Sex is an important part of marriage but whats more important is emotional fulfillment. If the two are not emotionally connected then there isnt any point in sticking around.

On the other hand the guy's behavior indicates that something bad may have happened to him while he was kid as was indicated vaguely in the post.

It takes two to tango but if the tune no longer engages the couples interest then there is no reason why the dance should go on.

I'll give you a reason: young children. For SU and me, they provide the connection.

It could be that he man has a physical or psychologicl problem related to aging, as well. It could also be some type of stress reaction.

I know of a couple who are sticking together because of the kids. The constant bickering and sulking hardly provide a congenial enviornment to bring up the kids.

Well, people have to learn to be grownups and to smile when they would rather cry or rage. It isn't much of a life, but it's the kids' lives that count and they didn't ask to be brought into the world. Every ounce of misery I suffer as a result of a hideously poor choice I have to endure for their benefit. What's more important? Sex or children?

i don't think the need for sex and children's needs can be compared...staying in a loveless and sexless marriage "for the children" shows the children that romantic relationships are loveless and devoid of affection...
if the couple can and is willing to stay in close proximity to each other for the children, different houses in the same town, then the children will be better off...
cliche or not, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...it's not the sex -- we can all deal somehow, someway...but to include one's children in one's withdrawal from affection is selfish and wrong no matter what the reason...the one who would show no affection need remove him/herself or expect that they will be removed...
girl children of such a man learn to expect and may even grow to be attracted to men who are aloof, distant, and disaffectionate...boy children of this kind of man may learn that this is the way to act with women...

i'm all about a person giving a marriage every single chance and then some...we need be aware that there are those marriages that, even 100 years ago, would've come to an end...

a healthy marriage is every bit as important a tool in raising healthy children as is proper diet, vaccinations, and an education...
an unhealthy marriage that has become a hopeless marriage is as bad for kids as a diet of fast food, no protection from disease, and a 3rd grade diploma...

I divorced my second husband in part because he had no sex drive, but mostly because he had no drive to fix what I considered to be a joint problem. He was more than willing to go to counseling "for me" but I didn't think it was "my" problem.

Mark was on dialysis, and was over 50. I knew there were physical and mental issues that played a big part of this problem--that's why I was willing to stick it out as long as I did. But his unwillingness to make any effort to get help for us was more than I could bear.

Interestingly, he was more than willing to allow me a surrogate sexual partner, and I did. We had a wonderful mutual friend who stepped into that role--in fact, he and I still share emails now and again. But the thought that Mark was willing to share me was also a blow. It told me (at least in my mind) how little that special closeness of sex really meant to him. The friend and I stopped seeing each other and about a year and a half later Mark and I did divorce. He died two years after that.

I still have some guilt issues, but I don't let it run my life. As a person and a woman I know I deserve a whole relationship and that I had done all I could do to achieve that.

Please tell your friend that I admire her strength, her courage, and her ability to reason. And that she has every right to speak out about this tragic cycle of events--if for no other reason than to encourage others to get the support they need.

Thank you for passing along this story and for the information on the book.

Wow, great post diana! I wish your friend the best, and I do agree with you and swingingpuss; a dysfunctional marriage is no place for children.

My brothers and I were raised by my mother after my folks divorced. We still visited our dad every weekend, and each of us spent a year or so living with him (and his second wife) but soon returned to the warmth of our mother's love.

It was SO much better than seeing, feeling, and suffering under the negative emotions of parents that have grown apart but lack the courage to separate.

Tell your friend that her kids will do just fine with her constant love.

Bennett

thank you bennett for giving us the perspective from the other side...

and thank you robin for sharing your story...i was especially taken with the comment "As a person and a woman I know I deserve a whole relationship and that I had done all I could do to achieve that."
pondering the many things that have been shared with me by her, i am in the hopes my friend will heed these words...perhaps there is some residual doubt about what she deserves, but surely she will see that she does, if for no other reason than because she did work so hard for it...oh, the prices we pay, and not a change return in sight...

Wow! What an article to stumble across. I was looking for a court case in which withdrawal of affection played an important part. I just filed for divorce due to a loveless/sexless marriage. My husband did the same thing to his ex-wife also. She chose to have an affair, so of course the entire divorce was her fault and he gets all the sympathy. I told him 2 years ago I would not stay in a loveless/sexless marriage. It's reassuring that I'm not the only one out there to have this experience.

The men, husbands, are beat down and they just gave up caring, they have no feelings for you anymore, they probably don't even like you. The funny thing is; He must have liked you at some point - he was willing to get married to you.... What happened after that?

Husbands have become mindless machines that bring home a paycheck and come home to fat nagging, whiny and bossy wives. You expect he wants to have sex with that? Try again. A man is born with drive and spirit, you've managed to kill that spirit. He's become an emotionless zombie. He can't drink, smoke, hang out with his pals, pursue his beloved hobbies, no sir, no more of that, he's married now.... He now gets to spend time with you discussing how you will spend the "family money" to redo the kitchen and bathroom. He is badgered to be "more romantic" like he "used to be". He harrassed, and harangued and nagged until you have him fully beaten down and under control.... You managed to kill what drives a man, his spirit.

He resents you, but does not verbalize why - he must be broken. Drag him to therapy. Does he talk, maybe. A little... Until you drag him back home and verbally abuse and chastise him for speaking his feelings and hurting yours (after all, it is all about you). Keep him beaten down, then blame him for all the problems, then file for divorce. It's the American way. While you're at it, take his money, the kids and the home.

There is very little benefit, if any, for a man to get married unless HE wants to have children.

You want a cure for his inattention? Bring a hot 20 year old into the bedroom. Disease cured. It's not him, it YOU.

Hi everyone. A friend gave me the link to this site weeks ago, and when I began to read some of it I got angry because it upset my applecart. I'm sorry that this is long, but this is the first time I've let this out.

My husband is a kind, good, gentle, and loyal individual. We had a beautiful home built four years ago; we adopted our beautiful son when he was born three years ago.

For moral reasons my husband and I did not have sex before we were married. On our wedding night I know he was interested, but would have left me alone if I hadn't done all the work. It is of great importance to him to make others around him feel comfortable - so much that I think the idea of initiating intimacy with me would seem to him an invasion of my comfort.

Back then I'd often be in tears telling him that I shouldn't have to beg, and that having to beg made me feel ugly (I am not), cheap, and humiliated. He'd always try to comfort me telling me that it wasn't me; it was him. I think he initiated sex once, and I think that was just because he was trying to do what he thought I wanted, missing the fact that it was his desire that I wanted, not just his initiation.

So the years go by and every time I make mention of the possibility of being intimate, he always says he's interested, but his computer and other things are clearly more important. Granted, we have a three-year-old (nearly four), and that is tiring for anyone, but he just has no interest in really working on things, even if he says he does. A sick marriage cannot raise a healthy child. We saw a counselor for a while just after we adopted our son, but all that did was drain us financially.

I thought it was just getting older and approaching menopause that I became disinterested in sex. But I still craved the intimacy. I had spoken with our doctor, who gave me samples of Viagra and Cialis.

I had these samples for months before I finally said something about them. He simply indicated that he was not going to put that into his body (for which I don't blame him, being health-conscious), but then there was still NO interest displayed on his part for addressing the problem.

He seems to think that this is OK, and for a while I thought I could live with it because I just refused to acknowledge the need. I've had several friends tell me that I was unhappy in my marriage, and looking at all the things I had, I refused to really see it.

I have been thinking for some time about leaving, but that would also mean leaving my son, who he would not part with (and he is a good dad). On a lesser scale, it would also mean leaving our home, the "security" of sharing a life together, and for me there is another important element...

I have a physical disability, which often severely limits my mobility and function, though it isn't noticeable to most people. I have had fears as to whether or not I could make it on my own. Even if I can, I am not sure that I could care for my son properly without someone else around. I would be leaving my husband's medical insurance, and I can't afford my own. Besides my son, this has been a large part of why I have remained a legal prisoner.

Last night I made the decision to leave. I haven't told him yet, but I know I have to. He will want to work it out, but he is who he is, and that won't change. The worst thing is knowing that I won't be able to kiss and squeeze my sweet little boy, and tell him how much I love him every day and every night as I always do. The second-worst thing is knowing that my husband and I love each other very much.

I have no interest in hurting my husband in any way; he is a fine man who works hard to provide a good home. We share financial responsibility equally, we talk about news and weather, we laugh at the wonderful things our son does, but a peck on the lips out the door in the morning and at bedtime just isn't enough for me. My needs are not being met and I can't force him to meet them. I refuse to humiliate him.

