[Mabel is gesturing furiously at the other cell phone.]

PRES [loud and authoritative]: Uh, okay then, Billy Bob. Keep up the good work, and please keep me posted. I want reports at 18-second intervals. I'll do a fake-surrender with Bin Laden and stall him, until Jack can track him down and beat the shit out of him too.

[Mabel continues to gesture furiously at the other cell phone.]

BILLY BOB: Mr. President, we're pretty busy at this end as well, but I will be sure to keep you posted.

PRES: Er, okay, then. Give me that.

[CUT TO Mabel pulling at her hair and stalking out of the Situation Room as President fiddles with wire to connect this cell phone to the speaker after detaching the other cell phone from it.]

PRES: Hello, Mr. Bin Laden? Uh, yes, we are prepared to meet your terms. But you need to give me an hour or two to prepare my people for the conversion to an Islamo-Fascist Dictatorship. Can you live with that? And then I'm sure we can arrange a smooth transfer of power...uh...hello? Mr. Bin Laden?

VOICE OF BIN LADEN: Yes. I hear you. Yes. I heard you before. I heard everything. The line was open, you unwashed infidel. Reception is bad out here so I told your assistant not to put me on hold. It is all very enlightening, your deceptive Western dog ways. Well, obviously there is no deal. I do not accept your surrender. Ptui, I spit on your weak stratagem. And there is no way that Bauer can reach us in time. By the time I hang up this phone, Mr. Western Dog President, everything will be in motion. By morning, the security procedures at your airports will be more cumbersome and obtuse than ever. Praise Allah! Okbah, Hockbah, Doobah Labbah Ding Dong! [Click.]

PRES: Wait, I--did we get a trace?

[SPLIT SCREEN of Secretary of Defense eyeing Secretary of State, and Secretary of State eyeing Secretary of Defense.]

SECRETARY OF DEFENSE [in somber and gravelly tones]: Uh, did you want us to trace the call, Mr. President...?

PRES: We're doomed.

[300-MILLION-WAY SPLIT SCREEN of all Americans and resident aliens around the country. Their concerns, life stories and conflicts are written on their faces.

[CUT TO Jack Bauer drop-kicking his 70-year-old Mom.]

MOM: Oof!

BAUER: WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! Just tell me, Mom, where's that guy you bumped into at the supermarket who knows the guy who knows the guy who overheard something about the current location of bin Laden??? NOW!!!!

MOM: Urp!

3...2...1

David M. Brown is the publisher of TheWebzine.com, and recently posted at Laissez Faire Books blog about the Yahoos at Yahoo, the latest re jailed pot-dissident Steve Kubby, and the real reason the Lost Liberty Hotel ballot measure didn't make it to the ballot in Weare, NH.
Edited: [GH]