http://blogcritics.org/ A sinister cabal of superior bloggers on music, books, film, popular culture, politics, and technology - updated continuously. en Copyright 2005-2007 by the authors Wed, 18 Jun 2008 16:46:35 EDT http://backend.userland.com/rss Blogcritics.org custom software http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-727109 Well since my last post in December life sure has changed, some for the better some not. I did finally ask my husband to leave, he did and my life has changed for the better ever since. The reason for my additional post is that from the moment he walked out the door, he has constantly called me and made sexual advances at every opportunity (mostly inappropriate timing) and tells me that now he would give anything to be with me. I just stare at him and shake my head and walk away. I had not slept in the same room with my husband in months and now all of a sudden he is ready to go??? Miraculously his back is now on the mend, his stomach problems are a thing of the past and all of the pain medicine he was taking now is no longer required, he has even taken up downhill mountain biking!! I am stunned, appalled and down right disgusted. How is it possible that now he is back to the sexual dynamo he claimed to be 10 years ago? I am not saying that I would ever be back with him, that is never going to happen but it sure is amazing what the closing of a door can bring. Good luck to you all. 727109@blogcritics.org Wed, 18 Jun 2008 16:46:35 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-704512 To Alljane, Wow, I just read your post and can relate to your situation. Although the roles are reversed as it's my wife who does this to me. I have to admit my situation is not as severe as yours. My wifes indifference to affection is mostly due to hormonal imbalances and health problems. It sounds cruel but looking back at my early and mid 40's I should have seen this train wreck coming and as well should have headed it off. I am mid 50's now and am totally distressed and devastated that my married sex life is over. I have recently discussed my situation with a therapist(waste of money)and was given the stark reality choices. My children are grown and we have grandchildren, the grandchildren keep us together as we enjoy their presence. I recently read a book about people who enjoy success in life, one subject that was widely covered was this, men and women, must chose their mate very carefully. This choice of a mate will have such a profound impact on the chances for success in life it is compared to a life and death situation. Now, I have to admit that we all can be fooled but it was strongly worded to indicate we must choose our mate very very carefully. My wife and I share only the interests of our grandchildren, she has no desire to share in any other common interest or hobby. She is a gambling addict(won't admit it)I love to camp, walk in the woods, and collect antiques. She could care less and reminds me in subtle ways how little she cares, I beg her to walk as it would benefit her, she rejects it. Because of her slowly failing health, addiction and attitude I just tolerate and go on with my life, I have read and been told by the therapist that lack of affection will slowly kill closeness and can be mentally devastating. These posts remind me I'm not alone with all this pain, Best to all of you. 704512@blogcritics.org Sat, 22 Mar 2008 08:41:27 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-702951 I am more compassionate and careful with him than I am with myself. Judging by stories from others in similar circumstances, it's pretty common. Maybe that is part of the "disaffectionated partner syndrome". With so many people going through this we should have a name for it. I am concerned about his mental health and care deeply about what he is going through. I just don't understand it or know what it is really. I have been there for him all these years. Whenever he asked I would drop anything I was doing to help him, pouring over his reports, writing his memos for work, putting his resume together, teaching him how to use technology, encouraging him to reach for more because I truly believed in him. It worked and he became a Vice President of a company with a six figure salary. But he's not proud of his accomplishment, he throws it out there as though it was proof that my pride in him equates only to my appreciation of what his money can provide. I feel that I am closest to the truth when I view his behavior as the abuse that it is, but every molecule in my being wants to deny that he is capable of such cruelty toward someone who loves him. I have been considering the idea of just walking out with no explanation at all. Would he really need one? After all he has lived in this hell with me and watched me digress from a beautiful, healthy confident woman to someone who is needy, fearful and so pathetic that I have to pay a massage therapist just to be touched at all. I don't think he would care what my needs are, so to try to put them into words for him would probably be a waste of breath. When I read back over these words I am appalled that I could write them. This is the love of my life I am talking about. My knight in shining armour. I have made him sound like such a jerk. I would give anything just to be able to say that it wasn't the truth. I think about what you said about living life and that it's only too late if we are about to die. What would I say to him if I was about to die? I would probably tell him how much I appreciated him staying married to me all these years and that no matter what, nobody could erase the good times we shared. I wouldn't say that I have suffered for years with a broken heart and a broken spirit. What difference would it make? Perhaps it is best not to say anything at all rather than stumble with words that are destined to miss the mark. 702951@blogcritics.org Sun, 16 Mar 2008 19:00:50 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-702919 from Olencia, the woman in the article at the top of the page: alljane's journal entry reminded me of one I had written before I left my husband. Hope it helps: I don't love him. How could I? There's nothing to love. Sure, there's his paycheck and what he does around the house, and that's wonderful, but a reason to love? We love people, not things. We love people, not deeds. People are not what they do and have. If that were so, we wouldn't loathe gold diggers. What's the difference between those who give but don't take, and those who take but don't give? He doesn't want me to love him. He wants me to love his paycheck. It's like he wants me to have sex with his paycheck. He seems to want me to be desperately in love