I just came upon this amazing article and comments after my husband walked out the door to work. I have had the exact same experience as many of you, married a wonderful man, had four kids, a great life, then he just disappeared 8 years ago, when we had the 4 plus his dad living with us. I worked all the way through, but after 2 years of being completely neglected fell in love with someone else, and it saved my life. He is married as well, we agreed to keep it out of our families, but we were noticed. My husband doesn't want to touch me, but detests me for being "unfaithful" and a "liar." Our kids are all close to us and we have fun as a group, but I am moving into a separate bedroom and planning to leave him once our youngest is a little older. My advice: once they become this way, they are dead. Leave them if you can, earlier rather than later, don't be abused by neglect, it destroys you. Counselors don't get it, from what I have seen. We need a support group, and I'll bet there are men in the same boat. And to that Mike who wrote in: I am a successful musician and attorney and am considered a knockout by everyone I meet. My husband is average looking and thinks every man is after me, so it isn't always the fat lazy nagging wife, it is a problem some people have and it is NOT normal, it is terrible.

I am so glad I Googled "sexless marriage" and found this discussion; for a couple of years now I have been blaming myself and have been in a profound depression because my husband doesn't want anything (physicially) to do with me. At first (we were together for two years before we got married), he was very anxious when we didn't have sex every day (which I found excessive--it was like he panicked if he couldn't have me every day like it meant that I didn't love him). I personally need to feel a physical closeness to feel emotional closeness to my spouse, and I haven't had that now for 2 - 3 years. I have an opportunity to take a job in another city, and I am going to do that so that we can much more easily go our separate ways. We have been to counseling and my husband's excuse is always "I just don't feel close to you emotionally, and therefore can't be close to you physically." To me this is a catch-22; I need physical closeness to feel that I can be close in all the different emotional ways that a good marriage brings. I have been married before and divorced but sex was very rarely a topic of contention, and I still have to pinch myself to believe that I find myself in this situation (we are both 48 and I have never had any problems attracting the opposite sex--but for most of our "sexless" time together I have blamed myself and this has sent me into a spiral of depression and of very low self-worth). I have waited to see if he will change (he has a problem with anger management as well) but the next day's "I'm sorry" from him has no meaning for me anymore. If he really wanted to work on our problems and wanted to keep me, he could and would, but has demonstrated that he can't and won't. He says that he loves me but over the years the scales have fallen from my eyes and I know he does not. I have been told (by him) that I should accept him as he is (not only does he not have any physical feelings for me, he has been angry enough at times to choke me and to throw me to the floor--he wants to "discuss our issues" but it always ends with him yelling at me for an hour or two about how wrong I was--like asking him to put something in the refrigerator). Life is too short (we have no children to consider, which makes things easier) to go without the emotional support and the physical demonstrations that go with it. I want so much to be close to someone that appreciates and loves me, and I applaud "Olencia" for her courage--I know how hard making these kind of decisions is; I am doing it right now. Good luck to those out there in the same position! Don't blame yourself if you have exhausted all of the avenues to fix the problem with no success; go out and find a life that fulfills you emotionally and physically.

Thanks for this interesting article. I feel my situation is a bit different. Our married life has always been fraught with sexual problems. We married after only having known each other for three months. At first he was impotent because he thought I was too passionate. Then he decided not to have sex for spiritual reasons. At this point I had an affair that I deeply regretted. My husband found out about it and we really started to try to work on our problems. But we never even came close to a comfortable sexual relationship. I have been married for almost 25 years. I have lost or repressed all sexual desire for my husband. Now he has lots of desire (mainly, I think, because he knows I have lost it.) He usually asks me for sex and says he needs to have it because he is startig to look at other women. I always comply and the whole thing lasts about 5 minutes. Now, I have told him no more sex. I'm tired of having sex to be "nice." I love my husband. He is a good, kind, intelligent and funny man. We have two children one of which is severely disabled with autism. I told my husband a few weeks ago that I was thinking of leaving him and he fell apart. He is really, really trying to be affectionate (that was something he said he could never change.) But I wonder if it isn't too late.

thank you everyone for your comments and especially for sharing your stories...it emphasizes for the next person posting that they're not alone...i hope some of you are coming back to see how many more women are or have suffered with this kind of man...

i wish i had answers...

to update, olencia somehow talked her husband into seeing a psychiatrist...will update when more is available...

I am so glad I came upon this site. I thought I was the only one going thru this horrible situation. I don't even know where to start. I've been married for 17 years been with my husband for 19. My husband has always had a problem being affectionate with me. We very rarely have sex and when we do its just to please him. Sometimes he acts like he'll catch on fire if he has to hug me. We usually only have sex 4 to 5 times a year. And its not always about sex, there is not passion, no affection(I get the one armed hugs too!!),and no communication. He refuses to talk about our sex life.I'm so frustrated. I was seriously thinking of having an affair but I knew it would just make things worse. I've asked him before to talk to his dr. , he says there is nothing wrong. I'm trying to go back to school, once I am able to be on my own I will most defintly leave. I'd rather be alone then be in a sexless , loveless marriage. He does tell me everyday he loves me and gives me a peck ,like thats suppose to satisfy me. I really didn't like what Mike had to say. Everyone I know thinks that I am the nicest person , I would do anything for anyone. And I've been told "Why are you with him you can do 100% better" Not all women are like that. And putting a 20 year old hot girl in my husbands bed will do nothing for him, sorry. Again thanks for this wonderful site. And we should start somekind of support chat room. How about yahoo? If your all interested i'll start it. Thanks again , Stacy

stacy, if you happen back this way, please email me at msdusmcd at yahoo dot com and put "sexless marriage article" in the subject line...

i encourage anyone else heading back this way to do the same...there is always a way to set up an online support group...

i look forward to hearing from you ladies...

I have no commentary that would prove useful in any way, Diana, but I hope your friend and her husband find a way back, if not to each other, at least to themselves.

Excellent, thoughtful, beautifully done article.

donnie, knowing the kind of man you are, your words mean more than i can say...

Wow, what a great article and what great courage from Olencia to share her story. I guess I'm not alone afterall. I have been married for 17 years but a little over a year ago, we sold our home and separated. After living apart for 4 months, we decided to give it a try again with the help of marriage counseling. The counseling helped our communication skills temporarily but did nothing for our sexless marriage. I too need an emotional connection as well as a physical one. I do not consider myself a sex craved maniac but I do want to experience intimacy with my husband on occasion. This past summer, our son spent a month with his grandparents in another State. Well you know something is wrong when there is no sex, or even the intention of any sort of lovemaking during the entire time our son was gone. I initiated it once but was declined then never went there again. This has been a recurrent issue over the past several years and I have brought to my husband's attention on several occasions that it may be a physical problem and maybe he should see a doctor. He will listen and agree but does nothing about it even though he knows how important it is to me. I stopped bringing it up (because it is somewhat embarrasing to seem like I'm begging for affection) and started to think that he doesn't care enought to fix the problem or even let me know what I can do to help? I truly believe that he thinks everything is "alright" if I'm not fussing about it.

I do not consider myself unattractive and have never had low self esteem during my adult life, but the rejection has become somewhat overwhelming and I am starting to have doubts about myself. I have thought long and hard about the D word but it's so tough when kids are involved. Thank you for sharing your story and ensuring the rest of us that we are not alone.

KT

WOW! I am so glad to of found this tonight. I have been married almost three years. We had LOTS of sex until the I do's came. I bring it up and he shuts down I shut up and he thinks he no longer has to think about it. I now sleep on the couch because I can no longer take the nightly rejection or reminder. I am in my 20s and get hit on often. I have turned down many oppertunities because I think having an affair would hurt me more than I hurt now. I am scared because Im starting to wonder if it would be that bad.Our friend ship is wonderful and I know he is the greatest man I've meet. I love him SO much but know I deserve a whole life. I wanted to see if I was the only one dealing with this and I think Im sadder to see I'm not. Lots of luck to all of us.

Believe me I feel your pain. I have lived the same kind of life as you. By the way it is not you as one comment was made. It is your husband. Just as it is my husband. I totally adored my husband. As for me I have always worked and I am a nice looking woman. To be honest I am not the nagging person in the marriage it is mainly him that does that...lol. I have tried for years to help fix the problem. He just refuses there is anything wrong. He will not get any help. I am to the point now that I am planning on leaving our 30 year marriage. I want to feel the love from a man. I want the things that people take for granted. No one knows how it is until they have walked in our shoes. I have talked to a few people and some just look at me as if it could not happen. But my husband too has no sex drive or passion. He has no desire for women period. No he is not gay. I wish there was a pill to fix the problem. I really don't want a divorce but I am losing my desire for him now. I am tired of the only one trying.

