i have 3 kids (12, 19, and 20)...
the 19 yr old is highstrung...she's as creative, intelligent, and funny as she is volatile...
she's the reason i dismissed almost all of my guilt about needing that precious "me" time...
i would've gotten there eventually with the other two...
every mother needs time off and away...and you're absolutely right that a rested mother is a better mother...
your daughter doesn't want you to leave and yet just watches tv because she's not necessarily looking for your company, she's looking for the security of your presence...that, and how can she ask dad about a lipstick she saw on tv or if this shirt looks good with those shoes? even if he has an opinion, it's not mom's opinion...dread not, you will return and she can ask you then, and nothing tragic will befall her before you get there...

some women can do it full time and a half without a day off, but that's not me and that's not most mothers...if i didn't do anything for me, i would lose my mind and shortly thereafter, my children...they would come and take me away for sure...

the guilt is there to make sure you don't neglect your child, and as long as you're not doing that, the guilt has no purpose...it's not the guilt's job to make itself go away, that's your job...it's not easy sometimes, but do it anyway...yours is an unearned guilt (as opposed to earned guilt which comes from having actually done something wrong)...
that the guilt shows up when you leave is a normal part of mothering...to hang on to it is not...
you're doing fine...you take those breaks, you spend that time, and you try to do something productive with your guilt -- like ignore it...if that gets sticky, assure yourself by remembering the time you spend with your child, what you do when you're together, how she carries herself, how she's doing in school, how she interacts with others, etc...if she's fine, you're good to go; now go!

After about 20 or 30 years of parenting my own children I started to realize what good people my parents were.

I'm a mother of 3 (3, 8 and 10) and I feel the same way, A.L......

I love my children, and I love my husband, happily married for almost 12 years, but when I look back at the past 10-11 years or so, there is a large block of time I don't even remember. I call it the "silent 5"...the five years between ages 22 and 27 where I rememebr DOING stuff, I remember giving birth twice, buying a house, raising and loving my kids, first days at school , teaching them to ride a bike, etc... but I don't remember ME during that time. My family was there--my husband, my kids, time certainly passed, but I was missing. I let myself--my needs, my desires, my dreams--fall to the way-side.

Then on my 27th birthday I woke up suddenly very depressed, and I immediately set out on a quest of self discovery. Then over the next few years, I slowly began to regain myself, and take more time for me. Yes, the guilt was ever-present, as I spent time pursuing my own dreams and interests, but then I noticed my children were happier--Mommy wasnt yelling all the time....my husband was happier---Wifey wasn't nagging all the time. And I was happier too.

It's so important that we, as mothers, as wives, as women take time for ourselves. We can still take wonderful care of our families without losing ourselves. And our families are better off because of it.

Good post. Food for thought.

I'm going to think on this and come back later.

A.L., I think you are doing exactly the right thing, and if you're just takign action now on "me time" after 12 years, I'd say you're a flipping saint. Everyone needs time to themselves, period. Very nice story, thanks and welcome!

Diana -

Thank you for your thoughts! It's nice to know that it gets better and easier. And I do enjoy my me time. I'll try to put that guilt behind me. And maybe leave a little more food in those dishes too.

Chantal -

I'm glad to hear you're getting out there.

Eric -

*Polishes Halo* Yeah well....

Did I tell you that Eric is my little brothers name. Good name that!

Just remember that your little girl wants you now-are the coffee girls worth it? Listening
to you, I realize what a saint my mom is. She's
a writer, did the group thing too (but not the
fitness)-but I never had to ask for her time.
Make sure you're available.

Rach -

Of course if she needs me I'm here and it's not about my coffee clatch (although who said it was girls?) it's about my sanity.

ah, I knew yours was a good family! No Erics have ever fought a war against each other, or was that deomocracies? Nonetheless ...

Rach - It does sound like A.L. is available as much as she can be. And sometimes our kids might want us, and they can't have us. That's surely not the end of the world. It's the real world. It's not healthy to be there 24/7 for our kids. Not for them, and not for us.