with what he does rather than who he is. I can't do that because that's gold digging. I am not capable of loving something rather than someone. He's the gold digger – in reverse. He wants to be loved for what he has and does, not for who he is. Is that any less superficial and selfish than what motivates a gold digger? Is that any less exploitive of another human being? Is that treating another person with any less regard than a gold digger does? I say no. I say he's the same as a gold digger. He holds me in the same regard as a gold digger holds her "spouse" – which is to say little if any regard. He is using me to get what he wants, just like a gold digger. He wants to prove that he doesn't need anyone – and he does this by rejecting me over and over. He hasn't quite convinced himself of it yet, which would explain why he still wants me around. He can't prove himself if there's no target to reject. Without me, he can't assert his independence from me. He complains that he is the very thing he's reduced himself to: his paycheck and what he does around the house. I didn't do that to him – he did. Perhaps that's another one of my functions in his life: I give him reason to complain. Without me, whom would he blame? Who would he complain to? He'd be left with himself – and I know he will never take any blame or see himself as the source of his complaint. He sees his paycheck and what he does around the house as primary – and at this point, only. He doesn't see himself as a husband or a lover. I used to see my lover and husband – and secondarily I saw my lover and husband earn a paycheck and do things around the house. He only sees the latter. He places no importance on himself as a husband and he has no use for, much less appreciation for me as his wife. It's no surprise then that he said he loves me because of what I do around the house. He has no use for anything I might do for him or to him. In his mind, if I love him, I clean. If I care for him, I cook. If I value his existence, I do laundry. He has no use for, appreciation of or desire for anything more. As long as what is done is done outside his person (no affection), then he's good to go. That's not regard for me as his wife. That's regard for me as his mother. He bristles at the suggestion and rejects my saying as much outright. I need closeness, physical affection, and a way to express and celebrate how I feel. Unfortunately, the longer he withholds, the less I have to express or celebrate. I now believe he's never felt anything worth expressing and that our marriage, our love, our union is anything worth celebrating. Then there's that: the withholding. We don't withhold from others for no reason; we do it because we don't want someone else to have something. Clearly he doesn't want me to have him. I ask him why, I beg him to tell me why. He never answers. He jumps around talking about money, chores, children, the future, and the past and on and on. He never says, "I don't share my body with you because..." So where does that leave me and what does that say about me? what do we say about those who marry gold diggers? We say they're chumps who can't find true love. I didn't know this kind of person existed. I knew gold diggers existed, but I didn't know people existed who wanted to put things and deeds between themselves and those they professed to love. Honestly, had I known, I wouldn't have said, "I do." Now I do know, so I say "I don't." I feel indifferent toward him – and I now know this is how he would have wanted it from day one, but just like a gold digger, he knew he could never say why he was really doing what he was doing. So now he has what he wanted without ever once having to lift a finger to get it, and I have nothing of what I wanted despite every ounce of energy I dumped into the effort. I am a chump, and I've always been a chump, but now I'm a chump who says, "I don't." I would say, "I hope he's happy now," but I know he isn't. He deserves every unhappy moment in his adult life; he earned it, of his own accord no less. I always wondered what kind of person would dedicate his life to this level of mediocrity, and now I know. 702919@blogcritics.org Sun, 16 Mar 2008 14:20:04 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-702904 alljane, It is gentle and respectful to tell the man you're leaving him because you need more from your life as a woman than he is willing to give. He will not hear it that way, but that doesn't mean it isn't that way. He will hear and feel rejection. You can't control what he hears (no matter what is said) or how he feels (no matter how you say it). It's always interesting to me how compassionate and careful the neglected spouse is with regard to the neglectful spouse - so much regard and consideration for someone who has no regard or consideration for their suffering spouse. Put to him in terms of what you need, you may hear yourself say this (or just read it) and think this is not reason enough to leave. It is, though, because if you read back over what you've written, you can see how many years and how much of your heart has been sacrificed on his behalf. He will only continue to take, and continue to withhold from you. I've heard so many times, "It's never too late." That's only true if you're not about to die - and since we don't know when we will, it could very well be any day now. Life is to be lived; and we mustn't waste a single moment of it on those we know for sure have no interest in what makes us feel alive. Get out now - before it's too late. 702904@blogcritics.org Sun, 16 Mar 2008 13:03:58 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-702850 This is a great forum, I am so glad to have stumbled on to it. First, I had no idea that there are other women and men that share this horrible secret pain that I have carried around with me for so long. Second, if I didn't know better, I would swear that Betty, in one of the earlier posts, is married to exactly the same man that I am. I have been with an emotionless, sex-averse man for 29 years now. We married young, after knowing each other for only 6 months and have had difficulty with sex our entire marriage. Even though our libidos may have been mismatched, I believed that he loved me and that he was trying. We had one son and when our son was 2 years old I wanted another baby. He refused to have sex with me, all the while telling me that he wanted to have more kids too. The problem is, I couldn't get pregnant without having sex. I asked him to see a doctor and he said he would, up to the point where he was expected to produce some semen for the cause. He refused and finally admitted he didn't want any more children. Sex seemed to be the only big problem we had