I have been living with this problem for most of my marriage but has gotten much worse over the last 8 years. Actually it started on our wedding night. He insisted on taking our friends with us to vegas to be "witnesses" to our marriage, but I even thought back then that he really didn't want to be alone with me. It made me feel like I must really be unexciting. I have been married for nearly 20 years now, and over time has gotten to the point of never ever having sex. Started out 1 time per week, then every 2 weeks, then 1 per month etc. When I tried to talk about it he made one excuse then another. I feel like I am only living a half life. It colors how I relate to others now too. I am becoming increasingly short tempered and cranky. I just don't see what it matters any more. I don't want to run out and get another man, either. For one thing I just feel so ugly now, I just couldn't stand it. I have gained about 35 pounds over the last 8 years. Some of it is because of health reasons, but I suspect most of it is due to the fact that he constantly brings home junk food and pizza and I really can't see any point in getting slim again. He ignored me when I was slim too. So why bother. I geuss I haven't left yet because of the kids. But I am beginning to realize that my kids notice how unhappy I am too. I don't think that they would understand though, if I divorced. I know it would be hard on them. I have 2 daughters, one is grown and moved out and the other is still in junior high. Every body thinks he is just great, since he teached Sunday school and does stuff for every body. He is a nice person, and most of the time is a good dad, although has left most of the work of raising kids to me. I am going to be 50 years old and I am scared I will divorce and then think, uh-oh, I am just too old to be on my own. I do have a good job and can support myself, although it may be a bit tight, whereas now money isn't a big problem. However, that is the other big issue. He has always kept his finances separate from mine and thinks it is ridiculous for me to want us to have joint finances. It's "his" rent houses, or your car payment, etc.....I am just really tired and want to be out of my misery. I don't know if I have enough energy to move and get a divorce.

You women are not alone in this, I too am dealing with this. My husband uses excuses, tells me that I am too demanding and controlling every time I bring up having sex. He swears that he is not gay, not having an affair. I don't know how this happened. We used to have a great sex life and then it gradually waned to where we are the point now that I am now called a nagging irritating wife if I even try to talk about it. We have been married for 21 years and I am so baldly hurt and feel sad about what is happening to us. I thought he loved me, he claims he does, but if he truly does how could he put me thru this????? It's a terrible form of mental cruelty at an unimaginable level. Who am I going to talk to about this? my mother? This blows, I love to have sex and crave the intimacy but he wants no part of it. He has started to make me feel like I am the biggest pain in the butt. I feel guilty, ashamed, angry, concerned, resentful and totally confused. My marraige bed is more like a battlezone now. Instead of being a source of comfort and love, it has turned into a symbol of a power struggle of sorts gone amok. Our family doctor prescribed Viagara which he took a couple of times but was extremely resentful about it. I have no idea what to do. I feel like I am losing my mind. Good luck to you ladies out there going thru this, I really feel for you and my heart goes out to all of you.

ladies: did or does your husband look at porn??? If you say that he doesn't, how do you know???

Pornography is the bane of our marital existence. Any man with balls knows that. You women are so naive.

men are very sneaky when it comes to pornography.

From deleting the history (and surfing around more to make it look like the history wasn't deleted) to deleting temp files (cache), to making up stories about browser updates automatically clearing history, to hiding lotion, masturbating while you're out, renting DVDs if you leave for the weekend.

Trust me ladies, there are plenty of ways not to "cheat", and plenty of ways not to get caught "not cheating" by looking at porno.

Porn presents an opportunity for every man to have sex with any girl he's ever really really wanted to but couldn't. It provides a smorgasbord of sexual fantasies, from teenagers to milfs to you name it.

If you don't address the issue of porn, YOU'LL GET NO WHERE

Interesting that you brought up the issue of porn. My husband used to have playboys in his bathroom before we got married, but not since. However, he brought his work computer home the other night and I checked the history (no I am not proud of this). He had gone to Sports Illustrated swim suit pages about 25 times on one day. Not hard core, but it does indicate that he does have a sex drive (unlike what he tells me) and that he probably is not gay. He does not often bring his computer in, but apparently feels the need to have a password protect on it, I found out. I have long suspected that he is probably masturbating to relieve his "non sex drive". By the way, I know it is a personal question but how "young" are the rest of you gals? Am I the only one thinking of leaving my marriage at the age of 49? Am I being crazy doing that at my age. Or has this marriage made me feel too old too soon?

Betty I am age 47. I was married to my husband right out of high school. He is 49 years old. I don't have to tell you because you already know this. But to others whom have no idea what we are talking about. It is so hard to leave a man that you love and you respect in so manyways. But it is hard living as brother and sister all these years. For once in my life I want to live a full life with a loving man.

nugget, while i appreciate your input and concern, please understand many of these women are not dealing with something they just found out about or that's only been going on for a few years...some of these women are talking about a decade or two decades of the same behavior (to include a man's homebody-ness)...

there are of course those marriages brought down by a man's obsession and/or secrecy with porn, however, not every sexually dysfunctional marriage is the result of a man's use of porn...

as is the case with my friend and with many other women, sometimes a marriage is dysfunctional because the man is impotent on more than one level...i understand this is not your experience...please understand that what these women are going through is different than what you're going through...

too, consider for a moment the difference between what you're saying and what the other women have said...you're suggesting porn is the culprit, not a lack of sex drive...could this be your way of distancing yourself from your husband's distasteful choices? it's easier to blame the porn than him...it's easier to get into his computer than into his head...when a man like the one these women have described is part of the mix, there's nothing to find when one goes looking...they really aren't cheating, gay, sneaking out to do this or that, or keeping and/or looking at pictures of other females...

what these other women are saying is that there is no inanimate object or third person with which to focus their disdain...after years and years of trying this, checking that, reading this and going back and forth, they have arrived at the only conclusion that existed -- the husband has, for whatever reason, physically shut down...we're not talking about sex drive alone; we're talking about any and all desire for physical affection of any kind, from snuggling in bed to meeting his wife's eye across the dinner table...a sexless marriage alone can be brought within the realm of tolerable -- ask anyone who has been severely injured; a loveless, affectionless marriage cannot be tolerated...the problem for these women is not what their husbands are doing (as many hold good jobs, provide well, are good parents, help around the house a lot, etc), it is what their husbands are not doing...

if you know for sure that your husband has a thing for porn so great that you no longer enjoy any of his attention, then you at least have your answer and now you can make an informed decision...the women here have no such luxury...they don't know what the problem is or if something else can be done...

if you leave your marriage and others ask why, you can say exactly what the problem was...if these women leave their marriages, they do so with no answers at all...

Diana:

I'm a male. haha. But thanks for the reply. I agree that most women posting have been married 10+ years and they can't figure out what's up with their husband.

I'm just trying to provide a little insight, being a very malish male. My first approach, of course, is pornography.

Let me explain something else about men. Many men believe they were born into the wrong culture because of the collective societal dictum of monogamy. Many, if not all men, would love their culture to be similar to that of polygamists (minus the strange religious jargon). Men have an insatiable appetite for variety, NOT monogamy. Is it possible to find variety in monogamy??? You may think you can "spice things up" to a point that would alleviate his boredom, but I know this doesn't work.

Now, if the impotence is more than just sex-related, then I have a lot of theories. Women have a tendency of busying themselves, always running here and there, and almost enjoying keeping their minds occupied with their planner. Men, in particular, love spontenaeity, excitement, and abberations from the regular 9 to 5 cycle. You may find that to be a sexist generalization and mischaracterization, but I don't care, because you thinking that would be part of the problem. Women can't relax and not worry about the next day. This tires a man's spirit and disposition. He'd rather you not be around because you're GOING to tell him to do something. Whether or not it is a merited and relevant request is not the point.

Perhaps I'm describing the busy-bodies, and not all the spontaneous fun-loving women out there. If you are this type, then perhaps your husband was a jerk when you got married to him but you were to blinded by adoration. I've known so many girls that want to marry a guy to "change" him or "settle him down." They naively look for the good in him, and pay for it 10 years later. I've always known that when a girl kind of looks at her husband the same way she'd look at an adorable puppy, the marraige will probably end in disaster. Many women are always hoping that their boyfriends or husbands care. You better damned well be sure that your man is capable of communicating 1) that he loves you a lot, 2) why he loves you, 3) what he's thinking without YOU nagging to get it out of him.

If your guy can't communicate his emotions very well, QUIT HOPING. Don't marry the guy because chances are the emotions are NOT A GOOD THING. I'm not Dr. Phil, I'm more intelligent, and I'm very in touch with what pig males ACTUALLY think. Do not pretend to think you can change a male. A guy can only change himself. Most men don't really listen to women, especially the wild ones. I listen to my wife because I've always been a nice and caring person. It's very evident that I am this way to other people too. I am masculine and am never afraid to fight, and I know when a guy is bad news. MOST guys are bad news. I just wish more college-aged women understood this before marrying them. Women should be MUCH more picky.

Thanks Connie. I can relate to what you said about living with your "brother". I have mostly felt like I was a room mate sharing expenses. I did call to make an appointment with a lawyer today, and I am trying to make a plan for when to do everything. It seems it is always close to someones birthday or a major holiday, so there never is a "good" time to plan a divorce. Thank you, too, Diana. You hit the nail on the head about me not having answers. Which is why I have been living in marriage limbo for so long. If he would have done something dramatic like have an affair or take up some horrible habit it would be so much easier! As it is, I am certain to be viewed by friends and family alike as selfish or crazy to leave such a great guy. All this time I have racked my brain trying to figure this out and trying to hope for things to actually become tolerable, but my resentment just keeps growing. Weird thing is that actually we don't fight anymore like we were a few years ago. We got to a boiling point where if I said something that made him mad he would just storm out of the room and give me the silent treatment for a week at a time. Then we gradually got better and bought a new house etc. Actually had sex (1 per month) for a while then reverted back to sexual sahara. This time I am done fighting about it or for it. I can't do it by myself, like Connie said. He says counseling is a waste of money. I suppose he is right, isn't he?