Not that children should ever feel real abandonment, though sadly so many do. For as many times as I personally feel guilty about my parenting skills - I hear some crazy news report about neglected children - and then realize maybe some things I'm doing OK with.

Just the mere fact you're thinking about these questions and issues and wrestling with these problems demonstrates how much caring and intensity you put into your job as a mother. And that's more than most mothers.
So no, A.L., you are not a bad mother.

You're only a bad mother if you take parenting advice from Hillary Clinton.

And Ted Kennedy, right Bing?

of course, Bing, Chelsea isn't near the model child the Bush girls are....hiccup!

what the hell does this have to do with politics, bing? i'm only here for you.

Well considering Hillary's past statements like "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies," and her touting of the public school system while she sent her only daughter to private school I'd say Hillary is not your average Mom.

Not to mention the fact that for the majority of Chelsea's life Hillary has lived in either the governor's mansion in Arkansas or the white house where she had staff who did all of the things that most ordinary moms do like cook dinner and do housework.

Also Hillary stayed with a cheating husband who obviously had no respect for her just so she could ride his political coattails and she is heralded as a female rolde model for young women by the left?

Give me a break.

This hag isn't fooling anyone but those on the far left and she will never get elected if she runs in 2008.

Not to mention the fact that for the majority of Chelsea's life Hillary has lived in either the governor's mansion in Arkansas or the white house where she had staff who did all of the things that most ordinary moms do like cook dinner and do housework.

And the Bush girls lived in the governor's mansion or the White House for at least as long.

Hillary isn't fooling anyone but those on the far left and she will never get elected if she runs in 2008.

Of course she won't get elected if she is nominated. The far left does not support her, she is too centrist.

Bing -

I'm not sure what you think your conservative political views have to do with my "mother guilt" and I don't really care, I do however have a couple things to say. After reading your comment:

"Not to mention the fact that for the majority of Chelsea's life Hillary has lived in either the governor's mansion in Arkansas or the white house where she had staff who did all of the things that most ordinary moms do like cook dinner and do housework."

It's obvious that you don't actually have a mother, if you think that's all they do. I also doubt you are a parent so I would be more likely to take parenting tips from Michael Jackson than someone as clueless you are.

"Also Hillary stayed with a cheating husband who obviously had no respect for her just so she could ride his political coattails and she is heralded as a female role model for young women by the left?"

At least he likes women - which by the condescending and malicious tone of your comments - it's obvious you don't.

By the way I corrected your spelling errors.

Scott Butki and Mary K -

Thank you for the support and understanding. It really helps to know that others know and understand what it is I'm feeling. And I am feeling better just knowing that I am not alone in my "mummy guilt".

Harper

I know that's not all that moms do. The point is that Hillary has a very condescending attitude toward the average mother.

Remember the "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had tea" remark? Apparently Hillary thinks that she is better than any woman who has chosen to not work but rather stay home with her children. Can you get more demeaning?

I like women I just don't like liberal hypocritical women like Hillary and the left. When Clarence Thoma was nominated Anita Hill came foward and accused him of sexual harassment and all the militant feminist left wing groups came out to bash Thomas and support Hill. They said "women never lie about sex."

However when the slew of women came foward years later to accuse Bill Clinton of sexual harassment these grups did not support these women but rather did everything they could to paint these women as liars. See the hypocrisy?

Just because I'm not a woman does not mean I'm not allowed to have an opinion. most of these so called left leaning women's rights groupsa re actually just mouthpieces of the far left as they will attack any woman who does not share thier sociopolitical views.


You yourself Harper stick up for that letch Bill Clinton. You're no better than them. Is that what you want to tell your daughters if they date an abusive man who cheats on them? "Well you should stick with him despite the fact that he has no respect for you because he has a good creer and you might be able to further your career with him like Hillary did with Bill."

Bing -

Spelling dearest.