and I felt guilty making too much of it. He was thoughtful, remembering my birthday and our anniversaries, helped around the house, took care of the cars, helped with our son and was an excellent parent, he even used to tell me I was beautiful. He was very affectionate, generous with hugs and touching, sometimes almost childlike, because I knew it was what it was and would not lead to sex. After another decade of infrequent sex (once every 4 to 6 months, if I initiated it) I asked him see a doctor. He was furious, acting like it was an unimaginable imposition and breach of his privacy, and he refused. Then, with the help of a marriage counselor who convinced him that there were good reasons to know why a man has no libido, he went to a specialist who gave him a prescription for Viagra. He was still very angry and refused to use the drug. I have suspected that he might be gay, but he has always been adamant that he is not. Eventually he figured out that using sex to manipulate me was a pretty easy thing to do, so he filled the prescription and then used it when he wanted to dole out enough sex to keep me thinking that things might actually be able to change. He would use it when he wanted to go gambling (he has a gambling addiction) and would offer to take me on a "romantic vacation" (to Vegas, where else?). Then once he had done the deed, would get up out of bed, put his clothes on and go down to the casino for the rest of the night. I would cry myself to sleep and beat myself up for falling for the same old thing, time after time, hoping that each time he really did want to work on our relationship. Until finally I gave him an ultimatim about the gambling. That is when the sex stopped completely. Now, I havent had sex with another human being for a year and a half. It is so hard to admit that. I feel sad that he is satisfied with this life the way it is, because I am not. It is settling for a dysfunctional fraction of what a real marriage could be. I blamed myself and my self esteem dropped to the bottom of a dark pit. I felt that if I wasn't even worthy of his touch, even a hug, I wasn't worth anything and I became very depressed. Gaining weight gave me another logical reason to let him off the hook and blame myself, but in reality the rejection was always there, even when I weighed 105 and looked great in a bikini. Because it wasn't about my body or me, it was his way of manipulating me and punishing me. It was very effective. For awhile I was panicked because I thought I was experiencing heart failure. My chest hurt and I felt like a couldn't breathe. I went to a heart specialist and had a full workup. He told me that my heart was definitely broken, but there was no physical reason for what I was experiencing. At that moment I began to realize how insidious the emotional abuse that I have been enduring for all of these years really is. A marriage which is filled with neglect and withdrawl of love and affection definitely has the power to destroy you. I filed for a divorce because I know now I want more than this, but we are still living together and sleeping in the same bed. I need to find the courage to leave, face my life alone, a life that choose that includes self respect, passionate love and fulfillment. I wish that for him too. After all he was my mate for 29 years and I thought, the love of my life. (now I think I let my "real" soul mate get away years before I met my husband) I want to take back my life, heal my heart, restore my self esteem and find love again, with someone who is capbable of loving me in return. But if I don't find that, at least I will know I did not settle for less than I deserved. I know that I tried to do what I was able, like marriage counseling, patience and prayer. I feel I have given this marriage a fair chance. I have tried everything, from offering to rub his back, inviting him to sit next to me on the couch in front of the fire, even come snuggle with me in bed, but he is not interested. His body goes rigid, he steps away from me in a exaggerated way in order to avoid touching me as we pass in the hall. If I enter the room and he is sitting in a chair, he gets up and goes outside. When I come in, he always finds a reason to go out. When I go out, he is in for the night, too tired to do anything that involves the two of us. He is ultra polite, almost formal. He won't go to the doctor for viagra or to a marriage counselor, claiming it is too expensive. Since he doesn't read, giving him any kind of a self-help book would be a waste of time. After this last stretch, more than a year of sexual neglect I'm starting to just not care anymore. I will pick up the pieces and move on. I asked him why he was so angry with me that he felt the need to inflict all this pain on me. He said it was because "I filed" for divorce. I filed! OK, well that explains everything! How convenient to place the blame on me because I finally couldn't take it anymore. He has told me that he feels like he has become a nothing but a paycheck. If that is true then it is because he chooses to feel that way. He doesn't like to read or take classes and learn anything new. In conversation he can cite what was on the Discovery Channel, but that is the extent of his quest for knowledge. I have included him with my friends from work and school and tried to suggest new ways that we could spend time together as a couple. But, there is always a conflict or an excuse for why he can't get away to watch the sun set, go to a party with me or go out somewhere together or even plan a vacation. Usually he uses work as his excuse. But whenever his brother wants him to get away for the weekend it is arranged immediately, magically no conflicts! One by one every activity we used to do together fell away, and our friends did too. Now all that we have left is eating and watching TV. Half the time we don't even eat together. If he doesn't like what I am watching on TV he goes to another room and watches what he wants in solitude rather than ask if we can watch something together that interests him. He makes it very clear that he prefers to be alone. I was so lonely and isolated that I couldn't bear it another minute, so I started volunteering with a local nonprofit and then went back to school to get my masters degree. At school I found friends and stimulating conversation. I was so busy doing the work that I had much less time to dwell on my dysfunctional marriage. I have been thinking for some time about leaving. A quick peck on the lips in the morning and at bedtime just isn't enough for me. The reality of our marriage came crashing down on me one weekend when he got up before me and went to take a shower. He came back into the bedroom, fully