After reading the article and some of the responses to it. I have to believe that none of these people have experienced this kind of pain and lonliness. We can all have an opinion, but if you have not experienced a pain this deep, how can you give advice???

I am married for 4 years and I knew something was wrong. I talked with my husband because I thought men have a right to be shy too. Who said only women could be shy??? While I know that is not the norm for men. I loved him and was willing to work at it. He assured me it was nothing. We went on with the wedding and there has never been an attempt to even try to be effectionate with me. I did not have a lot of friends, but the ones I had I thought were great. Unfortanately, they were unable to handle this. The last four years have been the most secluded, lonely time of my life. This so-called marriage has made me feel quite damaged. There are even times these days when I wonder why I had to wake up???? The pain will not go away regardless of what I do. I tried everything I could think to work on the problem: from sex books to therapy to nighties to sexy dancing to talking, and letting him know that I loved him. I've been rejected so much I can't bear the hurt anymore. My advice to anyone that is having any kind of sexual problem with their mate is to get out as quickly as you can! ! ! IT WILL DESTROY YOU. Everyone, no matter what your views on life and love, needs to have sex and effection.

Cassie, the pain you are feeling must be horrible. I hope with all my heart that you can find resolution quickly.

I too share the secret of living with a husband who doesn't have interest in having sex. I feel very ashamed and afraid to share this secret with my friends or family.
We have had sex once in the past year. I can't believe I am living a lie in the bond of marriage. There is not a day goes by that I don't think about my problem and I feel that my husband tunes it out of his daily functioning. We have two beautiful daughters, ages 21 qnd 26. What do I tell them if I leave their father?

judy, your children are plenty old enough to understand a lack of physical intimacy...

they've surely seen for themselves what a distant and untouching person he is...i'm sure your kids aren't stupid; they very likely know there is little intimacy between you and your husband based only how little they've seen you interact as husband and wife in the privacy of home...it might surprise you to find out they wouldn't be surprised if you left or why you'd leave...

olencia (of the article) battled with telling her children and did finally before they headed off to college...they were considerably more understanding than she thought they would be and they had a lot of empathy for their mother - because they too had been on the receiving end of his distance...

they didn't like the idea of her leaving the marriage because, from their perspective, the marriage made them a family...she spelled out for them that what she had was not a marriage and that they had still been a family, thus they would always be a family, marriage or not...

for all the women who have contributed here, it is in many ways fortunate that you are older...for many of you, it's fortunate your children are older (teens to adult)...use this to your advantage if you decide to leave the marriage...while no one would suggest you share the nitty gritty with your kids, anyone who has ever been turned away from a hug can understand the hurt and rejection...the children of the cold marriage can especially relate and usually know first hand just how distant their father is; if not from them, at least from their mother...

if you've brought your kids up with the idea that you and your husband are non-sexual beings and didn't really talk to your kids about sex, it will be harder to convey the problem...i would strongly encourage any woman in this position to seek counseling before trying to communicate this to one's children...

remember, counseling is just like any other service: shop around! join a support group(s) of any kind that relates to your issues (a lack of sex is not your only issue) and ask around within the groups, specifically of the facilitators, to see who they do/do not recommend...even after you've picked a counselor (therapist, psychologist, etc) and attended a few sessions, consider how you feel...do you feel heard? understood? like you're getting somewhere? you're discovering things? does the counselor validate the reason for the marital problem? does he/she focus on you (rather than what you could do for your husband)? if not, it's time to go shopping again...

i would ask all of you in this position to consider something: if your husband was gay, would you stay?

there is no fundamental difference between the gay husband and the disaffectionate husband except that the gay husband is probably still capable of expressing affection with his wife along the lines of two very good friends, but the disaffectionate husband gives nothing at all...

finding out you're married to a gay man is a line drawn for you -- you know why you're not getting your needs met and you know for absolute sure that you never will by this man...

given how much worse it is to be married to a disaffectionate man, the line is all the more deep, intruding, and hurtful...because of all that heterosexuality, it's also a hidden line...

just because you can't see the line doesn't mean it isn't there...consider how long you've lived like this...ask yourself if you can do another 5, 10, or 20 years of it...if not, know the line is there and don't concern yourself with whether anyone else can see it...if need be, draw it yourself: "i am a loving, lovable woman and i will not be married to someone who is disaffectionate"...

you may not think you're loving or lovable but we both know that has more to do with all the crap you've been through and less about your own personal state...you are loving and loveable, else you never would have entered into the marriage to begin with and you wouldn't be expressing so much sadness about this hole in your life now...

The entire point of marrying is for love - which is NOT the same thing as sex or physical expression of love, no matter how much some people seem to think it is. You can put up with loss of sex or physical affection, as long as your partner loves you & expresses that as best s/he can. Many marriages survive or even thrive where one partner is ill or handicapped and can no longer rely on the physical, and long years of data have proven that marriages & partnerships based on the physical invariably fail, if only because the physical fails, in all of us, especially as we get older, get sick, or become injured or incapacitated.

Would I stick by a gay husband? Depends on the circumstances. If he only realized he was gay after we married, and was not out actively cruising or bringing strangers home, I would certainly try to make a go of it, altho I'm not sure how I'd react to having a 3rd party moving in. I guess if I liked that party, & they got along with me, I could handle it, especially if my husband & I were still on strong terms of friendship & affection, because that is the defining nature & bond of the relationship, after all, not the sex.

with all due respect nancy, the women here are talking about a man's choice, not something that came about as a result of something outside his control...(i speak of course about the decision to no longer engage in physical affection, not homosexuality)...

i wasn't comparing a gay man to a disaffectionate man...i was comparing the finality of affection within marriage to a gay man to the finality of affection within marriage to a disaffectionate man...if you know your husband is gay, you have your answer to "why?" and the line is clear...if you're married to a disaffectionate man, you'll probably never get the answer and the line is not so clear...i was suggesting that if one could see the line in one instance, perhaps they could translate this to another instance and apply it - even if they can't see it...

too, the question was posed to those in the situation, not those who are not...while all input is appreciated and valued, surely you'd agree that those outside a particular situation might lack the depth of experience necessary to suggest workable imperatives...

if one wishes to marry little more than a roommate, that's one's choice...what these women are talking about is having married the one they loved, the one that loved them, and having enjoyed intimacy on levels now withheld from them...

i think it's safe to say that a man who can no longer hold hands because he doesn't have them is not in the same category with the man who flinches when his wife reaches for his hand...

the man who is paralyzed or afflicted in any way that disallows physical intimacy is not in the same league with the man who has chosen an affection embargo within his marriage...

you are talking about one kind of man; these women are talking about another...the men they speak of have not withdrawn just physically; they have, in many cases, also withdrawn emotionally such that there is no evidence of love at all...this can be said to strongly suggest a lack of love (a choice), and not the inability to express it...

while it will ultimately rest with the women here whether or not they leave their husbands, it's worth noting the chicken-shit method their husbands chose to distance themselves from their spouses without actually having to shoulder any of the responsibility for leaving the marriage...as with the other aspects of marriage, many of these men have left the dirty work to the wife, all the while appearing blameless...

where there is the capacity and ability to express love physically, it is by all means reasonable of either partner to expect love to be expressed in whatever way the other is capable...when, even in the face of capacity and ability, that affection is withdrawn, someone is lying to themselves and their partner...that's not love, that's one person's choice; and it isn't the job of nor a reasonable expectation of the person on the receiving end of that rejection to "put up with it" when the "it" is a withdrawal of love...

Ah, my bad. I shouldn't have intruded. Apologies. My point was just that sex isn't everything, and too many women seem to think it is. I somehow missed the gist of what was going on.

Don't feel bad Nancy, not many other people get it either! And Diana, you are so on the mark about the guy not having to shoulder any of the responsibility, and getting to look like the good guy to the friends and family. I have always felt like that but did not know how to articulate it. It really is pretty chicken shit isn't it? Keeps everything nice and comfy. And in the closet.

Diana: Is there a reason you completely ignored my comment above?

Nugget, I am curious why you would say that a man might hide lotion.

Also, what in the world is a "milf"?

Betty, milf is Mother I'd Like to F(I'm sure you can figure out the rest)

Oh!Thankyou!

Today should be a happy day, 25 years of marriage, but on the contrary, I am very depressed. It has been over a year since my wife has had sex with me. We never had a great sex life... once a week at the peak, once or twice a month was more like it. From her perspective the problem started when I began being treated for high blood pressure. My head still wants and craves sex, but the penis is less cooperative. It takes more excitement to get an erection, it is more difficult to maintain the erection, and ejaculation happens more quickly if the erection is maintained. She claims that on our last attempt at sex I tore her vagina while trying with a less than rigid penis. (I really don't understand that.)

When the penis began to lose some performance, and she did not criticize me, I had so much respect for her. But that didn't last long, then she just stopped. As I said, it has been over a year.

I am not happy with my loss of performance, but at the same time there are other ways we could pleasure each other. I used to enjoy giving her oral sex, she didn't enjoy receiving it.