Sorry, I imagined that you were going out with girls. Your coffee clatch is with guys? Maybe it's a mixed group of tattooed friends... will you be on INKED soon? Just teasing...
I think you want someone to lift off the guilt. Why do you think you feel guilty? Could you cut back at work and spend a little more time with her? Maybe your husband could work more to take the burden off you. You know what could work and what is important. My husband and I discussed this. Most kids aren't saying they need Mom-they are seeking independance. Spend more time with her.

In a year maybe she'll ASK you to go to coffee!

Bing, have you ever known the touch of a woman??

A.L., unless you want to be a martyr, taking time for yourself is the only way to go. Parenthood is relentless, as it is. It is more so these days when most families live in nuclear units and so have less adult social interaction than previous generations did. Making some time for yourself is a great way to recharge your batteries and actually be a better mother than you would otherwise be. So go on, enjoy your time, guilt-free.

Rach -

Well I obviously go out to coffee with a group of mean, nasty, heavily tattooed, drug dealing bikers. Why would I want to have coffee with a bunch of boring "ladies" *smile*.

My daughter has everything she NEEDS from me. What she WANTS is a different matter and at her age what she wants can change moment to moment. What she wants has very little to do with what's good for her or what's right for her. And it certainly doesn't have anything to do with me, she doesn't want to spend more time with me she just doesn't want me to have interests other than her. It's more that she needs me like a crutch or a plaything or just to be there in case she wants something (like a servant). It's important NOT to give your kids everything they want. They will grow up expecting that from everyone. And if you're really over indulgent your child could end up egocentric and emotionally dependant. No one wants that. It's a fine line and it's vitally important that you get it right.

I spend every evening with her and my husband and all weekend except for an hour or two on a Sunday afternoon. She has my full love and attention and just wants me to leave her alone then. It's only when I am about to leave for coffee that she complains.

Ultimately she needs to learn to depend on herself. She is in High School next year.

I think you want someone to lift off the guilt. Why do you think you feel guilty? Could you cut back at work and spend a little more time with her? Maybe your husband could work more to take the burden off you. You know what could work and what is important. My husband and I discussed this. Most kids aren't saying they need Mom-they are seeking independance. Spend more time with her.

Rach-
Seriously, cut AL some slack! Her husband IS helping her, she already said that in her post. Sounds like she already spends plenty of time with her daughter. AL was just making a point that her daughter sometimes gives her a little 'grief' for wanting to do something w/o her - or away from her. Kids do that.
Don't you feel like you need a break from your kids sometimes?

Thank you for the encouragement.

The more I think about it and the more comments I read the less alone and guilty I feel. It's nice to know that it is a very normal part of the evolution of my parenting.

And we have recently had a break through. Last night when I needed to go to a friend in need she only wanted to make sure that it would be me and not her daddy (who's idea of dinner is generally all the leftover's he can find fried in a pan with a tin of corned beef *shutter* in Scotland it's called "Stovies") who would be cooking dinner. It was very nice to feel like I could be there for my friend and not feel divided by that "mummy guilt".

So there is hope yet!

I know I need a break from mine....and not because I'm a bad mother, but because I'm a good one. Because when I am with them they get my 100% full attention. Because dedicating so much of yourself to another human being (or 3) is very draining. So taking a break from your children is a GOOD thing, a necessary thing.

Mary K -

Thank you!

I think for someone who either doesn't have kids yet or they are still very young and it can be hard to imagine a time when you won't want to be involved with every tiny aspect of their time. I remember when it was like that for me. Then one day you wake up and think "What the hell happened here! Last I looked in the mirror I was 25!" Then you begin to remember that you had goals and interests and although they aren't as important to you as they once were they do still matter because you still matter as a person not just "THE MOTHER". It's easy to feel like you don't when all anyone seems to want from you is dinner, clean laundry, taxi service or sex (ok that last one isn't really an issue for me but I know it is for some women.)

Chantal -

Absolutely!

AL -
You're welcome! I think Rach has good intentions, but I think in a way it was like preaching to the choir, you seem to have a good grip on what's important. Still you want some validation for these things, about the guilt, which means you take it all seriously.

Mary K -

I'm trying. It's sounds like you have given this some serious thought as well.

