Stephen Colbert is having one of his most sought after dreams come true soon. He is going to be a father. Not of the typical Homo sapien infant you would expect; he is already the father of three of those. He is going to be the father of America's symbol, a bald eagle. The San Francisco Zoo is going to name a bald eagle after Mr. Colbert. This would be the happiest day in any man or woman's life. Could you imagine parenting a fierce bird of prey? Don't you wish your son or daughter had a razor sharp beak and talons? I think everyone owes someone a "congratulations on your new arrival" card.

There is a war going on, and it is not the war on terror which is all you would find on the news channels. It is the war on Easter. A business in Saint Paul required one of their secretaries to remove Easter decorations from her desk including Easter eggs and a stuffed rabbit. This led to last night's "Word" --Marketing. Easter is no longer just a religious holiday, it is a complete market. About a month before Easter, the sales of chocolate eggs, chocolate bunnies, baskets, plastic eggs, dye for eggs, and puppies skyrocket. This bails the super stores out of the drop in sales which happen between Christmas and Easter. Who is to blame for this? Two words — Al Franken.

But wait, this kind of trickery is beyond the capability of Mr. Franken's mind. There must be another person, or perhaps a group ... OF COURSE, this is the work of none other than the bear army. It all makes sense: bears find rabbits delicious. And by forcing the Easter Bunny out of a job, they would force him to the street, leaving this beloved creature open to attack. They would then eat his magical meat to obtain the magical powers the bunny possesses. This will leave chocolate Easter bunnies, which bears also find delicious, at unbelievably cheap prices.

Last evening there was a David vs. Goliath battle, wit vs. the opposite of wit; this time Goliath won. This battle was between the noble Stephen Colbert and the pathetic Russ Leiber. The issue was gay adoption. Mr. Leiber said a bunch of stuff, I am not really sure what — for some reason when he starts talking I catch ADD. What I did pick up was Blah Blah Blah, I am Anti-Homosexuals, and a hippy who attends drum circles. Stephen fired back saying

Here's what you don't get, Mr. Lieber. Gay adoption undermines the basic family unit. Now, I know to you, a family could be anything; two guys, a pet rock, a Martian,... 'Gee, dad! Can we play ball? I don't know son, are you gay yet? Cause you know how angry it'll make one of your dads if you don't kiss the captain of the track team.