clothed, and opened my eyes. I asked him if he had to go to work and he said no. So I asked him to come back into the bed with me for awhile. He just said no. I said we don't have to have sex, although I really miss making love to you, just come lie down with me and we can hold each other for a little while. He just said no again. The rejection was overwhelming for me and I started to cry. He sat down on the bed and watched me cry with no expression at all on his face. He saw how much he was hurting me and it had no effect on him whatever. After a few minutes, he said flatly "I'm sorry" and got up and walked out of the room. There is no doubt in my mind that he chose to act the way he did. It was a deliberate and hateful act of control to inflict pain and punishment on me. It's not that this is the only time he has blatantly rejected me, this behavior has been going on for almost 3 decades. It was hard for me to hold him and embrace him, to feel his body and not pay attention to how aroused he made me. But at least I got a hug. I have begun to tell myself and my close friends that I have taken a voluntary vow of celebacy or that my husband and I were both asexual. My friends have told me that I was nuts to stay, and I love them but wonder if they really understand what I am dealing with. I thought I could do without the sex and convinced myself that people do all the time. But now it has come to the point of him avoiding other kinds of physical contact, no hugs, no touching, no holding hands. It hurts so profoundly, so deeply in my soul, that I need to get away. It is a pain that is so laden with guilt that it paralyzes you and cuts off your oxygen. I am like a moth to a flame, constantly coming back, attracted to the warmth, and getting burned. If I try to talk to him or (God forbid) send him an email, he gives me the silent treatment for days. As for saying "I love you" it is interesting that he says it all the time, usually over the phone when I can't see his face. I don't believe it anymore. I started to keep a journal to help me process my overwhelming feelings of sadness. Here is what I wrote in February of 2008. How do I put words to the way he rejects me? How do I describe how deeply it cuts? My blood should be drained by now! Why do I keep going back for more pain and humiliation? What the hell is wrong with me? God help me. I miss holding him, feeling his arms around me. It's not even the penetration I care about. It's the holding, the kissing the caressing. He said goodnight like every other night with the lightest touch to the lips as he handed me the remote and bent next to my chair. It's the same thing every night. "I'll get the bed warmed up," is what he always says. I feel my stomach wretch and I will it not to spill its contents at that moment. Who kisses their spouse that way? That is how you kiss your mother. I want to feel loved like a woman. It has been so very long I don't remember what it feels like to have my loving gestures returned. I am completely empty inside. I go to him and he's there in the bed, but not asleep yet. I ask him to move over, and he does, turning his back to me in the process. I slide onto the bed next to him and wrap my arm around him. I caress his ear with my mouth. The coarse hairs in his ear tickle my lips. "I wanted to kiss you, I said. Sometimes I forget what it feels like to kiss you. What part would you like me to kiss?" "My ear, he replies." "Ok, but I've already kissed this ear just now, shall I kiss the other ear? It's buried." "No, just that ear is ok. I'm sorry I'm just so tired, he said." He's too tired, not asleep but too tired to engage in playful caressing with his wife. I get up and leave the room. I don't want him to see my tears. I don't want him to know how much he hurts me, and yet I do. If he knew wouldn't he stop it? Maybe he can't stop hurting me any more than I can stop going back for more. What in the hell is wrong with me? I have to find the switch that he found and turn my love for him off or I will die. My needs are not being met and I can't force him to meet them. But for me, like for many others, leaving means leaving my home that we have worked hard for together, and leaving my dog that I have had for 12 years and is my sweet and loyal companion. It would also mean letting go of the dream that we could actually love each other and share a life together. I know I have been fooling myself for years, there is no sharing going on here, except maybe the bills. I told my 20 year old son that I need to leave and why and he cried. He said he knows exactly what that feels like and doesn't blame me for leaving. My heart broke when he cried to know that he has been treated the same way. My biggest obstacle now at this point is finding the words to tell my husband I am going. My mind starts to resist and I draw a blank. Please help me anyone out there who can suggest some ways to put it into words gently and respectfully. I am too fragile to face yelling, name calling and threats. I want to try to say it in a way that won't encourage that type of response. 702850@blogcritics.org Sun, 16 Mar 2008 06:41:40 EDT http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-694543 Just came across this message board searching answers for my dilema. I agree with the post recently by Tom. Marriage is something that people should research more than like just buying a car. Hindsight is always perfect vision. Just looking at my in-laws and the turbulent relationship they had at the time i met my wife which is over 36 years ago the picture was before me. Had i known then what i have just come to realize in the last 4 to 6 years I could have painted my future. My father-in-law who has been dead for a few years became a heavy drinker in his mid 20's. This came about at the same time or shortly after my mother-in-law had her complete hysterectomy. From discussions with my father-in-law shortly before his death and talking with their oldest and closest family friends I have been able to piece together a pattern of behavior by the siblings of my in-laws. While it was not directly revealed I finally had bells and lights turned on in my head that my father and mother-in-law basically lived a long married life without intimacy or sex. My own wife has become this way and sees nothing wrong with it. After my wife and I were married we had wild sex until after the 2 kids came along. She was a stay at home mom and the sex came less and less. In my late 20's I masterbated because our sex life sucked. That pattern has continued and that is now the only sex I get. My wife could care less. She has recently been asking if I am horny or suggesting sex. Hell no I won't have sex with her, she withheld sex from me for so many years and always accused me of being oversexed. It went from 4 times a month to 2 times a month and then I always joked, can I have my Christmas sex or my birthday sex, of course at first she would say yes. Now of course because of her health issues we don't have sex.