"Well even so, where's a man to find an arse at this time o' the day?"

Where indeed? Where might a man find an arse, if not at the very peak of Bill O'Reilly's thighs.

Turns out Bill O'Reilly had torn the arsehole out his back sometime early that morning, on account of he stank up a public toilet something rotten and didn't want to admit it.

"How can it've been me?" he hollered, "I don't even have an arse!"

By the evening, we'd had Bill O'Reilly's frozen anus shipped to County Antrim, had my friend's arse removed by way of a noisy procedure involving doctors running back and forth tween operating rooms hollering about "I ain't got time!" to gun-shot wounded teenagers and having sundry affairs with each other, and had the new bum sown on in its place.

Couple days later, I got the news.

"That fella" The Priest said, "Y'know the one, fucker with the boil on his arse turned out to be Ann Coulter?"

It didn't ring a very many bells.

"Y'know, had his arse removed and replaced with Bill O'Reilly's?"

Oh yeah. Whatever happened to him?

"Cut his arm last night, bled to the very fuckin' death."

But how? Hells fire, a fella could cut any number of limbs, all he needs to do is tell somebody and get it stitched up all lovely-like.

"Well that's it, he didn't tell a soul. Folks would be sayin, Oi, you're bleedin out your bicep, he just shouted at them to shut the fuck up and about how he'd boot them in the fuck-pouch should they break another slanderous breath."

It turned out a similar fate was awaiting Jeff Fahey after that new arm got all settled in.

From a medical text book of some kind;

"Fahey slowly took on the characteristics of the donor of said limb, in this case a murderous madman done gone killed folks left and right. When transplanting limbs, willies or arseholes, be sure the personality of the donor is compatible with the recipient, otherwise no end of hilarious, possibly quite graphic, foibles may result."

We shed a tear for our fallen comrade, aye, and then another couple tears for the vipers so wastefully wasted in pursuit of a Coulter-less hole.

Thanks folks