Eyebrow Gate
Published January 31, 2006
Since 1966 the State of the Union address has been followed by a speech from the party opposing the President's.
This year, Tim Kaine the Democratic Governor of Virginia drew the short straw. The message of his rebuttal was that there is a better way. While the speech drew high marks from Newt Gingrich, Kaine merely dug deeper the partisan trench that separates American politics. There may be a better way but Democrats are still at loss to show us that way. The nay saying and fault finding so complicit in the Democrat message is just that and nothing more.
There also had to be a better person to deliver the message. The Democrats are armed with a coterie of intelligent and polished representatives that seem to get no face time. Where is Obama? Where is Hilary? Why Kaine and his crazy Eyebrow? At the risk of being called shallow, that Eyebrow was off the hook. It was going rogue faster than Ted Kennedy in, well, almost any situation. I've never felt like I was being so seduced by a political speech as I did when Kaine's Eyebrow wiggled with reckless abandon. And there is a special level of hell that I was roped into by giggling when he mentioned the sacrifices of Americans. But honestly, his Eyebrow was shaking like a Polaroid picture. And it didn't help that my ardently Republican husband put his hand up on the television screen to show me Kaine's good side and the the bad Eyebrow side.
The Eyebrow was crazier than Dean at the caucuses and look at where craziness got him. So maybe in a few years we could see Kaine's Eyebrow running for the Presidency. It is America after all.
Yet, if American Idol has taught us anything it's that if you want to get anywhere you have to meld image with talent. So why is it so hard for the Democrats to learn this lesson? Why promote the William Hungs of politics to such public positions?
Or maybe there is a secret power to the Eyebrow we don't realize. Maybe the Eyebrow is here to lead us to the 'better way' Kaine spoke of. Only time will tell, since it will take more than an Eyebrow to bring the Democrats down this next election. Even if the Eyebrow lit a kitten on fire on Christmas Eve, it would seem the Democrats have public opinion in the bag and the Republicans have the rogue Eyebrow of Jack Abramoff and others to thank for that.
But in closing I have one question I want America to consider: How can Democrats control the country when they can't control the Eyebrow?
- Eyebrow Gate
- Published: January 31, 2006
- Type: Satire
- Section: Politics
- Writer: Lyz Baranowski
- Lyz Baranowski's BC Writer page
- Lyz Baranowski's personal site
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Ok, I've seen it now. Someone at the DNC should have paid a hundred bucks to get that man a shot of botox in the eyebrow before he went on the air. Then his eyebrow would match his incredibly dull speaking style by staying still.
Dave
I'm glad you didn't have eyebrow nighmares because I sure did.
That eyebrow is going to get us, I don't know how or when but it will. Mark my words.
While America is at stake due to the outrageous amount of lies we have been told, a broken economy, unsecured borders, and so on.... We seem to be more concerned with an eyebrow movement than with the substance of both The State of the Union speech and the answer by the Democrats. Hence the terrorists are still making fun of us here in America.
Those who make fun of eyebrows do so because they can't afford close inspection of their abuse of items of substance, JS.
In this case, tho, I suspect it's because not many of the congressional, nationally-known Dems have much more credibility than those they criticize, so they picked Warner.
'Scuse me. I meant Kaine. All these governors look alike after awhile.
Or we choose to make fun of eyebrows because it's hilarious.
And since the substance of the speech was the usual "yadda yadda Bush is leading the country to hell" rhetoric the Eyebrow was much more interesting. It spoke to me. It said, "Welfare reform, eh? Think about it. Come on. Eh? Eh?"
Plus, what I wrote is satire, not to be confused with potent political commentary and substance.
You nailed it as the "short straw". It's an impossible speech. You have to respond to the State of the Union speech, given in a majestic hall filled with heroes and leaders applauding. But your response is one-on-one with a camera. You can't respond to the specifics of the president's speech, because your rebuttal has been written in advance. And worst of all, everyone knows it's a lose-lose situation, so the prominent party members avoid doing it. They appoint an up-and-comer, who wants the national exposure, and doesn't have the clout to turn it down. Then he goes on TV and destroys himself.
I can only say this: Tim Kaine at least wasn't as scary as Bush. Beyond that, egad, the Democrat response was awful.
If we couldn't laugh at the eyebrow we'd have to weep at the ridiculous shit which Kaine was spewing.
Dave
Dave,
Amen. Besides where would politics be without mean spirited jabs?
This is why nobody trusts the Democrats anymore. They used to be able to take a stand on the eyebrow issue. Look at Dukakis. I didn't agree with his eyebrows, but I respected them. But then with Gephardt, I had the feeling that the Democrats were trying to hide their eyebrows. You couldn't pin them down on anything; it was like they weren't even there. Now the Democratic eyebrows are just doing stunts. They change their positions so often that you wonder, is there anything behind them?
Baronius: The words you speak are true. I would also like to add that the eyebrows of the Democrats today are still under the shadow of Clinton's pants. Why else would the Eyebrow wiggle so suggestively at the promise of welfare reform? I ask you, why else?
Matthew: I think that is the inspirational message we should all take from this. Don't be rogue eyebrows going up and down, wandering, free and independent, we should be united together. We should be like Frida. Her eyebrows are eyebrows for emulation.
What does it say that Hillary Clinton plucks her eyebrows? Nothing good for the country, I bet.
Dave
She plucks? That's eyebrow genocide!
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Great job, Lyz. This is about the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I'm just starting to watch the State of the Union on my DVR and now I'm half afraid to watch the rebuttal afterwards for fear I'll have eyebrow nightmares.
Dave