(she's castrated) It's a real turn on when she has recently offered to just lay there and let me "do it". She says I need to go to the doctor and get viagra. She won't allow foreplay, no kiss no hugs, no oral sex it makes her gag(didn't seem to bother her before) She launched into a tyrant fit when I suggested we shower together the other morning. She said don't ask anymore because you know I'm not going to let you. She is 75 lbs overweight and at her height thats a lot. A few years ago I found out about her gambling habits. I have had many confrontations with her about missing money from our bank accounts. She becomes very arrogant and loud about how dare I question her. Well after some research on my own I have discovered that if a spouse is stealing money from another and is indignant about it and lies its "cheating". When I read these posts from young people in 5 and 10 year marriages with little or no sex I am agast. At that point divorce, at least you have time to reconstruct your life. After many years of marriage I have to admit to the young bucks out there. NO MARRIAGE is your safest bet. Keeps the women out of your pocketbook and when things go sour it is much easier to settle things. Take this from a guy that has put 2 kids through college and put up with a nagging wife for the majority of my adult life. Looking back makes me sad, so I'll finish my working years and start my golden years wondering what could have been. 694543@blogcritics.org Sun, 10 Feb 2008 21:03:56 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-694251 Marriage sounds awful. A survey of many message boards only confirms that generally it is not pleasant. There are so few happy couples out there. A good marriage, it seems, requires a great deal of luck that you have even found the right person. Of course, marriages require work, but there is only so much "work" one can put into a relationship. In other words, when your late 20s come around, don't try to force a family! 694251@blogcritics.org Sat, 9 Feb 2008 14:10:54 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-693685 Hello ladies, Just so you know, you're not alone in this situation. My wife is acting just like the men have been acting in your accounts. We haven't had sex in over 1 year and she's not interested in doing anything else. I offer to do things for her (rub her back, sit next to her on the couch, and more intimate things) but she's not interested. She won't go to the doctor or to a therapist. Even before we stopped making love she wasn't really into it. After more than a year of sexual neglect I'm starting to just not care anymore. I'm putting up with the situation because my daughter is only 5 and I want to wait until she's a little older before I move out. It's important to remember it's not just men who lose interest in sex, it happens to women too. 693685@blogcritics.org Thu, 7 Feb 2008 09:05:12 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-691586 There is an ultimate truth buried in this self-excusing tale of woe. "It was just too late". Where have we heard this before? Seems this "Olencia" spent too much time watching Gone With The Wind and pretending SHE was Clark Gable, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." A man walks out on a frigid wife, he's evil. A woman does it and she gets accolades. What kind of world is this, where evil in female form is exalted? 691586@blogcritics.org Tue, 29 Jan 2008 23:40:27 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-691558 36 Year old male here. The day finally came. My wife and I have decided to part after 11 years of marriage and about 5 basically sexless. I feel that a weight has been lifted. Dont get me wrong - I am devestated that our marriage did not work. We have a home and one 3 year old. I think the last time we had sex was about a year and a half ago and about once or twice in the past 3-4 years. I was a basketcase. I still am. I never cheated. She did however. I was mainly hurt that she sought love and affection outside the marriage when I was waiting for her at home. I was not always the nicest person.. but to be honest - the more time that passed without sex - the angrier I got. I know men and women are different - but men need sex to feel close and to be nice. That is just my opinion. I know women need closeness and kindness to have sex. Our marriage should have ended three or four years ago.. but this is gods plan and not mine. I will take from it what I can and move on. I am hurt, angry, and depressed.. but that too shall pass. I hope and pray that everyone on this site has the strength and courage to do what is right for them. Do not stay in a marriage for anyone but yourself. Do not cheat on your spouse without telling your spouse you need to separate/divorce to see other people. Affairs do not work. Affairs destroy lives. This site has been a strong support for me because I can see other men (and women) out there are hurting and lonely like I am. I couldnt talk about this issue with anyone. Its taboo. I always thought that married people should be having sex - or at least have sex on a regular basis... For gods sake - I would have been estatic with once a month. However, marriage was nothing what I thought it would be. For me, it was a nice sunny day that turned into a spring shower, that eventually turned into a devestating tornado. I never dreamed a marriage could destroy every part of me. I will pick up the pieces and move on. I know I will. I have to feel the pain now so that I do not fall victim to the pitfalls of relationships that ended this one. I wish you all the best and hope that everyone finds happiness in their lives. 