I know I can still have a climax and I would love to receive oral sex, but she won't even consider it.

This is going to be a very sad depressing day for me.

I could write my own book on this subject. I have been married for 15 long agonizing years plus one year for dating for a total of 16 years. It has been a loveless, sexless, and an emotional rollercoaster of a marriage. I have two children with this man. How I got them I will never know, I suppose the good Lord was looking out for me...we have hardly had sex enough to even conceive a child. I had to ask if we were going to have sex my wedding night, he wanted to go to bed. I was only 20, that was my biggest sign, I should have left that night! We average maybe one to two times a year...I can honestly say we have had sex maybe 30 times in 16 years. There has been years to go by and we never touch each other...but I receive a cable bill of 1500.00 for nothing but porn movies in one month! I said it is amazing that you can rise to the occasion with your hand but you cant seem to find the energy to be with your more than willing wife. I have since blocked any renting of pay per view movies. Now I could open my own porn store with all of his movies! I have cried and begged for him to make love to me, I feel like I have reject stamped across my forehead! I never turn him down, I am afraid that it will be months before he wants to again. He always has to watch porn when we are together and can never have a normal orgasm with me...he has to stop and take care of business himself...which makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I am totally disconnected with him. Sex is an act to him, no kissing or intimacy...no hugging or cuddling afterwards, but I do get a "thank you" as if I was getting paid for my services. I am here for my kids. I am only 35, and I long for love and intimacy with a man. I love to love, and I want to love in a big way to man that enjoys my same passions for this. I hope to find the courage and strength from within to leave. We have filed for divorce 2 times, and my kids lay so much guilt on me that I give in. I want them to be happy. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks.

I'm sorry to see no reply to or appreciation for nugget's post #31. It looks to me he was really sincere to want to help. I think it is very important for women to know what the other side is thinking, what is the root of the problems, the psychology of men. Without that, you'll go nowhere trying to solve your marriage problems. This is why a post from a man should be very welcomed, especially nuggest's had some good points to make, and should be appreciated, at least with an acknowledgement. Why on earth would he have spent the time to post here?

just found this after a google search ,Never new there was so many more like me in the world suffering lack of love ,inderstading,kindness in a marriage, Any group out there?.Be most helpfull

I would also be interested in knowing if there is a support group or a chat on the computer for this problem? At times it would be so nice to talk to someone that has the same kind of problem. It is so hard for most people to understand this situation. When I have ever tried to talk to anyone about this I always hear such things is there another woman. Is he gay? Are you not getting along? I could go on and on. But sorry people that is not it. And of course you have those people that respond how do you know that is not why. I have talk with a doctor and he has even told me either I have to accept this or move on for my own good. I do suggest when people write in try not to attack us. I realize this is so new to some of you and that you don't live this kind of life. I want to say this. I do respect my husband. I will always love him. And would never wish any harm on him. I have so much to say but I am not the best in writting it down.

The women of loveless, sexless marriages who are interested in joining a group for support and validation are welcome to vist Hera's Women.

Please read the group description before deciding to join. If you know the reason why your marriage is loveless and sexless, or you are not involved in a loveless and sexless marriage, Hera's Women is not for you.

Hello, what an excellent site. I hope this is helpful. My wife and I waited to have our first child about 5 years and enjoyed getting to know each other physically. Then for no apparent reason I experienced a subclinical case of depression, for which I pursued tx. It was discovered that the depression was not a stand-alone issue, but secondary to undiagnosed ADHD and mild autism from birth. I was crushed. My wife became queen bee and critic #1. Comments made about my medicines and lack of social graces were not innocent, but cut me to the core. What's my point? I beleive there are many men walking around with real world treatable psychiatric disorders, but fall short of a DSM IV diagnosis by a point or two. Or in our macho male world of denial, refuse to come forward for help.
My family thinks that I'm faking, looking for attention, pulling off an excuse not to relate, and call me a drug addict. Pretty nice, huh? Now I've been thrown out of the house. Sometimes I think no woman would ever want me, and I cry a lot. My guinea pig is my friend. My job?---I'm a promoted company officer supervising 5 firefighters and paramedics in a large metropolitan fire department that has over 150 fire stations.

I usually do not visit sites on Sexless Marriage because they simply depress me.

Almost always there is a poll, "Is Your Marriage Sexless? Take Our Handy-Dandy Poll". As if I can't tell that I haven't had sex? Duh. I love the questions; usually the "worst", (read: most sexless), answers are along the lines of "sex less than once a month means you are in a sexless marriage".

Give me a break. If I had sex once a month I would think I had died and gone to Heaven....a heaven populated by sex-crazed satyr angels, I might add. (Is it redundent to call a satyr sex-crased?)

There is no place for people who, like me, honestly can't remember the last time they had sex with their husband. There is no choice that offers, "Last time I had sex, there was a Democrat in the presidency."

It's been years, now, for me - six, maybe seven, maybe longer. I try not to think about it, as all it does is make me feel unwanted, but I can honestly say I haven't had sex in this century. I can just as honestly say that I don't anticipate ever having sex with another human again for the rest of my life, and I am in my forties.

I think the last time we actually had intercourse was after my husband's vasectomy, at his doctor's request that he "clean himself out". Hubby told me this. It made me feel special....sort of like a piece of tissue one uses to wipe away something offensive.

Now for all the "answers" which are always couched as questions - every website has them, too. Do we fight? (no). Is he gay? (no). Is he cheating? (no) Does he have a physical disability? (no). Porn addiction? (no). Frankly, it would make it easier - at least understandable - if the answer to any of these was yes. Next question, please - Has he seen a doctor about this? (Yes)

Let's expand on this - doctor said there was nothing physically wrong, and spent a good deal of time discussing this with my husband. Doctor felt that a sex therapist would help my husband with his strict religious background which seemed to be the root of this...however, we live in a town without a sex therapist, not that it is covered by insurance anyway, so that was the end of that. Doctor did express surprise that I had been so patient over this. Hubby asked me about that - why I hadn't said anything, and I told him that after so many years of our having no sex, I thought it was interesting that he (hubby) was only asking about it now, after the doctor asked him about it during a physical. Obviously, sex with me wasn't something my husband had missed...

Five years ago...ten years ago....maybe we could have been helped....now? I see no way out.

I've sought help, advice, what have you on other sites and have read the "the woman must be patient; she must take the pressure off her husband and initiate; she must be understanding," garbage. I've done that. I've been so blinkin' patient that my husband thought everything was fine. Give me an award for being sensitive to his feelings, not wanting to bruise his ego and being tender with his self-esteem. That fact that mine has taken a good share of hits is not important.

Trust me, the last few times we had sex, even the post-vasectomy clean out time, it was at my instigation. Believe me, too, that for every time there was an actually connection, there were ten rejections.

I will never again put myself out there like that only to see a look of disgust and embarrassment in my husband's eyes.

There are a lot of emotions I've seen in the eyes of the men I've had as partners....disgust is not one I wish to see again... take my word on this. I have NEVER rejected him....never...I have never been anything but encouraging, understanding, patient, inventive ....until I just stopped trying. Now I am just....neuter.

I dress behind closed doors....I will not inflict the horror of my womanliness on him... I only kiss or hug him now if he requests it as too often, if I dared to physically suggest that the kiss have a modicum of passion in it, he pulled away. I have become what is expected of me: I have become a sexless, passionless creature.

He says he still loves me, which I believe. I still love him, and otherwise, we have a wonderful relationship. He says he still desires me, but I am afraid I feel that was a lie he told to try to not hurt me. I appreciate that he said this, but I could tell the minute he said it, that it was forced.

I accept that he loves me. I accept that he has no sex drive. Most of the time, I don't even think about my sexless life because, when I do, I become sad and angry - but tonight, it just sort of hit me and I did a Google and found this blog.

I have no advice. I can say that I have chosen to remain in this marriage because I love my husband, our child and the life we have built together. I know I will never have an affair - I have always been monogamous by nature. There is only one man I want to have an affair with, and I am married to him.

I have chosen my life - and I do my best to remember to dwell upon the good aspects and not those that are lacking. I have great memories, and I have a great sense of humor, which does come in handy when, even after 20 years of a marriage in which sex has been lacking, I still sometimes cry myself to sleep. (soundlessly of course - can't let my husband know that my heart is breaking, now can I? That would make him feel bad).

And, to be honest, there is more to it. I have come to see my tears, my pain, my emotion as a part of my passion. He doesn't want the sexual side of my passion, and so I withold from him the sorrowful side. It is mine, and mine alone, as is my passion, which he no longer wants.

This was long, and I am sorry it went on as it did, however, this is my once a year rant in which I can let out of me what I keep inside. I will not take up such a long space again.

Night, all. Good luck.

Blue Jeans, please consider joining Hera's Women. No one there is going to ask you the ludicrous questions you've been asked nor judge you for the state of your marriage. It would appear only these women know how any kind of love and care for another person could possibly last through so much rejection, disdain, indifference, and disgust.

You are welcome to hang around for a bit and unsubscribe if it's just not your thing.

