The Official White Stripes Nation Enemies List: Up Against the Wall, Mariah Carey!
Published January 05, 2006
LM: You know it's CHRIS Martin. You're slandering poor Ricky Martin. Even he doesn't deserve comparison to this faux artist. Ought to make him listen to some Fiona Apple.
GA: Yeah, she might could learn him how to make some artsy ROCK on a piano without being such a pussy.
LM: Perhaps in White Stripes Nation Chris Martin will generously be allowed to live, working as Elton John's piano tuner.
GA: That's better than he deserves, but ok, oh merciful Monkey.
Garth Brooks
GA: The "anti-Hank" as the blessed Kinky Friedman has called Garth, has done more to destroy the very concept of country music than any one other person. He's just that awful. It pains me to know that Garth Brooks is some people's idea of what country music is about.
20 years of hard labor picking cotton would serve him right. That might soften him up to actually get all those Johnny Cash records that he's going to be listening to instead of frickin' crappy Kiss.
LM: Also, every time some drunken asshole starts moaning away about his friends in low places, Garth Brooks should be slapped like the bitch he is.
GA: Seems only fair.
Bob Geldof
GA: First off, this is about MUSIC, not ridiculous cheap posturing like you're Jesus of Nazareth. Sumbitch KNOWS better. Listen to The Fine Art of Surfacing. That was some worthy pop music. Now he wants to think that he's not only a great spiritual leader, but a global power broker negotiating with world governments.
In White Stripes Nation, Geldof will be doing community service performing in a clown outfit for children's birthday parties, like Homey the Clown. A suitable soundtrack for this service will doubtless contain a lot of class Coasters records, particularly "Charlie Brown."
Ashlee and Jessica Simpson
LM: Melt them down for experimentation. We need to find a way to recycle plastic anyway, right?
DJR: If we don't melt them down, which would actually be fun to watch, we could force them to spend the rest of their lives working at a soup kitchen (wearing clothes, mind you) or some such shelter. They got a lot of money for doing very little to better the cause of humanity. Let us balance the scales requiring them to do much for humanity and receiving nothing monetarily in return.
GA: Besides any musical considerations, I'll just say that Jessica Simpson isn't fit to fill Catherine Bach's Daisy Dukes.
Pretty Ricky
GA: Look, Pretty Ricky sucks real bad as any kind of music. But it's so much more aggravated than merely sucking. They just do not sound very gentlemanly AT ALL.
![Sly & the Family Stone - Greatest Hits [Epic]](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51UdCeVF3WL._SY90_.jpg "Sly & the Family Stone - Greatest Hits [Epic]")
- The Official White Stripes Nation Enemies List: Up Against the Wall, Mariah Carey!
- Published: January 05, 2006
- Type: Opinion
- Section: Music
- Part of a feature: White Stripes Nation
- Writer: monkey2man
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Come on now...no scarves on mic stands? What's Tyler gonna do now??? I know he doesn't hide pills in them anymore...but he still ties them aroundthe stand...
Hilarious!
We the people will strike back against the false gods of Totally Weak Songs and their evil minions.
Fun, freedom and the 21st Century will effortlessly combine to loosen the starched shirts and skirts of the fraudulent state and allow the people to rise up out of the valley of darkness and into the golden sunlight of hope. Or something.
Now where's that lameass album you made me promise to listen to?
Even those who have yet to endorse The Revolution have to admit the world will be a better place once The Enemies have been dealt with.
i'd have more to say but i'm currently listening to a Shania Twain cd.
White Stripes are marginal at best. If you two were 14 years old this type of "writing" might be expected, but you're not. It was a funny bit back when you posted your first article. It is tired now. Please stop.
I'm purifyin' both our souls, Saleski. Santa arrived a bit late today in the form of bringing me my last Christmas present of 2005: my Chuck Berry Chess Box Set arrived today and it's restoring the soul.
Repent, sinner Saleski that ye might be forgiven.