691558@blogcritics.org Tue, 29 Jan 2008 22:05:50 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-690789 I was doing a search about sexless marriages and came upon this one. I am amazed there are so many other people out there like me. I have been married at 25 and have been married for 22 years. Sex was great the first few years but it slowly dwindled over the past 5 to the point last year was 1st year I had no sex. I tried talking, treating her nice, not bugging her, bought books on the subject but she just doesn't want it. She says she has no interest in sex so I suffer. I had sex once in two years! I could turn to a hooker but who wants to pay for sex it is fake and who knows what you can catch. So I don't know what to do. I am fustrated and do not deserve this. How does this even happen or get to this point. I am so fustrated. I makes miserable all around in your life. I know the feeling all to well. 690789@blogcritics.org Sat, 26 Jan 2008 21:01:49 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-690328 Yes I am too in a sexless marriage, been married for 6 years, been sexless for the last three. DH is a nice man, kind, fun to be around but no sex, Ive tried all to get him into the mood to the point of almost begging for it, nothing, when the matter is open for discussion I get the " I will fix it", "I will seek help" nothing happened and 3 years of my youth just went by... I have not had sex since I was 33 i am about to turn 36. My situation is that as long as I don't bring matters into discussion the relationship works fine on a roomate level, a good friendship, a good parenting team, a good economic household but no intimacy. If i dont bring the subject out of the closset then it can stay there forever... every month when my hormones kick in I remember my desires but I know better now, why put myself into those horrible feelings of rejection as I know I will not get what I wish to get.. I compared my situation with friends they all seem to have husbands who can't take their hands away from them. I been feeling many things, rejected, neglected, ugly, sad, depressed, you name it. Enough is enough, all this has also lead the way to fall apart from eachother, to disconnect ourselves from the intimacy level on the emotional part, and now is too late, I care deeply for him but not enough anymore to stay and sacrifice my youth like this. I dont even bet to find someone else, but I rather be lonley alone that lonley with someone that reminds me every single minute of this bargain of marriage that somehow I manged to got into and that I have built myself with all my romantic believes that it could work, that I was going to be happy etc, I don't blame him, probably is hard for him to come to terms with the source of whatever it is that makes him not interested in sex with me, I feel sorry that he believes this life is happy the way it is, because is not, he is also human and could be maybe happier with someone else. I been feeling all this time that he is probably not happy, that he should leave, but nothing happened, now I wont wait for him to leave, is me who is not happy, or satisfied, is me who wants more than this, then is me who needs to gather the courage to leave, face my life alone but feeling that I am living the life I chose to live and not the conditions impossed by him. I wish him happy, and fullfield, but most of all I wish to regain again my life, heal my heart, find myself and perhaps find love again, but if not, at least I will know I did not settle for less than I though I deserved. I will leave this marriage knowing that we tried all, therapy several times, communication, love, patience, etc, I will leave this marriage knowing that I prayed and work hard for it. I know I wil be able to be again the happy woman I can be once this frustration is out of the way, I know that this sexless marriage has made me a grumpy mother and woman. I know that apart we will be able to be friends and good parents because intimacy and sex is out of the equation and no longer will be an issue... We will survive better apart, of that I feel quite sure. Thanks for listening. Wish you all you find a solution to your problems. 690328@blogcritics.org Thu, 24 Jan 2008 19:29:27 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-690241 I feel badly for the woman who's husband lost the drive for sex. I'm on the opposite side of this spectrum. It is my wife. At night, we just watch Leno, turn off the lights and go to sleep. It has become a nightly ritual to the point where I do not expect anything any more. I have learned how to manage without. 690241@blogcritics.org Thu, 24 Jan 2008 14:02:24 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-689408 Nice to read about a problem that I cannot talk about with people - especially my guy friends... THey all talk about having sex and such and it just makes me more angry. I have been married for 11 years and the last 5 has basically been sexless... I havent had sex in the past year and a half. It is hard to write that. My wife is depressed and an alcoholic and she has no intentions on having sex.. and beleive me - I have asked for it. I dont want pity sex.. I just want someone who wants to have sex with me. I know I can find someone out of the marriage but I am just not wired to have an affair. My wife had an affair and it nearly killed me. I dont think I will ever understand my wife or the reasons wh sex is off limits. I can really relate to the writer of article #117. I am sad - but trying to pray about it and learn why this is happening. Now I know there are men like me out there.... That is at least some support. 689408@blogcritics.org Mon, 21 Jan 2008 17:32:16 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-687616 I forgot I bookmarked this site. I have been with an emotionless, sexless man for seven years now. At first I thought he was respecting my privacy, my husband had just died. But five years later we went to therapy, four different therapists and very little happened. We tried once to make love. It was awkward. He laid on top of me like a brick of cement. No emotion, no feeling, nothing. What I don't get are the promises. I have heard promises of making "things okay." "I will" I hear, but the words and the actions don't come together. I am in therapy now to learn how to walk away from this marriage. I feel stuck. I feel like I am letting this person down when in reality he let me down. I feel guilty for wanting to get my life back. Feel guilty for wanting to feel again, to be passionate, loved, wanted. If it were just sex, maybe I could get over it, but its the lack of feeling. I had a lump in my breast. I had to go for a biopsy and I went myself. Then a few months later I broke my foot and my husband told me, "hurry up, or screw you, I am going ot be late for work." That was when I had the cast on my foot and couldn't keep up with him. To make life even more complicated, I met someone who made me realize I was human, hadn't lost my feelings. No relationship came from this, but my husband won't let me forget that he is not always on my mind. My husband snoops in my email. Tapes my conversations on the phone. He recently told his family and my sons from a previous marriage that I was a cheater. Everyone looks down at me now. They don't understand that I have never consumated my marriage. I watch how my husband's father treats his mother and I see my future. I don't like it. My father-in-law sits in a chair all day and complains. My husband sits on the sofa and plays his computer games. I pray that therapy will help me get out of this dead marriage. 