While the reason women join is to share their story and feel the assurance that they're not the only one, there is also discussion about the things one does for oneself -- enjoying time with children/grandchildren, employment, hobbies, and how to make friends that won't turn their backs.

I hope you'll consider it.

I have been in sexless marriage. I can relate to Stacy. I am contemplating divorce but not until son graduates from high school. I don't want to confuse him during this time in his life. I mentioned no sex in almost 3 years to hubby last. He commented, "I didn't know that it had been that long." Can you believe that? Even before the absolute NO SEX, it was maybe once or twice a year and not always intercourse. Always after I pitched a fit. That is degrading. I refuse to be rejected and humiliated again. I used to bring it up often. He would say this is old news, why keep bringing it up...then give me the silent treatment for a few days. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. It has been a while...but I still feel very sad. I've been married for almost 18 years. I'm 39 and don't want to spend the rest of my life without love, affection, and intimacy. I am slowly getting the courage or understanding that I deserve more. But, it looks bad because he does all the other husbandly duties...even cleans sometimes. I know that this is long. But can you believe he was upset that I didn't want to go to in-laws on anniversary weekend to sleep on the couch in the den because of nephew's birthday party is also same weekend. This year, I will go away and celebrate alone...I deserve to treat myself. I haven't had an affair, but wish I had the nerve.

Interested commenters, please see post #52 about joining an online support group.

I am surprised by how many woman have posted here, and so few men ( not rying to be sexist, I suppose that I assumed this was something I was going through alone, how naive) are having the same trouble that I am having.

I have been married to my wife for 8 years. When we first met, things were amasing, I am sure you all know the story. After a year, her son moved in with us ( he was living with his father) and ever sinse then, I have to beg and plead for attention. I am always blamed for lack of sex, I am not intimate enough, I am too demanding, I have an overactive sex drive, etc.

I do not wish to leave my wife, although, I will be honest, the thought keeps coming back. I do try, quite hard I feel, in trying to re-connect with her. I have adopted her hobbies, show interest in her interests. Even so, it has gotten progressively worse, to the point that we have not had intercourse in over 5 years save twice, I had a bit too much to drink, told her i was leaving, and he had sex with me then.

Now, when we do fool around, once she is satisfied, I am left to my own devices, with no help at all.

I am confused, hurt, and have no idea what to do, where to go, or how to fix this situation. I have tried everything i can think of, and I am too embarresed to speak to family or friends about it. What do I do?

After posting the above comment, I decided that I was far too vague ( side effect of my profession) so I wish to expand on what is happening.

Approximately 8 years ago, when our sexlife was healthy, my wife had a cyst burst, during intercourse, that was quite painful for her. It obviously stopped us from having sex, but that was one of the catalysts to ending our sex life.

Early on, we fought about it quite a bit, I would get upset, she would " take care of me" and then we wouldnt have any intimate contact until the next time I got upset.

She does have health issues, but I feel that sometimes they are used as a crutch. She certainly feels well enough to go out with her friends when she likes, and most certainly has the umph to smoke marijuana every day, 3-5 times a day, but, hasnt the energy to make her husband feel like a man.

I dont want to make her sound like a monster, but, after posting my first post, I felt a modicum of releif, almost like a tiny weight was off my shoulders. I am grateful there is somewhere that I can use as an outlet, as I have been left feeling alone for many years.

About 4 years ago, we split up. I uncovered the fact that she was having an affair, She swears it ws only emotional, and they had only slept togetether once, but I have my doubts. Before I discovered the affair, she suggested that I " see other people". I did try, but was left with a feeling of disgust afterwards, an emotional and physical emptiness.

Once I discovered the " other man" I told her I wanted her out. She moved out, leaving her son with me. I hae to say, I dont recall ever being happier. I am told by her/my son, that I was awful, demanding, and overbearing. I thought I was being a good father, but, I was not in a good place I suppose.

While we were seperated, I met someone, it was after a number of months, and it was completely by accident. I fell for this woman, hard. Once my wife found out about it, she didnt speak to me for weeks, I guess about a month later, she called, weeping, begging me to come back to her, she would change, she would be the woman I always wanted her to be, and that she was confused, and hurt, and promised to fix everything.

Well, here we are, 4 years later, all the promises were broken, and I am left feeling hurt, confused, alone and suspicious due to past transgressions.

Thank you for reading, I apologise for my poor writing skills, I do hope you, the reader can make some sense of this, and advise me, tell me I am foolish, tell me I am not alone, please, tell me something....

I read these postings tonight as the reality of what each person before me has described starts to sink in. I have been married for four years. We have endured some tremendous hardship during that short time. I also have a young son from a prevous marriage.

I have spent many hours trying to figure out how I ended up here. My husband, I have to admit, is not devoid of ALL affection. It is just not of the intimate nature. We tried counseling, only to have him decide that was not an option for him. His recent declaration has been to inform me that if I affirm him more and say nothing negative then he will show me affection. Where it gets difficult for me is that he has said if I don't do this he will never give me what I need.

I know relationships are never one-sided - with the blame or the good stuff. I know the catch-22 situations are there for many people. And I know for me, I have to decide if I am willing to try what he states is "the key to success" in hopes yet one more time that it will succeed. I feel that same spirit of the woman in the original story who just needed to feel like she had done everything she could.

I don't know where I'm at in my situation. My husband stated recently that "if it weren't for the boy, I'd be gone. I'm the only Dad he has." True enough. But in the words of my son, "If he goes, he goes. I love you, Mom." For those struggling with issues with children, please remember that they just want you to be happy.

I'll probably try to get it right one more time. I do know, however, that the day hope dies is a very sad day. I wish all who read this the very best. A relationship does not define you. We all deserve love, peace, and happiness...

This was like reading an open book into my own heart. I am mid 40's. Married 6 years. Sex stopped after the first 6 months. It is as if once he "caught" me, he no longer wanted me. He is super sweet in every other way, which is kind of weird to say because when someone knows how much this hurts their spouse, can you really call them sweet when they choose to keep on hurting them?

I have heard, as I am sure most of you have, "Everthing happens for a reason"! But why THIS? Why to US? To all the woman who have shared here, I would like to thank every one of you. Until yesterday I too thought I was the only woman to ever have this problem, I have little experience with computer searches I am terrified of identity theft although if someone would like this life go for it, it is very lonely. But yeterday I found the courage to type in sexless marriage and hit enter. I only had a few minutes before my 17 year old son came home so I hurried and saved the search in my favorites and I am back today and so grateful, yes grateful to all of you who have given me the courage to be doing what I am doing now. The pain, the loneliness, the rejection that I feel is not alone. I am so sad to see I am not alone but at the same time I am grateful.
I have been married to my husband 9 years on Saturday...I am afraid of the day, will he totally forget or will he remember and try to give me a "GIFT". (Gift being sex he has to force). It has been over 9 months and only after I decided to leave him. I was gone for 3 hours. Before I left I kissed him madly and passionately and then walked out the door. I called him after a couple hours and told him all I could think about was that kiss that we still "HAD IT" and he said he felt the same, I came back. We had sex 3 times that week. Then it was the same ole same ole again.Before then it had been over a year since we had had sex.
I should start from the begining. My husband and I were introduced by our children. I have 4 and he has 4. Ironically they are very close to the same ages. They range from his oldest daughter who is 30 to my youngest son who is 17. I am 45 and my husband is 52. It was my oldest daughter and his oldest son who introduced us. I had been working 65+ hours a week at my job at the time and he was self employed. He had been trying for a month to connect with me and one friday night I was home. We talked for hours on the phone and he suggested we meet for coffee sometime. I said how about now it was 11:30PM and we lived more that an hour from each other. We met half way at an all night coffee shop. (It was a truck stop but it's our first meeting place and I like coffee shop) 9 days later we were married! He is the love of my life, my best friend, and we are inseparable (I hesitate on the last word). I quit my job, moved into his house, sold my house paid off all of my bills and put the rest of the money into our joint account and have never regreted it.
We have had an excellent life together. We are by no means well off financially but we get by. We are self emoployed and have had many exciting businesses.
We both feel very strongly about "Be not conformed to this world but be tranformed from it" We do not need lavish things or sometimes even common things like cable TV and long distance. We have the internet for our/my 17 year old son who lives with us 4 days a week and with his Dad 3 days.
My life is the same as most of you, I love my husband very much and he is a great guy. We live in a sexless marriage, and I just can not cope with it. I have had years of blaming myself. You know all the questions: Am I undesirable, ugly, fat, unlovable? The answers were all yes in the begining. It must be me. How I have gone through such an emotional roller coaster with myself.
I just wanted to say Thank You, I don't think I could have held on much longer, I see some hope. Because of all of you and your courage I want to try. Try what I don't know but I am not alone and my hope is I can find some way to fix or cope with our life. "Everything happens for a reason"

Hi everyone,
I will just join my comments to the rest of you. I am 37 and married for 8 years...When DH and I married we were deeply in love and It appeared the right thing to do. I left my country and a profitable career and came to his country. We had two kids. Sex started dwindling some 5 years ago and I asked why. Given all the "talks" and so on...never said no. But now I feel I've had enough of that. I am finishing Uni shortly and getting a job in another state. I will take kids and he can stay with everything. Sincerely I want nothing else, but to see the back of him. I would like to find love again oneday but I don't think it is important to me for the time being. As for the kids...the man is a wonderful father, faultless as a father so they will suffer a bit, but ultimately they will profit from happier parents....My strategy is: I will start with the move. I got a job in another state and he will continue working here, he says he will go to visit....but I doubt it. No other people involved. Dh is a cought potato who will not move from the Sofa when he's at home at all....or go out...he sincerely hates going out and our talking on the last year or so is limited of me talking and he listens or he can speak some 10 words a day. No that is it! That is the end of it...I am out of the door soon....and life feels better because of that.
Cheers,
Dr Strangelove

It feels better to know I am not alone at all.
I have been married for 10 years and we have never had great sex.

