I don't know what I would do. This thing has become such a huge goal of mine. It is more than a diet; it is a tangible tool for change. This diet could prove to me what I can do with a little effort. And since I currently have a very bad case of "what-the-fuck-am-I-gonna-do-with-my-life," I think I need to prove to myself that drastic measures can indeed be taken.

But these days, the ones with no motivation, are the worst. I didn't really want to work today and I certainly talked myself out of exercising. About the only thing I can really salvage from today was that I really wanted to get fast food, yet decided to get a double meat Subway club instead, thereby staying within the cheating rules I have set for myself. Right now there are exactly two weeks left in this, and I have probably blown my chance to get to 300 by then. I have a feeling that a double meat club, even if you don't get cheese and mayo, isn't conducive to rapid weight loss. (Interestingly enough, though, when I went from 345 to 300 a few years ago, the double meat club was consumed at least three times a week).

Look, I know there will be days like this. Actually I am really surprised there haven't been more. I should be astounded by the amount of motivation I have found over these last 85 days. But when you have come as far as I have, and still have so far to go, every day like this makes you wonder when you will want to say enough is enough. It wouldn't be hard right now to convince myself to be happy with the 56 pounds I've lost. And in turn, it wouldn't be hard to put 30 of those back on. Every craving, every wrinkle in the routine, every lethargic morning scares me into thinking that I can't find the motivational fuel to finish this.