It's sounds like you have given this some serious thought as well

Hellyeah! I could go on and on, and I will try not to. : )
I know there are things I can be doing better, and I don't just mean giving a nutritional snack EVERY time, or remembering the sunblock EVERY time. Sure I screw up on those things, and not to make light of them, but there are other more important things that I would like to do better at. Temper control, not making them do more things for themselves, stuff like that.

But I do feel reassured when almost every school meeting, for both kids (almost 11 and 17) I get the same thing from the teachers - "what a nice child". And then I look around, wondering who they are talking to. LOL. OK so they can behave outside the home, us looking over their shoulder. Wish they could spread the love around a little more at home, but I guess by all acounts I consider that lucky.

As far as Me Time - I was lucky to be able to stop 'working outside the home' when I was pregnant w/the younger one, and havnt looked back. Got real busy doing more and more Mom stuff, and that was fine. And as they both were school age, I was in heaven! Wow, what do I do w/all this time!
Fast forward a few years, and now freelance writing, and it's not easy, mostly because I still feel guilty. Funny huh. But its getting better.

Noone wants guilt. Why is it there though? If your daughter is complaining about this, you need to talk about it. If she doesn't know how to make a simple dinner or a snack, then she should learn. If your daughter is lazy, that is one thing. But could there be another reason she wants you home?

BTW, I'm all for moms getting to fitness class and having some outside interests. My point: If she is complaining, get to the root of it.

Mary K -

Couldn't we all do better at the little stuff but like you said that's not really the important stuff. It's the silent stuff. That's what I like to call it that stuff that you only notice when you're really on the ball. That's the stuff that matters. My husband and I have been able to see and deal with that so far. I don't think we're terrible parents, but you always think your parenting skills are lacking when compared to what your child deserves.

It's getting better for my daughter. She seems to be becoming much more confident and self reliant recently. I hope that is a result of my own bid for independence but is more likely to be her age and maturity level.

It's nice to know that it does get better. It is also very comforting to know that so many others understand what it's like, how I feel. Makes me feel positively normal.

Rach -

I really appreciate that you are that concerned for my little girl's welfare. Thank you.

My point - she isn't complaining because there's a problem she's complaining because she thinks her parents should be there at her beck and call like all children. It is simply that I'm not there at every moment to wait on her hand and foot. She isn't lazy she can make her own snacks if need be but she doesn't need to. I am spending only an hour a day at the gym (which I go to first thing in the morning - 6.00am), and a couple of hours most Sundays at the coffee shop. I haven't abandoned her.

And I would like it noted - my husband is here when I'm not. SHE IS NEVER ALONE. She is only 12 and that is illegal in Scotland. You can't leave a child alone here until they are 13.

i think you know that youre not being a bad mother. it seems to me that youre looking for some support about what youre doing and I think thats ok too.
you feel guilt because its bred (and possibly hardwired) into us as women and mothers. ever heard of "mothers guilt"? its there for a reason and its real. probably an evolutionary measure made to keep us from abandoning our children-and as you can attest, it works! (in most cases anyway) so lighten up and have a good time--you are being an excellent role model for your daughter. If she sees her liberated and satisfied mom having a good, fun and fullfilling life, she will be more than likely to follow suit and have one herself, and what more could we possibly want for our children than that?

Brink -

"I think you know that you're not being a bad mother. it seems to me that you're looking for some support about what you're doing and I think that's ok too."

I like to think I'm not a bad mother but I'm never sure. It seems the more I go on the less sure I am that I can handle what lies ahead. But I also don't think that anyone is ever sure.

"you are being an excellent role model for your daughter. If she sees her liberated and satisfied mom having a good, fun and fulfilling life, she will be more than likely to follow suit and have one herself, and what more could we possibly want for our children than that?"

I hadn't really thought of it that way. But now that you have pointed it I see how right you are. I wouldn't want my daughter to ever feel like I have been feeling. I could actually be helping her in the long run. Wow!

