That was the first moment that I remember realizing what my father was capable of. I was sure he was going to throw my brother and our mother both in the river. I was crunched in a ball on the floor behind the passenger's seat hoping that he would simply forget about me. I was absolutely terrified for what seemed like hours. Eventually the door opened and my brother was literally thrown into the backseat but landed on top of me where he stayed the rest of the drive home. His face scared the hell out of me. Now I know that he went beyond terrified and probably had completely dissociated, luckily for him. But at the time I didn't understand. I also still believed that my mother was a safety net for us.

When I spoke with her last night she mentioned different things that she had read and finally she started to talk about the little boy whose father tossed him off the bridge last weekend. The conversation that I have dreaded all week - that I've half prayed would never come about. She was really upset when speaking of the boy and I knew that this was where her lines were blurring just a bit. This horrible thing gave her the chance to speak about what had happened with my brother without having to be direct, even obvious. She projected a lot on to the little boy, things clearly she thought and felt for my brother but couldn't let herself say. If she showed fear to my father he reveled in it, so she always had to take a smart approach. He wanted to scare her, panic her, provoke her and very rarely did she let him see it. I know he got her often but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing her fall apart. At least not until her illness completely overtook her. She told me last night that she had resisted taking meds when we were younger because she was afraid that she wouldn't be "sharp or alert" enough to protect us.

It was lose/lose though. It was him, not her. On her best days now at least she half believes that. He could have helped her and instead he tormented her and then terrified her children right in front of her.

I got a call from my mother's doctor at 6am. She isn't doing well at all. They aren't sure why but she had some sort of "break" during the night. They sedated her and she'll be down for the day. I'm going to have to take a drive up after work. The doctor said that she has seemed more agitated in the last two days then they've seen her in months.