Due to my fear to live in a world full of jerks and for poverty, I decide to stay with my husband hoping he is getting better. My friend even encouraged me to get a "boy toy" and learn to have sex without too much affection.

I finanlly did it. Believe or not, I don't feel very guilty. However, this man can't function with condom on and always worry about me getting pregnant, which I can't blame him. but I also can't start getting birth control bill everyday just in case one day that thing happens again because

plus I don't think I have a relationship with this man.

I am working on my stability of career and have given up plan of having a kid in case i can't stand sexless marriage anymore.

I feel life can be so unfair and we only live once, do I have a choice? Will I?

I recently told my husband that "we need to talk". I had suffered like the rest of you for many years and had decided to finally end it. This is very scary for me since I am almost 50 years old and don't know what the future will be for me healthwise, etc. I am fortunate to have a good and stable job. A few years ago we had been fighting a lot and nearly got divorced. Then decided to work it out and bought a new house etc. However, things just have reverted to the way they were only without the fighting. Still painful and confusing though. Anyway, after I told him that I just wasn't happy and that I needed some time to myself, he told me that he had been having prostate trouble, erectile problems and premature ejaculation problems, so he did not want to have sex for that reason. Surprise to me since in the past he told me that it was not that he could not have sex, only that he did not have a very strong sex drive. Didn't need the little blue pill etc. So all this time I have felt so totally unloveable and rejected. And now that I want to finally leave he lays all this new revelation on me. I am now very confused. He is being very nice to me, fixes my morning coffee, invites me to lunch (before, he didn't really know where my office was!)back rubs etc. It woud be so easy just to give in and give up. What to do? I think I would still like to find my own apartment. It will feel like a death when I leave.

I've been married for five years (11 years total together). Aside from our first couple years together, he's always had problems being affectionate with me or initiating sex. It has done severe damage to my self-esteem and before him, I could get any man I wanted. Now, I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. He used to claim that it wasn't me, it was him. I have been tempted to have affairs because I crave the closeness.

He told me last night that he doesn't love me anymore. I told him that he needs to be out of the house by Jan. 1. I am truly and utterly devastated and I feel like my entire world is falling apart.

Dear Distraught
I wish you all the best in your new life. While I am so sorry that you have suffered, I am happy for the fact that you have reached a turning point and now have a chance for a happy life. The pain of being in marital limbo is very debilitating. He is right though, it is him, not you!Pretty soon the guys will be beating a path to your door.

Wow! Thank you so much for responding to this post. I feel the same way as just about everyone else here. Here is some of my story:

I am only 29 years old and I have been married for nine years and have two beautiful girls, ages 8 and 4.

I hate my marriage. I love my husband, don't get me wrong but my marriage sucks. There is absolutely no desire to have sex on his part. I desire it ALL of the time. He can touch me and I am ready!

In the beginning we had sex all of the time. Then about 3 years ago we began having communication problems. He was travelling a lot and we never saw eachother. When he was home he was very angry and mentally and verbally abusive. So I asked him to leave. Which he did, reluctantly. He promised me that he would attend marriage counseling with me if I would just let him come back home. So we went to marriage counselling and he moved back home. The entire separation lasted about 3 months. This was a year ago.

My husband recently admitted to me that he had been having lustful thoughts towards another woman that he worked with. It freaked him out so much that he quit his job. This all happened during the time of our separation. He says no physical contact was made. In my eyes, it was an affair. According to the bible, it was an affair. I was deeply hurt by this.

But, he asked me for his forgiveness and promised that he would seek help for his depression/lack of sexual desire, etc. That was over two months ago. Still waiting. And no, I am not nagging him...

It is clear that he does not desire me but has no problems desiring other women. So, I know the problem is me. This boggles me because I get hit on constantly. I am a very giving and beautiful person. Everything that he has told me that bothers him, I have changed. For example, I didn't touch him enough, I didn't tell him that I loved him enough, etc...

So, divorce has definately been on my mind nonstop. He comes home from work and plops on the couch in front of the tv. I leave him alone. If he wanted me, he would come and get me. I am sick of waiting. I know that this will hurt my kids and other family members. But, I honestly believe that the kids want to see us happy. Me, especially as I am currently the only "interactive" parent in the picture.

I just struggle with answering the future question of "Why did you get a divorce?" What do I say? "My husband didn't find me sexually attractive anymore??????"

Since my last post on Nov. 30th things have changed. I stayed on the couch for 2 days after my post trying to figure out what to do and how to change things.

I told my husband I am giving this 1 more year. Things have to change. It is not me and if it is him we need to work on things. I got the same response that betty's husband gave her, prostate problems, low sex drive, E.D.....

My response was "That's a bunch of CRAP" He has never had a problem when "HE" wanted to do something and over the years every single time we tried there was NOT a problem. So I wasn't buying that excuse.

To make this shorter...We talked and things have been much better although it's only been 2 weeks. I am hoping for the best.

I guess the biggest thing I said was it's just me and you here lets stop making excuses and telling each other what we think we want to hear. I am not happy, I do not want to live like this anymore. I can't live like this anymore. I am a loving, lovable woman. I do not want another man and if we end this I don't think I will ever want another relationship ever. The one thing you did show me was I CAN LIVE WITHOUT SEX. I would rather be alone and feel alone rather than be feel alone when you are standing right beside me. Make sense?

I also had to admit to him that I love him very much but I am no longer In love with him. That was very hard I did not know how he would respond. He says he knew, and he knows why. After all these years of no affection you just turn cold. After all the years of hoping things will change and they didn't you lose something. I know it will not be easy but we do have something and we can work on it.

So we are working on it. I am so glad I found this post. Hang in there!
"Everything happens for a reason"

Thanks for your post, Betty. I'm trying to keep busy to keep it off my mind, but it's SO hard.

And to hangingon, yes you do turn cold without affection for so long. I see myself in you. I applaud you both for wanting to work out and I wish the best of luck to you.

How sad there are so many of us out there. My husband is 57 and I am coming up for 50. We have been together for 30 years now and everything is falling in around our feet. Two wonderful wonderful children who don't deserve this.
I have mainly worked while he has been the house husband. Not a problem when the money was coming in. Due to downturn in business we are now having to live on our savings. Sinario is as follows

1. Running out of money
2. Children in fee paying school
3. Still have a mortgage
4. He in the past has been a bit of a loaner
however has brain washed me into behaving the
same way. Now low self esteem and very few
friends. Any friends I made he would tell
me to be careful of them
5. He has NO sex drive and impotent. Never shows
his feelings.
6. He is as deep as the ocean
7. When I try to talk to him he shouts at me
8. Want to go back to the UK but where does
one begin. No way would I leave my children
9. Cannot sell our house
10. He spends 24/7 on computer working on his so
called websites that make no money.
11. I am in complete panic mode as I know I
cannot depend on him to get work
12. He is fairly inteligent person.
13. Smokes 60 cigarettes a day
14. Yes I did love him but I guess I don't like
him anymore.
15. My daughter is the apple of his eye and makes
no comment to me on the situation
16. I want a normal family life and see this in
all my family back in the UK
17. We have no money to buy children Christmas
presents
18. He will not eat at meal times
19. He comes over all the time as angry
20. He has dragged me so down I do not have the
energy to pick up the pieces
21. My family would be so angry if they new the
situ.
22. Could write a book.
23 I am so homesick.
24. Most of my friends have moved away because
of the decline in business.
25. I try not to cry in front of children however
when I do, he offers NO comfort.
26. Why am I allowing myself and children to live
through this awful situ.




When I read the above comments my heart goes out for all of us.

rozalind, Just wanted you to know somebody hears you. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers. Only you can make the decision of what to do. Hang in there.

Reading through these comments has left me feeling utterly hopeless. Our problem began around the time I had our daughter. Sex began to dwindle during the pregnancy but I wasn't feeling all that sexual so I hardly noticed. I assumed that it would all go back to normal when it wasn't so physically draining. It stopped completely after she was born. He did ask once when we'd have the "green light" after I had her but that was the last time that he seemed remotely interested.

