rove on my tag list.
While a fresh historical row has erupted over Gospel of Judas, Qu’ran and Islamic history too had recorded this event
According to Islamic history quoted by Imam Jalaluddin al-Suyuti (born 1445), it was Judas who faced death on
the cross and not Jesus whom God had “raised unto himself” (Qu’ran Chapter 158).
According to Al Suyuti “when the rabbis could no longer bear Prophet Jesus’ preaching they hatched conspiracy
to eliminate him with the help of one of his disciple Judas, who is known as Tatyanoos in Arabic history.
With the help of Judas, the Rabbis used Roman soldiers in their plan”.
Judas informed them that Prophet Jesus would be alone in a room at a particular time. Thus Tatyanoos or Judas
as he is known in the Bible, accompanied by the Roman soldiers made his way to the place where Jesus was
offering his prayers.
Judas instructed the soldiers to remain outside and entered the room alone.
However, before Tatyanoos entered the room, God “raised Jesus up”! So, when Tatyanoos entered the room, the
room was empty. Judas’ appearance was miraculously transformed to resemble that of Jesus. The soldiers,
despite his protests, captured him and crucified him in Jesus’ place.
Qu’ran has recorded: “... and for their (Jews) saying, ‘We killed the Messiah, Jesus the son of Mary, the
Messenger of Allah’. They did not kill him, nor did they crucify him, but to them (the one crucified) was
given the look (of Jesus).
Those who differ concerning him (Jesus) surely are in doubt regarding him, they have no knowledge of him,
except the following of supposition, and they did not kill him — a certainty. Rather, Allah raised him up to
Him. Allah is Mighty, the Wise.” (Qu’ran Ch. 4 verses 157 - 158).
Interesting. I know the Qu'ran does not include the crucifixion, butu does include Jesus and there is someone who is taken for Jesus, but can you point me to Tatyanoos in the text itself? You seem to be using citations, but the formatting here is making it hard for me to follow them.
thanks.
Blessed are the peacemakers:
for they shall be called the
Children of God
(Mat 5:9)
Jesus's way is not by sword but by cross
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Dude, this is SO wrong on so many multiple levels. I mean, are you WANTING a vacation at Gitmo or something? What the hell's wrong with you?
If this doesn't make the editor's picks this week, I'ma have to whoop the editor's asses.