Dear Craig,

Welcome back, you cheeky wee monkey! That day off did wonders for you after Monday night's show. Fine form, yes indeed. And you got a standing ovation when you came out for the monologue.

So, there I was, all covered in scented oils, shaved strategically, and waiting for the next "great day in America" topic. I was ready.

The great day? Oscar nominations. You summed it up best when you said, "I don't give a rat's ass." Your theory behind the nomination of George Clooney was based on facial hair. According to you, the only way to get the nom if you're a man is to get a beard. Apparently, that should qualify Tom Cruise each and every year, but well, you set that joke up so much better than I ever could. That's why you get paid the big bucks.

Right after the Oscar nominations are announced, the Razzies announce their nominees. Fair enough. Dukes of Hazzard and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo were both nominated as the worst movies of 2005. I didn't even have to see either movie to have predicted that. Halle Berry won a Razzie last year for Catwoman, you noted, but she turned up with her Oscar to accept the golden fruit. Now that's classy!

Sketch: Sean Connery's This Day in History - In 1973, Sean Connery was climbing Mt. Fuji and got his arm stuck in a crevasse. There was only one thing he could do - cut it off. [Said arm is holding a drink.] It grew back.

Sketch 2: Following the State of the Union Address (during which the President said we, as a nation, are addicted to oil), the Democrats rebutted via Rep. Howell Thurston, who guzzled the black gold; Texas tea; oil, that is, like it was going out of style. Disgusting and funny all at once. Remind me not to use balsamic dressing anymore. That's all I could think of when I saw that.

First guest: James Woods (E.R., 2-2-06) came out and was the goofiest I've ever seen him. I rather enjoyed it. Playful, loose, and yes, even a bit cheeky. It was perfect, until the time he said you were a bit stupid. He said it with love, but still...

One of my favorite James Woods' movies is The Ghosts of Mississippi, which was absolutely fantastic! Another was 1989's True Believer. That may have been the last scary movie I ever willingly watched. My younger sister and I stayed up late to watch it while our parents were out of town. We both got so freaked out that we ended up huddled together on the sofa, wide-eyed, and looking for anything else on TV that might distract us from the heebie-jeebies.

Back to the show. Slightly manic, Woods rambled and gestured his way through the interview. I don't ever recall him being quite so animated, not even when he was on Rolie Polie Olie as Gloomius Maximus. Oh, shush. It's a sweet show and I have kids. I'm allowed.