Stop worrying, A.L., you're doing fine - and even better now that you can broaden your horizons. Good for you.

This story has been chosen as an Editors' Pick of the Week. You now have the grave yet giddy honor of selecting a story for next week's best of column if you like (time frame 2/1 - 2/7). Simply leave the title, URL, and a brief description of why you dig it on this week's post (link above).

Congrats!!

Christopher

Thanks mate!

You know it has surprised me how many men seem to understand what I am feeling too. Maybe "mummy guilt" is more "parent guilt". Do men feel the same guilt when they want a little me time away from their kids?

Makes me wonder.

Eric -

Wow! I'm honored! Oh god now my all verklmpt!

I'll do my best to pick an excellent story.

You're an excellent mother! You've found balance between personal and parenting needs.

Our children, while precious gifts, have the ability to drain us. We need to re-energize somehow.

As well, it's important that parents are seen as self-actualized beings, capable of caring for ourselves, setting an example for our children.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You've done exactly what more parents should do!

Read it again and still think you sound like a good mother.

"Do men feel the same guilt when they want a little me time away from their kids?"

To me, the only guilt some men would have is if he hasn't done enough for them, or doesn't even care for them. I'm talking about those who would totally abuse their wife/girlfriend, who goes out drinking and partying with the boys and forgets about the family back home. The kind of man who only cares for himself and leaves the family to fend for themselves. Only after it's too late, will he realize his mistakes.

Raising a family is a two-party deal... a mother and a father. Two people who would instill much wisdom and knowledge that would develop their children's minds as they grow into adulthood, to teach them how to become respectable and responsible adults later in life.

Sometimes a couple needs to have time to themselves when raising a family, to go out and do things as a couple just to balance out their lives. And sometimes, a couple may just need time away from each other, to recoop their mental well being.

In short, no... you are not a bad mother for wanting to do the things you want to do. Your daughter is getting older, and soon, she will be hanging with her friends and doing things that teenagers normally do. When that happens, you will definitely have more time to do all of things you really want to do. She'll still need you at times, but probably not as often as she did when she was younger.

So enjoy yourself a little at a time at first, because you'll have a lot of time later on.

Thanks Trooper!

You're welcome, A.L.

Time to partee and get down!!!!!

*** dances to disco music in angel flight clothing, does the john travolta split, and... ooops! ***

Hi- I cried when I read your article , I am in the same boat as you are , well kinda! I have 2 wonderful boys and I am a caring , loving , affectionate mother and they are wonderful children that i love dearly and they are boys , my boys fight and argue all the time , however I am a tired mother. I know that I work to much , part of this is to help my mother with her stuff since she is older and is retired .I do wish to have a day off , I work 7 days a week between 65-70 hrs and on top of that I need to take care of our boys , taking them to baseball practices, swimming lessons , laudry ,cooking, homework and the nagging of my husband complaining that I am " too tired " to make love. I have exploded the other night and I scream and yield at the boys( 10 and 8 ) .. I was scared at myself because my voice was like a mean mother , like a bad mother, I was surprided on how this loving mother could turn in to this devil, I turned in to a monster.. that night and the night after and the one after that I cried myself to sleep , because I found a paper in my youngest son's dresser, that said: "I love dad, I hate mom"..so you can just imagine....
I do not have time to go out with friends , not even with the neighbors ,or the gym which I love to go and I have a membership ,If i ever go to a bar with a good friend of mine my husband gets jealous of my going thinking that someone might hit on me , and he is worry , so to not create more caos I just stay at the house I just go to work and from working outside the home I go to work at home ( I call it home "hell home ) I go to bed tired and I wake up tired. My husband keeps on telling me that I need to be in some type of medication because he thinks I am bipolar, becuase of my mood swings .. I do wish to go home and rest for at least 15 minutes , I know this is not much but I would love ot get 15 minutes for me ..only ME ....or be able to watch TV...without any interruptions...since I do not watch TV at all...I wonder how come people ( at work )talk about all this new shows on TV and I can not imagine at what time or when I would be able to watch TV...I am only 33....