687616@blogcritics.org Sun, 13 Jan 2008 21:09:14 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-683818 These stories are all too familiar. I have been married to my wife for almost eight years. It only took her about three months to completely lose interest in sex. We met in college almost 15 years ago and had a great sex life. After graduation, she returned to her home country and after years of staying in touch we decided to marry and settle down in California. I thought that her lack of interest in sex was due to her move back to America so I foolishly agreed to move to her country. It worked and we started having sex regularly until she got pregnant. At that point I think she knew that I would be forced to stay no matter what. If I left her, I would have visa problems and would have been forced to return to the States. She knew that I would never accept that kind of distance from my child. After years of struggling I finally got my visa issues sorted out and left her. I had a girlfriend waiting for me. When she found out about my new girlfriend, she tried to buy me off with copious amounts of sex. Up to this point, sex was "physically painful" to her, but once I was ready to leave, sex was suddenly something that she couldn't live without. I moved back in with my wife a few months ago because she couldn't make ends meet financially. With a four-year old daughter I have not choice but to support her and I needed to consolidate our expenses because I just couldn't support two households. The worst thing that my wife ever did to me was to act like she wanted sex only to turn me down. After months and sometimes more than a year of wandering in a sexless desert she would come to bed naked and start kissing and fondling me. She would wait until I tried to make a move and then say "I'll just lay here with my legs spread and try to sleep while you do your thing". Now she wants to work things out and acts hurt when I am short tempered with her. I'm forced to live in the same house with her and can't date other women simply because she can't earn a living. Even though she is willing to have sex now, I just want to get away from her. Cohabitating has allowed me to save some money and I am once again looking to move out. Maybe this time I'll have enough money to support my daughter and still have something left for myself. 683818@blogcritics.org Sun, 30 Dec 2007 11:35:24 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-682731 Wow. What a read. I am in the exact same situation, except reversed. I love my wife, to absolutely no extent. I provide in every aspect. I do everything I know how to do. Today was Christmas, and I provided her and the kids with absolutely everything they could imagine. I am alone. I feel neglected, unloved, and most of all, I am terrified. How did this happen? Why doesnt my wife ever want to hold my hand? Why doesnt she want to kiss me? Why doesnt she want to show any emotional or physical love to me? I -AM- a zombie.. a working husband, that works all day, comes home to clean up where she's been on the internet, and the kids have been running around. All I wanted for Christmas was to be loved. My wish did not come true. She's waiting for me in the bed. Guess I will go lay down and watch the jewelry channel and go to sleep now, while she doesnt even realize how dead I really am. thanks for the rant, I'll add more later. Its nice to see Im not the only one in this situation.. and I am SO sorry for everyone who is in it with me. 682731@blogcritics.org Tue, 25 Dec 2007 23:39:42 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-682226 I cannot believe that I am reading so many posts, I honestly thought no one could possibly be going through what I am going through. You never hear anyone talking about this subject. I have been married for 2 1/2 years and sex is not something that happens in our house. We have sex only at my insistance after months of pleading, crying, begging him to do it. The one thing that I have not seen that makes my situation different is that I do know why we dont have any intimate connections, he is on pain pills for his back, he has been on them since before we met and he has told me that when we met his back seemed to get worse so therefore he has to take more pills. He has gone to the doctor to get help and they tested his testosterone levels and found out that they are almost non existant, they put him on a hormone patch to try and bring the levels up, but he forgets to put them on unless I remind him and then if it has been a few days he feels sick till he gets used to them again, so he quits putting them on. Its a horrible cycle that doesnt look as though its going to end. Because of the lack of physical connection, our emotional connection is suffering. I even went so far as to have a full hysterectomy in hopes that it would reduce my sex drive to match his. I didnt have to have one but conviced my doctor that my monthly cycle was too out of control to handle any more. Guess what, it didnt work. I have had sex with my husband 2 times since then and both times it was only an average of about 1 min before he would say that his back was hurting and no matter what position it wont help. He has told me that he has no sex drive anymore but that if I could have just known him in "the good ol' days" I would have seen some sort of sexual dynamo, great, just what I wanted to hear, how great you were with other women and I get to be your nanny and bus driver. I'm only 36 and in super shape, I work out, dress nice, keep up on fashion and take really good care of myself. He tells me that it is not me but him. He says that he does desire me but just cant get the feelings going. I feel betrayed because he knew he had this condition before we were together and I thought he would get better over time. No such luck, now its barely a peck on the cheek and off to work. We have 5 kids total, 3 are mine and 2 are his. His previous wife left him for another man, I think I know why!! I do not want to have an affair, I have had someone do that to me and so has he. I just want out at this point, its not that I dont love him, I do. I just dont want to be married to someone that I have no connection to anymore. 