It has been 14 months since he showed interest in sex. After about 9 months, a friend gave him a blue pill and we had an uncomfortable sexual encounter. I figured it was just because it had been so long and we needed time to get to know each other in that way again. We tried again (of course, at my insistance) a couple months later and it was the same. I was determined to get it right so I insisted we give it another go a mere 3 weeks later and paid for it. He was cold and I felt worse than a prostitute because it wasn't like he was paying me for something he actually wanted. I told him afterwards that I didn't deserve that kind of treatment and it would be a cold day in hell before I ever approached him again. He acknowledged that he was ignorant and was very apologetic.

I've tried to figure out what the worst part of this all is and there are many: He is an amazing man in every other way. He is an excellent father to our daughter and we get along rather well except when this issue blows up. I'm 31 and he is 49. I have heard every excuse and rationalization in the world from him along with how much he loves me and still finds me attractive. In the beginning, I was certain it was me. I just had a baby and my body isn't what it used to be, maybe he resented me because of the responsibility of a family, maybe I don't keep the house nice enough, I should dress sexier, etc. I tore myself apart from every angle and sunk into a pit of self loathing that I thought I'd never get out of.

Then I picked myself up, dusted myself off and realized that it wasn't me and even if it was something about me, it still wasn't me -- it was his perception of whatever it was! I thought about how many other women in the world were uglier, fatter, lazier, sloppier, not as fun or had worse personalities. They exist and are still attractive and desired by men. If it had something to do with me having a baby, he needed to grow up! He's had kids before and has been with women with kids so that's no excuse.

We've had conversations about this time after time and he tries to be understanding but usually ends up getting defensive. He has said some things that were hurtful and they linger in my head when I'm in one of the moods like tonight. He always focuses on the physical act as if I'm just horny and want to get laid. He seems to have no idea what I've lost -- what we've lost. He says he misses it but has no desire. I've begged him to just try to do something to get his mind back into the groove but he refuses.

He knows I've searched the internet and he resents that. He says I think I'm a doctor and I'm not whenever I try to make suggestions about things to try. He has been telling me for months that he's going to see a doctor but his excuse was always the money. He wants to go to the doctor alone and I think that's a mistake. Now he has insurance beginning in a few weeks and I'm suddenly scared by what I've read on this site. It doesn't seem like doctors have a treatment for this condition. How can that be? They can treat a menopausal woman's lack of desire with hormones -- can they not do that for men?

I have also cried myself to sleep quietly so as not to hurt his precious male ego but I've also cried in front of him and he seems to not care. How can you love someone and put them through this agony? How can he say that he loves me but refuse to let me in on this? Is this going to be my life? I read about these women who have dealt with this for years and I'm crushed at the thought. I am, once again, crying my eyes out and feeling totally alone.

Our most recent talk was on March first. He had told me the insurance would be active on that day and I was waiting for that. It wasn't and I approached him. We talked and he was honest about things that hurt me but I needed to hear them. He didn't come right out and say that he was repulsed by the thought of having sex but it was almost that way. He got no enjoyment out of our few encounters in this past year and it just wasn't worth it in his mind -- even just to shut me up. It was uncomfortable for him and he wasn't interested in "trying" it again. He said he knew it would be more of the same and he didn't want to do that to me.

He asked me to give him until April first and then he said he would do it "my way". What the hell is "my way"? I don't have the answer and, if I did, I damn sure wouldn't be sitting here and waiting for him to decide to do it! If I knew there was a solution and he wouldn't listen to it, I wouldn't be here. I am faced with a decision about whether to leave a man that is almost perfect in every other way or to resign myself to living this "half life" forever. I'm only 31 and I may never have sex again.

I could identify with the other women so much. I have told him on many occasions that I feel like his sister. I get the pasionless pecks, too. He is actually pretty affectionate and likes to cuddle in bed and hug me. Believe me, this makes it worse because its a constant reminder that it isn't going to lead anywhere. I'm human and I sometimes get turned on when he's holding me. It hurts so I try to avoid these situations because they seem like cruel jokes.

I know this is long but I went on the yahoo groups and none of them have had recent activity. I think I just needed to get it out and feel like someone who feels like I do will read it. I don't want this life but its been imposed upon me and it isn't fair but there isn't anything I can do about it. I wouldn't have an affair either, that's not me. I crave the emotional bond that I had with the man that I love, sex with a detached stranger won't fill this void inside me.

Hopeless and Numb,

I hope you'll be back here to check for responses.

Every woman who belongs to the Yahoo groups for women in sexless marriages (Hera's Women or others) goes through the same thing you do: specifically they have those times, that bad week, those bouts of relentless sadness and often anger. This is when they post - just like you did.

While you don't see recent activity today, check back with those groups in a week. It only takes a week for the groups to read "no activity," but when one member speaks, they all speak - if only for a week or two out of a month's time.

Join the groups. By all means do so anonymously. Post to the groups. Stick with the ones that give you feedback and responses. Too, once you're in a group, you can read the messages others have posted in the past. I can't speak for other groups, but I can say you'll read many a heartfelt story in Hera's Women. You'll also have access to the books, articles and links the members have found helpful.

One of the hardest parts of being in a sexless marriage is reaching out to others. It all seems so fruitless and it takes so much effort, but it does pay to reach out to the right people.

Your signature speaks volumes and I wonder if you'll reach out if for no other reason than because you're not numb. You're very much alive and feeling - that's why you posted. It's your husband who is numb, not you.

I want to take this opportunity to sincerely thank all of the women here who have had the courage to post their stories.

I have been in a sexless/loveless marriage for 13 years. In the last 2 years I have been contemplating divorce. In the last month I have managed to come clean about my marital problems with my friends and family. I was overwhelmed by the support they gave me. I got myself into therapy, private, not marriage counseling (we've been down that road too many times and it has gotten us nowhere). Anyway, I have decided to leave my husband, and if I were ever wavering, your stories have reinforced my decision.

I am 31 years old, and I DESERVE to have a complete marriage. As was mentioned by many of the otherposters, I could probably deal with the lack of sexual intercourse if there were an underlying cause, but the complete lack of any physical and emotional intimacy is a soul destroying experience.

I can do all the work I want to on my own mental health and emotional issues, but not a single bit of it is going to change HIM. That ball is firmly in his court.

So, to those of you who are ashamed of your situations, I have one thing to say to you. It's not you who should feel shamed by your partners actions or inactions.

Remember, every human being needs love and affection, and to deliberately withhold that within the bonds of marriage is one of the cruelest forms of emotional violence one person can perpetrate against another, according to my therapist.

While I have no doubt some women find themselves in sexless marriages through no fault of their own, I'm willing to bet a good number have treated their husbands as captive father-slaves and packed on the pounds. It happened to me. I know I'm tossing gas on a smoldering fire, but I'm here to defend decent guys like myself who are revolted at the thought of being intimate with our children's mother.

We're mid-40's. Met, fell in love, had sex, got married, and had kids years ago. We get along OK now but do nothing together. We really never fight. Never. Actually there is no passion whatsoever. It's been said the opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. I haven't given her a peck on the cheek on New Year's Eve going back more than five years now. Zero hugs, kisses, etc. None. No point to it. We've had separate bedrooms for a few years now, thank goodness.

Been married nearly 20 years, and the kids are in their teens. We haven't engaged in sex five times in the past ten years, and never during the past five. No amount of alcohol will get me past the distasteful sights and scents.

Once the kids came, she totally let herself go, and gained 70+ pounds. Hygiene was a major issue as well (I'm guessing bacterial vaginosis). What finally tore it in my mind was that I was consistently and repeatedly ignored over a period of years. The kids were her sole focus. It was like I only existed intermittently. My attempts to speak and gain a verbal response would be met with silence more often than not. She couldn't have pushed me away more effectively with a bulldozer. It worked.

We've never talked about it, and I have zero desire to do so, with her or anyone. It would not end well, and though I know she probably already understands my thinly-veiled revulsion, hearing it verbalized would be too difficult for her.

I make all the money and there's plenty. I work around the house, don't smoke, gamble, or party, and love the heck out of my kids. I'm a healthy, intelligent, attractive, responsible guy legally and morally saddled with an otherwise nice fat lady in whom I no longer have the slightest interest, sexually or otherwise. That will absolutely never change.

Once the kids are older and no longer under my roof, I'll then willingly give away half of all I've earned in exchange for my last years of freedom. Until then, it's just like we're housemates. Neither of us is interested in breaking up our kid's happy (at least for them) home.

Marriage? Never again!!

Left Coast, the lonliness and frustration you're feeling is something women in sexless marriages can understand. They aren't going to do it with the agreement that they packed on the weight as many of them stayed healthy from the beginning.

If these women were like your wife, they would not be complaining about the same thing you are. They are married to the male version of what you're married to.

It doesn't matter what causes the sexless partner to chose this path when that partner refuses to share why they did it. That they would then leave their spouse to figure out what's going on by him/herself is just cruel.

As many of the women here have done, it might be time for you to take a more intense look at what your marriage is doing to you and for you: good and bad. It is not necessarily in the children's best interest to live with an example of marriage that is not what we would have them seek later in life. This is, however, something to be weighed out by the spouse who would consider leaving the marriage.

It is hoped you find peace.