At least you didn't tell me you were listening to Mariah. That counts. For something.
don't like cookie cutter "r & b".
though apparently i can take a little cookie cutter "country".
oh well.
Would that then make White Stripes cookie-cutter alternative rock, Saleski? :)
Listen to Get Behind Me Satan and identify the cutter that cut that cookie. I don't think so.
heh. nah, of course not.
hell, "alternative rock" is a sorta meaningless term anyway.
i'll have more to say after i'm done listening to Love. Angel. Music. Baby.
I agree "alternative rock" is a meaningless term.
Damnation, Saleski! I even gave you a Christmas present this year. =)
Sorry DJR, I took one listen to GBMS, totally dug "Blue Orchid" but couldn't care for the rest. I loved Elephant but GBMS didn't follow up well for me. I consider it a chocolate chip cookie with just one chip.
i should post: 10 cd's that i own and should be embarrased about but i'm not because i don't give a hooey about indie cred.
Sahm, I agree that Elephant is a better album. I was just making the point that GBMS is far from a cookie cutter album. TWS and Fiona Apple used sounds and song structures that just do not appear in popular music these days. I think Jack took an adventurous path rather than re-making Elephant or White Blood Cells and I think he made a really good album.
As to Mark... hey, we all have so-called "Guilty Pleasures." I don't care about indie cred. I just... well... there is some stuff out there I think is rubbish is all. But that would be a fun "FML" column.
Mr Saleski: If you're digging on L.A.M.B., you are one of the groovy fuckers round here! Any chance you'll help me free the people from the false prophets of the Wasp Streaks Nerds White Stripes Nation?
dunno...i have to admit that i'm a little ascared of the general.
he's got "that look" in his eye.
i used to feel the same way about the DJ, until i found out he dropped his own freaking ipod in a poo-filled toilet.
no longer scary.
Don't worry about the Generalissimo, Mark, it's that magnificent monkeygirl I'm scared of! And the DJ dude is still scary too, pimped up pooped up ipod or not!
As for the lazily titled TWS album, I haven't received my copy yet but, based on the little I've heard of it, I'd imagine their cookie cutter was based upon the lyrical insight of Crosby Stills and Nash' "Our House" overlaid on some music found left in the washroom by the guys who failed the auditions for Captain Beefheart's Magic Band. Now there's one of the true greats of American culture!
Alrighty Alienboy. Playtime's over. We'll have none of your deviated preversions in White Stripes Nation. Gwen Stefani? Are you out yo damned mind?
However, playing with even marginal associates of Cap'n Beefheart's illustrious Magic Band might be worthwhile. Though I'm sure that YOU would say that Captain Beefheart is no Gwen Stefani. Pervert.
Mr Saleski, re: "indie cred" Yup, ya got me. I'm picking out what music to tout based on what the cool guys on campus are listening to. That's why I used Amazon listings for Elton John, the Coasters and Alice Cooper.
Respect my authorita!
woa there generalissimo, nobody's accuisin' you of having any truck with indie cred.
though the concept is kinda funny.
Just how do Korn think they're Alice Cooper?!?!? What easy targets you list here. Why no Backstreet Boys or Limp Bizkit? Saving them for your Blind Willy McTell Enemy list? Oh dear, and you forgot Nickelback and Wham also! What a dumb comparison! Don't bother responding because I am done reading this crap thread forever!
Bricklayer, I will certainly grant that Limp Bizkit and absolutely Nickelback belong on any proper enemies list. That was an unfortunate oversight by the management. Apologies.
I cannot believe I forgot Nickelcrap. Those fuckers belong in Camp Mimi for sure.
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Idiotic straw-man posturing. The WS are as corporate as any of these predictable "enemies." JW wears makeup, refuses blurbs, hangs with some super-model - he's as glossy as Frampton. You can't be "outsider" and ubiquitous at the same time. Maybe Neil Hamburger should be your hero.