682226@blogcritics.org Sat, 22 Dec 2007 16:47:57 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-679655 I'm a male, married now for 8 yrs. I too am living in a sexless/loveless marriage. I haven't had sex with my wife for a year. Im in my early 30s. I have two kids. Life is a journey, I constantly struggle with the question of Why? How much on my happiness do I repress for the Happiness of the kids. Its getting increasingly difficult to pretend to be happy. I love my wife and have been faithful. My Wife told me a year ago that she didn't love me anymore and that her feelings for me have changed. I've stayed around hanging on to hope which will probably always be there. I know that eventually I will have to Keep Moving Forward in life. Its so easy to stay in a realationship because its comfortable. We only have one life, Its difficult sometimes to step outside the box but I think thats what I'm going to have to do. 679655@blogcritics.org Wed, 12 Dec 2007 22:23:53 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-678925 My husband of 8yrs left me two months ago, walked out without hardly a word. We had been in a sexless, loveless, emotionless marriage for 5 1/2 of those 8 years. He stated he loved me, put on a good show in public but at home no affection, no sex, no emotional intimacy. I never really focused on the sex part, but I longed for emotional intimacy. Regardless, he said he "just didn't have any drive" and I could deal with that. He is 53, I am 43. I couldn't deal with the lack of emotional connection and for the last couple of years was really trying to get him to open up to me about what was going on...he of course would not. I have researched this problem for the last several years prior to him leaving. I have tried to talk to him about it as well. He has refused counseling, says he is not gay and as of two years prior to him leaving started to say "he loves me but the way a husband should love a wife" In my research I have found several great books, "living with a passive aggressive man" and " Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap" both have been very eye opening. Since he has left I have been reading "Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't" which I should have read prior to ever getting married. My husband was so affectionate when we were dating and after we were married, but something happened around the 2 1/2 year mark and it all changed. Looking back I know see he displayed the same pattern as he did in his first marriage. Since he left I have filed for divorce, and he has admitted he "can't emotionally connect" to anyone and he needs help. He has stated he is now seeing a counselor and that "who knows what the future will bring for us" I know, as I am filing for divorce. Sadly I still love or the man I thought he was and the life I thought we had. It hurts more than anything I have ever felt. Why are men this way? 678925@blogcritics.org Sun, 9 Dec 2007 15:30:51 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-678615 Married to an abusive man physically verbally and emotionally for 30 years. He was an alcoholic .Should of left him along time ago but the fear of divorce just kept me from leaving. Now looking back I have wasted 30 years of my life on a man that I haven't slept with in years.He was so cruel. I am emotionally distraught. I miss the tenderness and closesness of a man. I even had an affair for 7 years with a younger man.Just to have him touch me and lay next to me kept me alive inside.That craving for love was so intense. I felt so guilty and then finally made the decision to let him go so he could move on with his life. All I wanted is to grow old with someone. Hold hands, go for walks and enjoy the simple things in life. I am struggling to take that step towards divorce so I can finally set myself free. 678615@blogcritics.org Fri, 7 Dec 2007 20:57:35 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-674602 Its a similar story for me too. I married my husband 12 years, because my boy friend left me in the lurch. I didnot knew anything about my husband before marriage. My marriage was a rude shock, however I accepted it thinking that things will change. Right from the beginning, I had a terrible love life. In fact I met my gyne in the third month to check why I dont enjoy sex. She said probably its because I have not been able to forget my boy friend. I never had full sexual relationship with my boy friend. I never wanted a child to be born without love between us. But somehow, despite all precautions, I got pregnant in the second year. I have a wonderful 12 year old daughter who has held me together till now. I was so pissed off with my marriage that i concentrated only on my career and my daughter. Somehow, after 5 years of marriage, I convinced my husband to stay away as till now he was financially dependent on me. He had a very troubled childhood and could never make any decisions. He had a strange fetish for cleanliness and would treat my body like dirt. He never kissed me as exchange of saliva was quite disgusting for him. As he could never hold for more than a minute, I insisted on foreplay and oral which he couldnot do on his own. His face had such expression and at times i got infuriated and hit him badly. In return, he would beat me up indiscrimatory. I remember one such episode while i was 8 weeks pregnant with my daughter. I met an old college friend 2 years back. through him, i discovered myself back. I had lot of guilt initially as i had strong familial value systems which didnt allow me to go ahead with a physical relationship. But my body and soul were dying for it. I separated from him for 3 months after the initial 3 months, but this time giving up all the guilt. I knew that it was my need at the moment. I treat my friend as my life partner. He is married and committed to his wife. For me I may be just a deviation from the routine, but for me he became my pillar. We have been wonderful friends other than just bed partners. I am now pregnant after 12 years with his baby and i have no qualms about it. Lukily my husband was around at the same time and we have a quickie once. So he thinks that the baby is his. Now morally, ethically, or whatever the society says.. What is the way forward for me?? I divorce my husband for no real fault of his except that he is terrible in sex. Or I keep quiet for my both children and continue with life... Would appreciate if i get some good advice. 674602@blogcritics.org Mon, 26 Nov 2007 05:59:56 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-656559 Has anyone watched "Tell me you Love me" on HBO? 656559@blogcritics.org Sun, 18 Nov 2007 19:05:36 EST http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/12/13/044102.php#comment-656545 After a 10 year sexless marriage my husband has started asking for an "open" marriage telling me I could go out and get my "needs" met if he could do the same. Suddenly not only am I not arousing him, it looks like the porn isn't arousing him any more and he wants the real thing. 656545@blogcritics.org Sun, 18 Nov 2007 18:17:14 EST