Satire: The Helmet Creates World Peace
Published March 02, 2006
See, instead of having to feel guilty and get offended, I think that I've just been supremely complimented, and my boss is none the wiser when he gets this response.
Manon: Hey, I have a lot of stuff to do, but I'll do it when I get around to it.
Translation:
Manon: Hey, anything you want man. You're the boss. Anything you say goes. Do you mind if I pull this tape recorder out? I don't want to miss on second of your insight.
I know this sounds really farfetched, not so. We know why dogs sniff each others butts, and they can't even talk, and you're telling me that somehow we're an enigma. No way.
Psychologists have made great strides in the realm of personality. It is becoming harder and harder to go through your day without some reference to the Self. Whether its Oprah or internet chatrooms people are getting to know themselves and how they interact with others. According to most personality tests there are 9 to 12 different personality types. These would be programmed into each persons helmet, so that it appears that everyone has the same world view that you do.
All you would have to do is program these personalities into a computer, and have it translate different sentiments into compliments for different personalities. I personally like to think that I'm better than everyone else, so I get really hurt when I'm criticized. But you see the computer would know that I'm an enneagram 8 and instantly translate everything I hear, even criticism, into compliments about my inherent greatness.
So you see, world peace is within our grasp people!
Edited: [!--GH--]
- Satire: The Helmet Creates World Peace
- Published: March 02, 2006
- Type: Satire
- Section: Politics
- Filed Under: Culture: Humor and Satire, Culture: Society, Politics: U.S., Politics: International
- Writer: Virginia Dare
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- Virginia Dare's personal site
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Comments on this articleComments
Helmet? No thanks, I'll wait for the implants. With modern nanotechnology, they should be able to alter our perceptions like this without hardly blinking.
Then again, maybe they already have. How would we know?
Whoops, I gotta go. Someone is videotaping me in my spaceship!
My boyfriends like to tell me I have a built in helmet when we argue, I thought it would be funny to extend the metaphor.
You have had this in your head for awhile helmets a must in the world today. Translation on the other hand a little tricky for me I think I would get big headed with all complements all day so I would have to turn my translator down a little just to balance it out. So the helmet never the less is a excellent idea preferably with a tuner switch to best fit the wearers comfort level. In past events I have known people to love a little harshness in there life but those are the ones that the whole helmet purpose is needed.
Great article hope to see more in the future.
Regarding Maurice's traffic story, how about a glove that makes it look like I'm waving hello at the guy who just cut me off (no matter how many fingers I may be extending)?
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I have had my helmet firmly in place for years and I think I will probably live longer because of it. For example the other day a guy cut me off in traffic. My helmet reinterpreted the information to be that I now have a car in front of me to protect me from accidents or tickets.
When my wife told me she was having an affair my helmet translated that as "I love you so much I am willing to let you golf all you want".
When people on BC make racially offensive comments my helmet tells me to quit screwing around online and get back to work.